Bpd

[fearmenot]

I see this a lot in the way my parents make remarks about my chronic health condition, it makes me go from 0 to 100 and I just go ballistic. Then I do violent shit that I regret because its overreaction by miles.

It's that overreaction. Because if you use tough love it ignites the situation, if you play dead it just reinforces that that behavior is ok, even if you try to confront with kindness and say something like please don't treat me like that it becomes a matter of "it's your fault I'm this angry to begin with so deal with it"

there is no winning

 

[BridgeJumper]

I realize that kicking my father in the shin and then going abroad for a few days is not an appropriate response to 'Doctors said youre fine and I think they know better than you', but Im suffering so much with my condition and when they invalidate me white hot rage sets in. I mostly control myself, I dont 'split' or whatever its called about other situations really much. But the moment they touch the physical illness problem I flip shit. Im tired of living with it and suffering and never being takenseriously.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

It's that overreaction. Because if you use tough love it ignites the situation, if you play dead it just reinforces that that behavior is ok, even if you try to confront with kindness and say something like please don't treat me like that it becomes a matter of "it's your fault I'm this angry to begin with so deal with it"

there is no winning

Leave her, if you can.

 

[Goodbye710]

Fearmenot,
My thoughts are you must learn to be stoic. You must learn to not take anything serious. You must learn to realize the problem she has. Once you realize what she has, you'll not take things personal, you may feel sorry for her

With that said, you need to have a talk with her. Don't be confrontational. Just when you're hanging out together. Let her know you'll never leave her. But also let her know your boundaries that physical violence and cheating, destroying your reputation or whatever is a no go zone.

My thoughts are it's not good if others leave a family member or spouse or friend because things aren't easy for the other. But you must set firm boundaries and realize she's on an emotional rollercoaster and you will be too if you let it get to you.

They say those with BPD are actually victims. Survivors of trauma. From what I've seen it's true. When you realize this, things may click on what you need to do snd the boundaries you must give while always constantly reassuring her that you love her.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I realize that kicking my father in the shin and then going abroad for a few days is not an appropriate response to 'Doctors said youre fine and I think they know better than you', but Im suffering so much with my condition and when they invalidate me white hot rage sets in. I mostly control myself, I dont 'split' or whatever its called about other situations really much. But the moment they touch the physical illness problem I flip shit. Im tired of living with it and suffering and never being takenseriously.

She'll only get better if she wants to and has the resources to help her do it. One of the best things for me was when the people I clung to left me and I was forced to think about why they did. I was forced to confront how evil and horrible I was and learned to internalize the whirlwind of pain so I only hurt myself.

 

[fearmenot]

Leave her, if you can.

I appreciate you

Fearmenot,
My thoughts are you must learn to be stoic. You must learn to not take anything serious. You must learn to realize the problem she has. Once you realize what she has, you'll not take things personal, you may feel sorry for her

With that said, you need to have a talk with her. Don't be confrontational. Just when you're hanging out together. Let her know you'll never leave her. But also let her know your boundaries that physical violence and cheating, destroying your reputation or whatever is a no go zone.

My thoughts are it's not good if others leave a family member or spouse or friend because things aren't easy for the other. But you must set firm boundaries and realize she's on an emotional rollercoaster and you will be too if you let it get to you.

They say those with BPD are actually victims. Survivors of trauma. From what I've seen it's true. When you realize this, things may click on what you need to do snd the boundaries you must give while always constantly reassuring her that you love her.

You have a very valid point, I appreciate your perspectives

 

[BridgeJumper]

Well, hope she gets the help she needs
No resources exist for me, they want me to piss off, I was doomed from the start but as I got worse all bridges are burned. I need to either jump or move somewhere else and start with a blank slate so I can even have an opportunity to get help. They wont give it to me here anymore, even professionals are fed up with my bullshit. Sorry for making this about myself again but I cant take it, Im close to my wits end.

