Story burned my life to the ground with no way out

[tomakeitstop]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and wanted to introduce myself and give a little bit of my background. I'm also trying to process and make sense of everything that has brought me to this point and why I'm so certain that CTB is the only way that I can make the pain stop.

When I was 19 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1 with psychotic features and it's been an intense battle to manage my symptoms ever since. I've tried every medication under the sun, I even got sober seven years ago (which helped) and still I have debilitating episodes that make it difficult to hold down jobs, to hold onto relationships, to navigate social situations or even support myself financially. It's very hard to imagine that I'll ever be able to live a full and meaningful life this way. I'm 31 years old now and most of my friends are getting married and starting families. I've always wanted to be a mom, but I'm scared that my episodes would scar my children for life. It just seems like there's no future in which I can have the things that I want, manage my mental health, and be fulfilled in any way.

In the last few years, I've suffered some really serious blows in my personal life. In 2019, a 4 year relationship ended because my childhood trauma prevents me from having a healthy understanding of being able to set, understand, or process other people's boundaries and my own. I also struggle to self-soothe my own emotions and lean too heavily on my partners and friends and family for emotional support. This leads to me damaging relationships, and I pushed this very special man away from me as a result of the inability to address these issues. This breakup was incredibly emotionally devastating, but surprisingly I was not suicidal at all during the aftermath.

10 months after my long-term partner broke up with me, I decided to try having casual sex again in an attempt to start to move on. I had just graduated from college (after a 10 year battle to finish my degree) and I was in a really good place) and then I met "him". At first it was just supposed to be a casual thing, and I was hypomanic and hypersexual so I was just focused on sex and ignored a lot of red flags, but he fell for me super hard very quickly, which was really overwhelming. The problem is that he is one of the most sweet, funny, charming, kind, generous, smart, giving, loving, caring, affectionate, romantic, sentimental, thoughtful, and handsome people I've ever met and I couldn't help falling for him in return. We had a complicated summer romance that was at times wildly passionate and at times very painful, as I was still actively grieving the loss of my long-term relationship and moving on so quickly felt really confusing.

Simultaneously, he got into a car accident in the first three weeks that we were dating and his car got totaled and as a result of a predatory lender and a variety of other fucked up predatory actors in the automotive and insurance process, he was without a car for almost a full year. This placed him in a position of severe financial insecurity for a very long time, and being incredibly codependent as a result of childhood trauma and past domestic violence history, I immediately went into "rescuer"/fix it mode. I drove him everywhere, let him use my car when he needed it, even added him to my car insurance policy. I bought him groceries when he was going hungry. I always made sure that his needs were taken care of physically and emotionally and put his needs before my own, because he was in such a state of distress.

I have to own my part in this, which is that as a codependent, it's natural for me to put other people's needs before my own. It's a lot easier for me to take care of others than it is to take care of myself. It's easier to distract myself with other people's problems than to do the hard work of looking at my own problems and feeling my feelings and working on myself. Everything that I gave to him, I gave freely and willingly. Still, I received very little in return. There were times that he could show me incredible kindness and generosity and love and support. But when push came to shove, his needs and wants and desires always came first and I was made to feel like I was selfish and self-centered for asking for the bare minimum.

Over the course of the two years that we were together we broke up 6 times and there were moments that he treated me very badly. He could be incredibly mean and spiteful and petty. He even put the kitten he got me up for adoption after we broke up one time instead of giving her back to me. I always forgave him and I always took him back. I was no angel either, during a manic episode in 2021, the behavior I had when I was sick hurt him very deeply. But he doesn't want to show me the same compassion and forgiveness that I showed him for all these years. He kept me a secret from his family for the last year and a half and that hurt me very deeply. It filled me with shame, anger, grief and pain. He just took, and took, and took from me and gave very little back in return. I burned my life to the ground trying to save him from a situation in which he was so close to dying from lack of resources. I gave him every single bit of time, energy, emotion, and material resource that I possessed.

