everything, every moment in my life is about me. my pain, how i see things, how i feel, what im thinking, what hurts in me, etc. i don't seem to ever have the time or space to think about the outside world unless it's about how something effects me. and it's been this way since i can remember. everything hurts me all the time. my brain aches every second of the day, whether im alone or with someone else or many other people. i am aching all the time. any conversation i have with another human being, anytime i text a human being, i am in brain. my brain is making sure i am in pain.
but how do you explain this to anyone? it sounds so vague. but i know so many of us in here can relate to this. the idea of all of this being lumped into 1 or more diagnoses makes all of this pain feel like it doesn't matter. like it isn't as bad as it is. like it's simply something that is wrong that can and should be fixed. and sure. maybe a lot of this can be fixed, i don't think it would be fair to say none of it can be. but i also know that we are actually trying to be fixed. what we are, what we feel is genuinely seen as wrong, as not okay, as something needing intervention. and the argument is always that we're not in our right mind. which means there's 1 type of right mind? there's one way you can and should be and if you're not that, you're….wrong? something's off with you?
suicide aside, i wish we could be accepted. i wish it was okay to live like this, whatever like this is for each person. i wish the world was so that we could do things, small or big, without feeling like we want to die at every moment. i wish we could do nothing without feeling like we want to die. without every moment feeling like a fuck up, like time wasted, like something there will be consequences for. but it isn't like this. it's just isn't. it has to be a certain way, WE have to be a certain way and that's that. there's nothing else to it.
people have such narrow minds. they say my thinking is black and white? what about theirs? they have to fit everything into a box. everything has to have a label, everything has to have a start and an end, everything has to have reason and explanations that THEY can understand. otherwise it's wrong, it's off, it needs intervention. what they hear, what they see is all they know. their brains aren't big enough to even fit the IDEA that there's always more to things. things that aren't said, things you can't see, things you can't hear, things that are explained in ways that don't make any sense but they do. everything makes sense to those experiencing it. the way they think makes sense to them, the way we think makes sense to us. but no, we're wrong, we're off.
i don't want this. i don't ever ever ever want to fit in in this world. i don't want to be "accepted" for being different either. the world is made up of the "normal" ones. i have no interest or want to exist in a world that is largely made up of them simply bcs i may, at some point, happen upon someone or something that is decent, that feels decent. they want us to be happy, to live the lives they are living but not if we do it in a different way. not if they can't understand us perfectly.
i will stop thinking about their pain starting today. i can worry about my mom after i die and still know and understand that being alive is not in my best internet. maybe if i stay alive i will be the happiest person and have great people in my life and be satisfied with the life im living. but maybe not. and as much as people want it to be, this isn't about the future. me right now, isn't about the future. it's about me, right now. it's about the fact that i don't care for this. it isn't deeper than that. everything i said above? it doesn't matter, it isn't about any of that. i am not interested in this, i do not consent to continue doing this thing of being here. it is that simple. they can call it cptsd, depression, bpd, anxiety, anything they want. if they need labels, if they need explanations, that's on them. they choose that, i choose this.
i hope everyone on here knows that even if the people around them are fuckass, crap faced people, they are known and seen on here. it could mean nothing, as it does for me. this community doesn't make me feel any less lonely. but it exists. i can make this post here. i am glad i can do that. i am glad i can interact with people that think like me, that are infact very different from the people ive described above. i dont know any of you personally but know that the world and its people being fucking weird is not on you. it's no on you to solve it and it isn't on you to "take it as it comes." you have the right to make your decisions and you will be supported in whatever decision by me and a lot of people on here. sending love to all of you
but how do you explain this to anyone? it sounds so vague. but i know so many of us in here can relate to this. the idea of all of this being lumped into 1 or more diagnoses makes all of this pain feel like it doesn't matter. like it isn't as bad as it is. like it's simply something that is wrong that can and should be fixed. and sure. maybe a lot of this can be fixed, i don't think it would be fair to say none of it can be. but i also know that we are actually trying to be fixed. what we are, what we feel is genuinely seen as wrong, as not okay, as something needing intervention. and the argument is always that we're not in our right mind. which means there's 1 type of right mind? there's one way you can and should be and if you're not that, you're….wrong? something's off with you?
suicide aside, i wish we could be accepted. i wish it was okay to live like this, whatever like this is for each person. i wish the world was so that we could do things, small or big, without feeling like we want to die at every moment. i wish we could do nothing without feeling like we want to die. without every moment feeling like a fuck up, like time wasted, like something there will be consequences for. but it isn't like this. it's just isn't. it has to be a certain way, WE have to be a certain way and that's that. there's nothing else to it.
people have such narrow minds. they say my thinking is black and white? what about theirs? they have to fit everything into a box. everything has to have a label, everything has to have a start and an end, everything has to have reason and explanations that THEY can understand. otherwise it's wrong, it's off, it needs intervention. what they hear, what they see is all they know. their brains aren't big enough to even fit the IDEA that there's always more to things. things that aren't said, things you can't see, things you can't hear, things that are explained in ways that don't make any sense but they do. everything makes sense to those experiencing it. the way they think makes sense to them, the way we think makes sense to us. but no, we're wrong, we're off.
i don't want this. i don't ever ever ever want to fit in in this world. i don't want to be "accepted" for being different either. the world is made up of the "normal" ones. i have no interest or want to exist in a world that is largely made up of them simply bcs i may, at some point, happen upon someone or something that is decent, that feels decent. they want us to be happy, to live the lives they are living but not if we do it in a different way. not if they can't understand us perfectly.
i will stop thinking about their pain starting today. i can worry about my mom after i die and still know and understand that being alive is not in my best internet. maybe if i stay alive i will be the happiest person and have great people in my life and be satisfied with the life im living. but maybe not. and as much as people want it to be, this isn't about the future. me right now, isn't about the future. it's about me, right now. it's about the fact that i don't care for this. it isn't deeper than that. everything i said above? it doesn't matter, it isn't about any of that. i am not interested in this, i do not consent to continue doing this thing of being here. it is that simple. they can call it cptsd, depression, bpd, anxiety, anything they want. if they need labels, if they need explanations, that's on them. they choose that, i choose this.
i hope everyone on here knows that even if the people around them are fuckass, crap faced people, they are known and seen on here. it could mean nothing, as it does for me. this community doesn't make me feel any less lonely. but it exists. i can make this post here. i am glad i can do that. i am glad i can interact with people that think like me, that are infact very different from the people ive described above. i dont know any of you personally but know that the world and its people being fucking weird is not on you. it's no on you to solve it and it isn't on you to "take it as it comes." you have the right to make your decisions and you will be supported in whatever decision by me and a lot of people on here. sending love to all of you