 

[fearmenot]

She'll only get better if she wants to and has the resources to help her do it. One of the best things for me was when the people I clung to left me and I was forced to think about why they did. I was forced to confront how evil and horrible I was and learned to internalize the whirlwind of pain so I only hurt myself.

You're right, it's in her hands. It's such a shame it has to hit rock bottom before it gets better. But that's the same with addiction too.

 

[Lilacmoon]

You're right, it's in her hands. It's such a shame it has to hit rock bottom before it gets better. But that's the same with addiction too.

If she's particularly bad, she may threaten "if you leave, I'll do xyz" to herself.
Don't let that influence you. Whatever she does is her own responsibility.

Well, hope she gets the help she needs
No resources exist for me, they want me to piss off, I was doomed from the start but as I got worse all bridges are burned. I need to either jump or move somewhere else and start with a blank slate so I can even have an opportunity to get help. They wont give it to me here anymore, even professionals are fed up with my bullshit. Sorry for making this about myself again but I cant take it, Im close to my wits end.

-hugs- I love you so much Bridgey. Even with resources I still ended up a fucked up mess. BPD is hell to everyone involved.

 

[fearmenot]

Well, hope she gets the help she needs
No resources exist for me, they want me to piss off, I was doomed from the start but as I got worse all bridges are burned. I need to either jump or move somewhere else and start with a blank slate so I can even have an opportunity to get help. They wont give it to me here anymore, even professionals are fed up with my bullshit. Sorry for making this about myself again but I cant take it, Im close to my wits end.

You may feel how you feel about yourself but I've throughly enjoyed for insight and appreciate you for it

 

[Goodbye710]

make sure you set firm boundaries, learn not to take anything serious by being stoic but comfort her by just being there for her and let her know.

If she feels you pulling away from the relationship, the relationship will probably end if she has BPD. They'll push you away, but just learn to hang out with her, comfort her, be stoic but make sure you have boundaries. Just realize she's an emotional wreck who needs someone there for her and it will be hard on you by being there for her. They are actually victims. Think of them as having PTSD. It would be similar to if you came back from war all messed up and your spouse now has to put up with the crazy. Just make sure you set boundaries. But remember, BPD all they really want is someone to be there for them.

 

[fearmenot]

make sure you set firm boundaries, learn not to take anything serious by being stoic but comfort her by just being there for her and let her know.

If she feels you pulling away from the relationship, the relationship will probably end if she has BPD. They'll push you away, but just learn to hang out with her, comfort her, be stoic but make sure you have boundaries. Just realize she's an emotional wreck who needs someone there for her and it will be hard on you by being there for her. They are actually victims. Think of them as having PTSD. It would be similar to if you came back from war all messed up and your spouse now has to put up with the crazy. Just make sure you set boundaries. But remember, BPD all they really want is someone to be there for them.

If it was only that simple. I've always been there and forgiven her but what she does now a days is lie to my face and text the girl she cheated on me with behind my back.

 

[Jean Améry]

Something tells me it's even harder for those who have it themselves: clearly they don't want to be mean or manipulating (unlike sociopaths) and they suffer under their own (compulsive) behaviour more than anyone else. Even to an outsider that sounds rather painful and difficult to deal with.

One of my aunts showed severe signs of it: long story short she managed to alienate everyone in our family except for her son and I haven't seen her in decades. She was constantly fighting with her brother over perceived slights, lied, gossiped and manipulated and attempted to drag everyone into it as well. She even sued my dear old grandmother (to me literally the best and kindest person in the world) over a rental issue (my grandparents let her rent their old shop for comparatively little money yet she always felt she was treated unfairly and bullied my grandmother until she had to kick her out, this was before the agreed upon term was up so legally she was entitled to damages due to breach of contract) and made her life hell while she was dealing with the loss of her husband and physical ailments.

As to your situation: it would seem you'd be better off without her. I know this may sound harsh but in this cruel world you should primarily look out for yourself. Only when you're well and stable can you mean something to someone else or do meaningful things for them.