Recently he came into some money and finally has access to the financial stability and mental and psychiatric care that he's needed for a long time. He suffered a traumatic experience about a month ago and had to move to another city on very short notice. I was completely devastated, but willing to make a long distance relationship work and willing to move to that area because I also have family in that area. I was hopeful that things were finally turning a corner, that we would finally have a chance to heal.

Last week I drove up there to spend a week with him for my birthday, but I could feel that something was off. I've been feeling it for weeks, which is why I joined this forum. He broke up with me on my fucking birthday, you guys. We finished out the trip as friends and he would like to stay friends. But now he's in a new city with everything he's ever wanted: stable income, stable housing, friends, community, family, healthcare and mental health services. And I'm here in this shitty town alone, with no friends (having pushed them all away over the course of my relationship with him), a job that I'm unfulfilled by and barely hanging onto (thanks ADA accommodations), financial insecurity, and just a deep wound of loneliness in his absence.

I have to rebuild my entire life from the ground up, from this scorched earth devastation, and I just don't have the strength to do it. Hoping to find some N in the next few months so I can say my goodbyes and find peace.

Thanks for listening,
Sass

 

[𝔧𝔞𝔫𝔢 ⛧]

thnk you fr sharing, we have a somewht similr story. I'm s sorry ur bc broke up w you specially n your brthday thts fuckd

 

[Dizzylady80]

That's so shitty! It's really hard to rebuild after that kind of relationship

 

[natali4]

I'm sorry, this sounds horrible. Our stories are very similar, and I am very close to your age as well. Feel free to pm me if you wanna chat!

 

[Zegers]

Most people is selfish, he used you when he was in a bad moment and now that hes better he kicked you. I've had similar experiences giving support to people and when they found other people they kicked me. Well, I don't care anymore.

 

[tomakeitstop]

Most people is selfish, he used you when he was in a bad moment and now that hes better he kicked you. I've had similar experiences giving support to people and when they found other people they kicked me. Well, I don't care anymore.

yeah, that's what I'm coming to terms with now. he refuses to see it this way and he'll never admit to it, but he did use me. he says that he could have been alone and that he didn't need me for support, but his daily survival for two years was interwound with mine. we were completely enmeshed and codependent with each other. and yes that's unhealthy, but in the last 5 months we'd made remarkable effort to grow and change and heal the relationship and go in a new direction.

the fact that he just dropped me like a fucking rock as soon as he moved to a new city is such a stunning indictment of the fact that he was using me all along. like as soon as he no longer needed me to survive, I was just nothing to him. we used to talk to each other every day all day, hang out every day, we did everything together. then as soon as he got to his new city there was immediate distance and it's like he could not have cared less about me.

of course there were other factors, he was reeling from the trauma of the assault he experienced that precipitated his move to a new city and that changed his behavior quite a bit and he was staying with his sister (who he was keeping me a secret from) so he couldn't talk to me openly because of that. but it took him 18 days to go from "I love you and we'll get through this together and make this work" to "there are things I just can't move past and we're better off as friends". it's so fucked.

 

[Lullaby]

I relate to so much of what you said, it's insane. Especially down to the trauma and not being able to have healthy relationships, it's too real.

I'm dealing with a recent heartbreak too and it's so insane how quickly someone can go from saying they love and care about you, to switching up completely. In my case, I guess he ghosted. No resolution, goodbye, nothing.

After that, you basically start to realize maybe the person never really cared and that's even harder to cope with.

God, I'm really sorry. That's so much to deal with, especially being alone. You'll definitely find some support here.

 

[Zegers]

but it took him 18 days

Well at least it was 18 days... some people kicked me in one day after months of giving them emotional support and listening to all their shit. if life was fair should give you someone who would now support you and give you a good life and a new perspective but as it's not fair and it's shit don't expect anything.

 

[natali4]

I relate to so much of what you said, it's insane. Especially down to the trauma and not being able to have healthy relationships, it's too real.

