missporcelain
New Member
- Sep 24, 2023
- 4
I feel I am reaching a breaking point. I spent the afternoon with my family and a friend for Easter, and broke down before I could even get in my car and drive off. No one knows. And that's what makes living so hard. Everyone, it seems, is oblivious and sees me as the girl who has her act together. A recent breakup is what reignited these awful feelings and impulses. I felt this uncontrollably pathetic cry as I drove back to my apartment. I skipped my neighborhood's entrance and drove downtown to find the tallest building, for if I choose to jump. I've fought so hard since this breakup of avoiding self sabotaging habits, pursuing life giving things, and somehow remaining stable during the day. I've worked, cooked, exercised, engaged with people, made future plans...but today, I was reminded yet again of my shortcoming and failures, and especially my love life. My love life eats at me unlike anything else. I've been in three (serious) relationships now, and my previous one that ended just shy of a month ago. I thought he would be my forever...and instead, I was his confusion and realized I did not fit his checkboxes. Today I felt gutted a few times, because I saw the checkboxes he wanted in other women, and all I could think was, "Wow. You all would fit his bill better than me," which caused a plummet in my thoughts. He said I checked "almost every" checkbox, but there was one (a partner in vocational ministry) that I lacked that he was unsure whether it was a requirement or not. Almost 10 years ago, I surrendered my theatrical shoes and have fought so hard to pick up my love for singing again (though different than "vocational ministry"...tsk tsk), but it's felt constantly like a shut door in my face. That to say, I already deal with a grief of sorts of that life I used to have and haven't seemed to get back. The reminder of the things I am not, and especially from someone I deeply loved, makes me feel gutted. I feel like I didn't "check" so many boxes. It was like being told, "You're wonderful and you haven't done anything wrong...but you don't check my idealized version of you."
It is hard to describe how deeply that hit my self worth. I feel like a failure. I feel like nothingness and crumbs. I feel undesirable, unlovable, and like a walking flaw. I keep myself publicly stable and don't care to vomit my emotions on others, using them as an emotional punching bag. I am open and honest when I am asked how I'm doing or someone checks in, but also keep certain emotions at bay for fear I will seem as though I'm trying to get attention. I feel so lost. I checked myself into a mental hospital a little over a year ago when I had a nervous breakdown and suicidal thoughts, but just left with anti-depression prescriptions and feeling more dysfunctional than whole. On the drive home this eve, I cried because no one gets it. My parents don't and never have gotten it. My friends don't get it. Some do, but not from my perspective and truly what it's like to be me. No one understands how dark and painful it feels behind my skin. I feel like everyone expects and sees this stainless steel version of me, but I am truthfully like red wine spilled and stained onto white carpet. I feel my blemishes and doubt myself so, so much. I cannot seem to escape the constant pattern of breakups and let down and viscerally painful situations. I understand life is not perfect, but my question is, "Is it worth it, really, to live JUST to add numbers to my days, when 100% of us will someday die? Is it worth it to go through the long, rigorous days of fighting my own psyche?"
I do not know how much longer I can distract. I feel so alone. I feel broken. I feel gutted. I am struggling with delusional thoughts. I do not know how much longer my painkillers and alcohol and the 15 floor building will just sit by as I conjure up how to do it quick, easy, and confidently. I feel cowardly for the fear of doing it alone. I almost feel as though if someone else or others had the same idea and were with me to not die alone, I could go through with it. Life feels so utterly bleak and meaningless. It's felt joyful at times, but the reality that the hardships and pain will constantly come back until the day death itself takes me be surprise...makes my desperately want to take my life into my own hands. No matter what I do, achieve, accomplish, and no matter the beauty of the face, fitness of the body, social status or any material possession I could ever attain, it all is ultimately meaningless, will grow bleak and bland, and I'll wonder, "What's next?" because this temporary life is not Home. The reasons I tally up to stay for a little while longer are sounding less and less worthwhile.
It is hard to describe how deeply that hit my self worth. I feel like a failure. I feel like nothingness and crumbs. I feel undesirable, unlovable, and like a walking flaw. I keep myself publicly stable and don't care to vomit my emotions on others, using them as an emotional punching bag. I am open and honest when I am asked how I'm doing or someone checks in, but also keep certain emotions at bay for fear I will seem as though I'm trying to get attention. I feel so lost. I checked myself into a mental hospital a little over a year ago when I had a nervous breakdown and suicidal thoughts, but just left with anti-depression prescriptions and feeling more dysfunctional than whole. On the drive home this eve, I cried because no one gets it. My parents don't and never have gotten it. My friends don't get it. Some do, but not from my perspective and truly what it's like to be me. No one understands how dark and painful it feels behind my skin. I feel like everyone expects and sees this stainless steel version of me, but I am truthfully like red wine spilled and stained onto white carpet. I feel my blemishes and doubt myself so, so much. I cannot seem to escape the constant pattern of breakups and let down and viscerally painful situations. I understand life is not perfect, but my question is, "Is it worth it, really, to live JUST to add numbers to my days, when 100% of us will someday die? Is it worth it to go through the long, rigorous days of fighting my own psyche?"
I do not know how much longer I can distract. I feel so alone. I feel broken. I feel gutted. I am struggling with delusional thoughts. I do not know how much longer my painkillers and alcohol and the 15 floor building will just sit by as I conjure up how to do it quick, easy, and confidently. I feel cowardly for the fear of doing it alone. I almost feel as though if someone else or others had the same idea and were with me to not die alone, I could go through with it. Life feels so utterly bleak and meaningless. It's felt joyful at times, but the reality that the hardships and pain will constantly come back until the day death itself takes me be surprise...makes my desperately want to take my life into my own hands. No matter what I do, achieve, accomplish, and no matter the beauty of the face, fitness of the body, social status or any material possession I could ever attain, it all is ultimately meaningless, will grow bleak and bland, and I'll wonder, "What's next?" because this temporary life is not Home. The reasons I tally up to stay for a little while longer are sounding less and less worthwhile.