Personally I'd rather be alone than with a woman with mental or emotional issues (been there, done that) but then again I'm lucky I'm fairly resistant to social pressure (I don't need to be with someone just because it's expected) and am generally ok on my own. Not that it has been easy dealing with loss and heart-ache . Then again life isn't easy, for anyone it seems and for quite a few people it's a living hell. Hence the need for a place like SS.

Reading the testimonies of people on here who have this I genuinly feel for you. The pain in your words is obvious.

 

[fearmenot]

Something tells me it's even harder for those who have it themselves: clearly they don't want to be mean or manipulating (unlike sociopaths) and they suffer under their own (compulsive) behaviour more than anyone else. Even to an outsider that sounds rather painful and difficult to deal with.

One of my aunts showed severe signs of it: long story short she managed to alienate everyone in our family except for her son and I haven't seen her in decades. She was constantly fighting with her brother over perceived slights, lied, gossiped and manipulated and attempted to drag everyone into it as well. She even sued my dear old grandmother (to me literally the best and kindest person in the world) over a rental issue (my grandparents let her rent their old shop for comparatively little money yet she always felt she was treated unfairly and bullied my grandmother until she had to kick her out, this was before the agreed upon term was up so legally she was entitled to damages due to breach of contract) and made her life hell while she was dealing with the loss of her husband and physical ailments.

As to your situation: it would seem you'd be better off without her. I know this may sound harsh but in this cruel world you should primarily look out for yourself. Only when you're well and stable can you mean something to someone else or do meaningful things for them.

Personally I'd rather be alone than with a woman with mental or emotional issues (been there, done that) but then again I'm lucky I'm fairly resistant to social pressure (I don't need to be with someone just because it's expected) and am generally ok on my own. Not that it has been easy dealing with loss and heart-ache . Then again life isn't easy, for anyone it seems and for quite a few people it's a living hell. Hence the need for a place like SS.

Reading the testimonies of people on here who have this I genuinly feel for you. The pain in your words is obvious.

I appreciate your response, and value what you've said

 

[ZeroChance888]

I can't wait until it's my turn so I can die and rid the world of one of us :3 It's the only way to stop hurting myself or others <3

BPD here too and this reply shot me right in the heart because I know all too well what you mean, it gets exhausting to know we such burdens. Thank you for all the informative replies, I don't really disclose my bpd too many people because of the stigma associated with this diagnosis.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Yeah, it's so hard to believe when people say that they love us when there's so much self hatred and emptiness that we can't even function. I don't want to hurt anyone, but my only options are to hurt others or myself. DBT helped teach me how to channel the emotions inwards so at the very least I can act normal, meanwhile I'm killing myself inside every day because I can't take it.

I hope DBT helps your GF more than it did me, OP.

Are you currently in a relationship? I am not and I am considering never to enter another relationship ever again because my self hatred somehow becomes even worse when I start getting close to someone.

@Dr Iron Arc Does this make me a volcel?

 

[watsonsmith]

I second what others said about setting boundaries and leaving her.

I'm in a somewhat unique situation in that I experienced both sides of it. I was first in a 5.5 years relationship with a girl who had either NPD or BPD. She crushed my soul and gaslighted my perception of reality into oblivion. I then developed BPD myself in large part because of that relationship and acted it out towards the most amazing and loving person I've ever met. Fortunately she had a strong support system in form of her family and was an adult and I hope I didn't do too much damage.

This first relationship destroyed me – someone aptly put it as feeling like you are in the middle of the desert... after spending years walking through a minefield, putting all your energy into avoiding triggering one of the mines rather than focusing on finding your own path, individuating and embracing life.

If you do want to stay with her try and be honest about your feelings. Tell her that you are hurt when you are hurt, explain to her what her behaviour is doing to you. This is the gravest mistake I made in that first relationship – I was never honest, because I didn't want to suffer a tantrum. In hindsight, had I left that relationship or at least stepped up for myself more I am confident I wouldn't be on SS now.