I'm dealing with a recent heartbreak too and it's so insane how quickly someone can go from saying they love and care about you, to switching up completely. In my case, I guess he ghosted. No resolution, goodbye, nothing.

After that, you basically start to realize maybe the person never really cared and that's even harder to cope with.

God, I'm really sorry. That's so much to deal with, especially being alone. You'll definitely find some support here.

I've experienced similar trauma. It blows my mind that people feel nothing destroying someone's life, and just go on living happily. There is no justice or hope in this world.

 

[Lullaby]

I've experienced similar trauma. It blows my mind that people feel nothing destroying someone's life, and just go on living happily. There is no justice or hope in this world.

I always try to make sense of it, but I just can never. It makes you wanna close off yourself for good.

 

[tomakeitstop]

I relate to so much of what you said, it's insane. Especially down to the trauma and not being able to have healthy relationships, it's too real.

I'm dealing with a recent heartbreak too and it's so insane how quickly someone can go from saying they love and care about you, to switching up completely. In my case, I guess he ghosted. No resolution, goodbye, nothing.

After that, you basically start to realize maybe the person never really cared and that's even harder to cope with.

God, I'm really sorry. That's so much to deal with, especially being alone. You'll definitely find some support here.

I think being ghosted would hurt even more. I'm so sorry you're going through that.

He truly just wants to be friends and even really believes that we can be friends. I think he is like delusionally blind to the way that he completely blew apart my life. But he's always been like that, he's just so absorbed in his own personal hurricane of struggle that he could never really see mine. And when my storm blew into his, it was like this huge trauma for him. Total double standard.

I do feel really, really badly about how this is going to affect him. He lost a really dear friend to suicide in 2019 and he still grieves her loss deeply to this day. I have no idea how badly this will hurt him and I don't like to think about it. He's a Pisces with a history of addiction and some really self-destructive tendencies. But hopefully now that he has the resources he needs he'll have the support he needs to get through it.

 

[freedompass]

That is so sad for you. Have you heard of 12 Step CoDA groups (codependency support)? Though I doubt there'll be any nearby unless you are in a sizeable town or city. I can relate on the shitty bipolar and also on the codependency. I wish you wouldn't ctb over this guy who is clearly troubled himself and probably just looking out for number one as most people do. But if that's what you want I respect your decision (while honestly believing no man is worth that). Maybe this is just the last straw for you though. Bipolar is no joke at all. If you want an understanding listener feel free to pm me.

 

[tomakeitstop]

That is so sad for you. Have you heard of 12 Step CoDA groups (codependency support)? Though I doubt there'll be any nearby unless you are in a sizeable town or city. I can relate on the shitty bipolar and also on the codependency. I wish you wouldn't ctb over this guy who is clearly troubled himself and probably just looking out for number one as most people do. But if that's what you want I respect your decision (while honestly believing no man is worth that). Maybe this is just the last straw for you though. Bipolar is no joke at all. If you want an understanding listener feel free to pm me.

I have heard of CoDA. I was actually supposed to go to my first meeting two weeks ago, but skipped it because I had missed a dose of my meds and needed to sleep. I work an Al-Anon program actively because of this person (recovering meth addict, was sober when I met him and stayed sober for most of our relationship, but had a nasty relapse last Fall), but CoDa would probably help too.

It's not just about him. And I certainly hope when I go that he won't think that it was entirely about him or that it was his fault. It's just that this situation really was the last straw for me. I actually had a completed attempt in August of 2021 that I posted about here. That attempt was related to family trauma and money stress. Three months prior to that I almost bought a gun during a manic episode to try to end my life because of a situation with the same ex related to our sex life that triggered my trauma related to a domestic violence situation and a separate sexual violence situation. I've just been spiraling downward for the last two years.

Prior to that, I had an attempt in 2015 after I first got sober because getting sober was just so fucking hard. And then I had three attempts between 2013 and 2014 related to the end of an abusive relationship that I just couldn't move past.

So it's not just this one situation. There's a lot of trauma and a lot of mental illness and a lot of pain and I'm just tired of fighting.

