Venting bsfs hanging out w out me

[comeoutandhauntme]

i struggle with trusting that people like me and value me as much as i do them. it takes a lot for me to begin to finally believe it and to begin trusting my friends. i've had multiple past scenarios where people would randomly switch up on me for NO reason, out of nowhere, or just suddenly start leaving me out of things. they've always valued other friends over me.

i have 3 bsfs and we all became super close within the past year. just as i was really getting comfortable with them, really trusting them, really feeling like finally, FINALLY i've found my people…i check our life360 tn and they're all hanging at one of their houses. no invite, no text, no nothing. couldn't even be bothered to be secretive abt it.

i'm shaking rn just wondering wtf i could've done. we hung out the 4 of us last night and it was fine, i've spoken w 2/3 of them today and it's all been fine. then boom, leaving me out for no reason out of nowhere.

it'd be one thing if they were all going out to bars or smth, bc they're all 21+ and i'm not, but nope. just hanging at the house. prbly talking abt how they're glad to be rid of me. prbly they have some of our other friends there as well and threw a whole little get together without me.

i'm just hurt. i've expressed my fears to them multiple times and they'd always been nothing but so kind and reassuring and affirming and telling me how much they love me, they'd never do me dirty like that. yeah fucking right. last time i ever trust anyone. if i can't trust them i can't trust anyone.

just wish i knew what was so wrong and so awful abt me for this to keep happening over and over and over to me throughout my life every time i get close to people. why am i so bad? what makes me so horrible i have to constantly endure this?

idk. just really hurt and confused rn. wishing everything could all be over already

 

[DownwardSpiral]

That really sucks, it must hurt immensely. However, it doesn't have to send you into a spiral. You said you hung out with them and talked with them and it was fine, so thats good. Sometimes people just want space for a little bit for whatever reason, like maybe they have some shared interest that they can't talk about as much with you there because you're not as into it.

It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. And maybe they thought you wouldn't notice you were left out so they could skip the trouble of telling you that and risking hurting your feelings, which is rude but is understandable. It's also possible you might be right, but I think there is value in having some patience to find out if reality is really as bad as it feels in your head, because you don't want to push them away by being clingy and paranoid if you are wrong and they do still care about you.

Having trustworthy friends is important. If you can handle it, you could try communicating your honest feelings with them in a calm and simple manner and see how they react.

You could say "hey, i happened to be on life 360 and i thought i saw you guys hanging out. It's okay for you guys to do whatever you want, I'm not going to force you to have me around, but I felt a little hurt that nobody said anything to me. I was feeling a little scared and abandoned even though I know that wasnt your intention." If they get aggravated by honest communication then they might not be good friends for you, but also maybe they will understand and try to be better.

It can be extremely hard to be vulnerable like that if you have had bad experiences in the past with others, but good trustworthy people are not like those unreliable people. They will appreciate honesty and communication and do their best to support you.

But its also hard to not be the first choice friend, I know how that feels. For me it sucks because I had very few friends so I depended on them a lot more for support than they did for me, because they had a lot more friends they could turn to.

 

[Karrikin]

To have trust broken so badly that you physically shake is an awful thing, I'm truly sorry to hear that. However, in my short lived experience I'd say stay away from trying to surmise definitive answers as to what you did wrong –it usually isn't right, often skewed by the low opinion you'd hold of yourself in the moment. Anyways, trust isn't an easy thing to build and it'll be made all the more difficult to re-establish given how brashly it was taken from you. Just try not to completely shut yourself off from the possibility of actually finding those who not only care but are consistent about it. I used to have two people I'd call best friends but I managed to lose both in the span of one and half months from some things I said. It's not an easy loss for sure, but it won't be helped by the self blame.

**Also, this is just my opinion –well, this whole post is– but would you be open to giving them sorta "second" chances, see if maybe you weren't there for a reason? Would asking for some more clarity on how they really see you help in any way…? Just a thought.

Anyways, I'm sorry this happened to you and has been this way. Everyone deserves to feel appreciated at some point, it's natural and a difficult process but thankfully manageable if you find the way. I wish you the best