 

[BridgeJumper]

I feel like bpd is not an excuse for things like:
Leaving a partner completely without warning
Cheating and lying about it
Suing grandparents for money
Others mentioned in this thread

etc
I might do drugs in public, try to jump off bridges, have explosive rages, but I will not excuse immoral behaviours with having a mental illness.

 

[Fxckmymouth]

Borderline personality disorder has to be one of the most challenging things to deal with. I don't have it myself but my gf of 2 years does. One min she hates me then the next she loves me. I never even know if we're together or not. We live together unfortunately so we rely on each other. I caught her still talking to someone she cheated on me with and of course she denied every second of it until I told her I had proof. Then she told me I basically imagined our relationship to be meaningful and that she never wanted to move in with me to begin with. This was Sunday that she said this now today she's been super thankful and grateful towards me and caring. She wants to take me to the urgent care ( I don't drive) after work because I pulled my sciatic nerve and in immense pain. I can't fathom how you can lie to some one in the dark but then in the light pretend like you care about them and are concerned so much. I don't get it and it's really done a number on my mental health.
Sorry for venting, I just feel so confused and lost

First of all i hope you're doing okay,
2nd of all i know how hard it is as i suffer with bpd myself and it's one of the hardest things in my life. It might seem forward but i always prewarn people befire i get attached to them as i know how difficult ny mood swings are. Theyre difficult for me let alone anyone else to deal with.

I hope you find what makes you happy as its extremely difficult, and noone deserves to be cheated on.
hope you're okay xx

 

[Lilacmoon]

Are you currently in a relationship? I am not and I am considering never to enter another relationship ever again because my self hatred somehow becomes even worse when I start getting close to someone.

@Dr Iron Arc Does this make me a volcel?

I am :( It's putting me through a lot of stress. I'm lucky I'm able to control the worst symptoms so I don't hurt her or act out with her anymore. Still, it's awful but I need the relationship too much or my head spins out of control. :(

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I am :( It's putting me through a lot of stress. I'm lucky I'm able to control the worst symptoms so I don't hurt her or act out with her anymore. Still, it's awful but I need the relationship too much or my head spins out of control. :(

Do you go through cycles of idealization and devaluation and if you do, how does that reflect on your relationship?

 

[Lilacmoon]

Do you go through cycles of idealization and devaluation and if you do, how does that reflect on your relationship?

I do. Sometimes multiple times in day. I let myself idealize. But when I go into devaluation I learned how to bottle it up and devalue myself instead to make sure I don't hurt her. it's not healthy... but I learned how to do this from past relationships going bad because of the cycle. It's either control myself or lose the relationship. I choose to control and suffer. If that makes sense? I'm sorry if this doesn't help or isn't clear.. I just woke up so my brain is foggy :(

 

[Sherri]

Borderline is though, met someone with that disease, never knew what to expect.

 

[fearmenot]

I second what others said about setting boundaries and leaving her.

I'm in a somewhat unique situation in that I experienced both sides of it. I was first in a 5.5 years relationship with a girl who had either NPD or BPD. She crushed my soul and gaslighted my perception of reality into oblivion. I then developed BPD myself in large part because of that relationship and acted it out towards the most amazing and loving person I've ever met. Fortunately she had a strong support system in form of her family and was an adult and I hope I didn't do too much damage.

This first relationship destroyed me – someone aptly put it as feeling like you are in the middle of the desert... after spending years walking through a minefield, putting all your energy into avoiding triggering one of the mines rather than focusing on finding your own path, individuating and embracing life.

If you do want to stay with her try and be honest about your feelings. Tell her that you are hurt when you are hurt, explain to her what her behaviour is doing to you. This is the gravest mistake I made in that first relationship – I was never honest, because I didn't want to suffer a tantrum. In hindsight, had I left that relationship or at least stepped up for myself more I am confident I wouldn't be on SS now.