But as far as this situation with my ex goes, it's not just the break up that's the last straw, it's the fact that I'm left with nothing while he has everything and that I literally sacrificed everything that I had, gave everything that I had (time, emotion, energy, material resources) to keep him alive and safe and to make sure that he would be okay while I stopped taking care of myself and while my own life went up in flames and I'm left with nothing. I burned career opportunities for him, creative opportunities, financial opportunities. And I'm sitting at the foot of a mountain that would be rebuilding my life and it's just too much. I'm not strong enough. But there's a creek nearby and a quiet, cozy little boat made out of N floating in it just a few steps away and I'd like to just float peacefully downstream, you know?

 

[Sister of the Moon]

I can relate to so much of what you have written, I almost could have written parts of it myself. It truly is a horrific situation to be in. Ignoring every red flag and trying to help them, at the expense of yourself, and it just leaves you feeling worthless while they get on with their lives. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Sending you lots of love.

 

[freedompass]

I have heard of CoDA. I was actually supposed to go to my first meeting two weeks ago, but skipped it because I had missed a dose of my meds and needed to sleep. I work an Al-Anon program actively because of this person (recovering meth addict, was sober when I met him and stayed sober for most of our relationship, but had a nasty relapse last Fall), but CoDa would probably help too.

It's not just about him. And I certainly hope when I go that he won't think that it was entirely about him or that it was his fault. It's just that this situation really was the last straw for me. I actually had a completed attempt in August of 2021 that I posted about here. That attempt was related to family trauma and money stress. Three months prior to that I almost bought a gun during a manic episode to try to end my life because of a situation with the same ex related to our sex life that triggered my trauma related to a domestic violence situation and a separate sexual violence situation. I've just been spiraling downward for the last two years.

Prior to that, I had an attempt in 2015 after I first got sober because getting sober was just so fucking hard. And then I had three attempts between 2013 and 2014 related to the end of an abusive relationship that I just couldn't move past.

So it's not just this one situation. There's a lot of trauma and a lot of mental illness and a lot of pain and I'm just tired of fighting.

But as far as this situation with my ex goes, it's not just the break up that's the last straw, it's the fact that I'm left with nothing while he has everything and that I literally sacrificed everything that I had, gave everything that I had (time, emotion, energy, material resources) to keep him alive and safe and to make sure that he would be okay while I stopped taking care of myself and while my own life went up in flames and I'm left with nothing. I burned career opportunities for him, creative opportunities, financial opportunities. And I'm sitting at the foot of a mountain that would be rebuilding my life and it's just too much. I'm not strong enough. But there's a creek nearby and a quiet, cozy little boat made out of N floating in it just a few steps away and I'd like to just float peacefully downstream, you know?

Wouldn't we all! Sorry it was the first thing that crossed my mind reading your last sentence so I decided to just say it lol. It's good that you've been trying to work some kind of program and at least are not a stranger to 12 step groups. I mean. They're not for everyone but it is a way to meet people you can hopefully relate to on some level, get and give support and know you are not the only one struggling.

I hear that you've been through an awful lot and I don't know how much help, professional or personal, you've had in dealing with it. Please forgive me weighing in with an opinion, but it is nearly always ill advised to make another person your sole focus. Been there quite a few times myself and it always ends badly. I am more stable and generally content at 60 than I was in my 40's because I no longer have a relationship and don't want one. Admittedly it's not saying much since I'm here. But maybe some of us are just not mentally or emotionally healthy enough to make a relationship work? Not saying you couldn't be in the future. But for now. Forget the mountain and just sit in the foothills for a bit maybe?

It's just a thought. It is entirely your decision to make of course. You've made serious attempts by the sound of it which is more than I ever have. Perhaps you are braver or more desperate than I. I hate that you're suffering, I wish NONE of us felt the need to be on this site. The offer to talk is still open, please be kind to yourself.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so much. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired of everything. This life really is so cruel and unfair. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.