I'm sorry you had to go thru that, I am grateful you're on SS now, as I am with everyone else who has put their voice into the conversation. I appreciate it

First of all i hope you're doing okay,
2nd of all i know how hard it is as i suffer with bpd myself and it's one of the hardest things in my life. It might seem forward but i always prewarn people befire i get attached to them as i know how difficult ny mood swings are. Theyre difficult for me let alone anyone else to deal with.

I hope you find what makes you happy as its extremely difficult, and noone deserves to be cheated on.
hope you're okay xx

Talking with everyone here has really helped me to start to feel ok. I thank you

Borderline is though, met someone with that disease, never knew what to expect.

Yeah it's that whole walking on eggshells principle

 

[ZeroChance888]

Love, fear of being alone?

Love, patience, kindness and an abundant amount of forgiveness but the abuse, emotional and physical is not acceptable under any circumstances, such a kind soul @fearmenot.

The only cure for BPD is death, I believe.

This diagnosis literally felt like a death sentence, all the meds prescribed are hit and miss and the taxing toll of "trying" different drugs until "the right one" is found feels so aimless. Even the psychotherapy isn't nailed down, but I'm trying to stick with dbt since that seems to be the default. I lost hope after researching and reading, watching and hearing videos and podcasts where even trained therapists upfront admit they hate bpd patients, it was so disheartening.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

What happens with us is that we feel emotions at incredible extremes. We also fluctuate incredibly rapidly with people we care about more, going from love bombing (showing care and affection) to pulling away (out of fear of abandonment) which can be seen as hating.

Umm... we don't pretend to care. We care a lot, too much, at intensities that we can't deal with. And we hate ourselves.

We care very much indeed,so much it sometimes hurts . We see black and white, no greys. In most cases, it's all or nothing. Love, hate, full , empty. But I learned to like / accept myself. ( And a lot of therapy)
It happens seldom anymore someone else suspects I've got BPD.( Amongst others)

But it's true, we're not the easiest partners, interesting yes. A lot of us need guidance, stability and a lot of patience.

 

[ZeroChance888]

Yeah, it's so hard to believe when people say that they love us when there's so much self hatred and emptiness that we can't even function. I don't want to hurt anyone, but my only options are to hurt others or myself. DBT helped teach me how to channel the emotions inwards so at the very least I can act normal, meanwhile I'm killing myself inside every day because I can't take it.

I hope DBT helps your GF more than it did me, OP.

Both of you summed this up so perfectly, thank you. We love so so so hard but I feel in our heads we can't overcome this feeling of not being "good enough" so the love received from the other person can't possibly "be real" (because how could anyone really truly love someone as difficult like me) so since it's "not real" it can end at any minute so let's just not let that happen and just give them a reason to hate us and leave us now, rip off the bandaid, get this heartbreak thing over and done with...since they most likely will do that anyway down the road once they get tired of us.

You're right that's exactly where I am now. I'm at the point now where I hate myself and am ashamed of myself for taking it all and having no self respect. I feel like such a desperate loser.

You're not a loser and you shouldn't be ashamed one bit. Loving someone with bpd is so hard, you are being extremely patient and loving....just know this has nothing to do with you or your worth, you aren't doing anything wrong. At her core she loves you too, but the bpd won't let her love you the way you deserve to be loved back and that as heart breaking as it sounds is also not het fault, she's sick and this IS her life, no cure, no treatment, no getting better. At best managing it. Please don't blame yourself for falling in love with a broken person, neither of you chose this. Hopefully you can come to terms with the fact that you'll need to leave her to save yourself or you will end up dying (figuratively and possibly literally) trying to save her.

This post is giving me flashbacks to some things Ive done and thought of doing...Shit Person Disease confirmed.
And yeah, tough love is a recipe to make me hate someone more

Yes, most definitely a way to trigger a bpd person. We don't see it as beneficial, we view it as rejection and that will make us spiral instantly. My parents tried that too and at 14 made my first ctb attempt. Not my proudest moment, clearly I'm still hear taking up space.

 

[Existingnotliving]

Borderline personality disorder has to be one of the most challenging things to deal with. I don't have it myself but my gf of 2 years does. One min she hates me then the next she loves me. I never even know if we're together or not. We live together unfortunately so we rely on each other. I caught her still talking to someone she cheated on me with and of course she denied every second of it until I told her I had proof. Then she told me I basically imagined our relationship to be meaningful and that she never wanted to move in with me to begin with. This was Sunday that she said this now today she's been super thankful and grateful towards me and caring. She wants to take me to the urgent care ( I don't drive) after work because I pulled my sciatic nerve and in immense pain. I can't fathom how you can lie to some one in the dark but then in the light pretend like you care about them and are concerned so much. I don't get it and it's really done a number on my mental health.
Sorry for venting, I just feel so confused and lost

Borderline personality disorder has to be one of the most challenging things to deal with. I don't have it myself but my gf of 2 years does. One min she hates me then the next she loves me. I never even know if we're together or not. We live together unfortunately so we rely on each other. I caught her still talking to someone she cheated on me with and of course she denied every second of it until I told her I had proof. Then she told me I basically imagined our relationship to be meaningful and that she never wanted to move in with me to begin with. This was Sunday that she said this now today she's been super thankful and grateful towards me and caring. She wants to take me to the urgent care ( I don't drive) after work because I pulled my sciatic nerve and in immense pain. I can't fathom how you can lie to some one in the dark but then in the light pretend like you care about them and are concerned so much. I don't get it and it's really done a number on my mental health.
Sorry for venting, I just feel so confused and lost

This is a hard one. I myself am diagosed with EUPD/BPD but I would never dream of cheating on my partner or cheating and then lying about it. I think that this is a conversation need to have with your girlfriend. You also need to learn how much you you will put up with due to her 'mental health' and when her mental health starts becoming an excuse. As someone with a personality disorder even I know the difference between me being a cunt and then having my mental health effect things. Mental illness should never give someone a 100% bypass for their actions. Even with mental health conditions we should be held accountable for our actions.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

This is a hard one. I myself am diagosed with EUPD/BPD but I would never dream of cheating on my partner or cheating and then lying about it. I think that this is a conversation need to have with your girlfriend. You also need to learn how much you you will put up with due to her 'mental health' and when her mental health starts becoming an excuse. As someone with a personality disorder even I know the difference between me being a cunt and then having my mental health effect things. Mental illness should never give someone a 100% bypass for their actions. Even with mental health conditions we should be held accountable for our actions.

The OP is dead. I agree with your post wholeheartedly.

 

[Existingnotliving]

Borderline personality disorder has to be one of the most challenging things to deal with. I don't have it myself but my gf of 2 years does. One min she hates me then the next she loves me. I never even know if we're together or not. We live together unfortunately so we rely on each other. I caught her still talking to someone she cheated on me with and of course she denied every second of it until I told her I had proof. Then she told me I basically imagined our relationship to be meaningful and that she never wanted to move in with me to begin with. This was Sunday that she said this now today she's been super thankful and grateful towards me and caring. She wants to take me to the urgent care ( I don't drive) after work because I pulled my sciatic nerve and in immense pain. I can't fathom how you can lie to some one in the dark but then in the light pretend like you care about them and are concerned so much. I don't get it and it's really done a number on my mental health.
Sorry for venting, I just feel so confused and lost

As a female who had BPD, I feel for you for trying to understand your girlfriend. However as a young female with BPD I would never dream on cheating on my boyfriend yet if I did I'd never blame my mental health on it. If your girlfriend does have the BPD diagnosis then you'd find she wouldn't be blaming all her actions on this. Having suffered heavily with BPDfor years I've never thought of cheating on somebody and even if I did then I'd never blame it on my mental health diagnosis. Mental health can be used for understanding in some cases but never let it become the deciding factor when it shouldnt be.