Bpd

[BridgeJumper]

I'm sorry you have to experience that, I can't imagine how that would feel

I jumped off a bridge upon returning home from that assesment. A 3rd one in a row, to which I travelled since 4 am, after being reassured they will look for a place for me the first 2 times but need to 'learn more'.
Mental illness privilege I guess. Im not worthy of getting help because its not as simple as just taking a crazy pill

 

[fearmenot]

I jumped off a bridge upon returning home from that assesment. A 3rd one in a row, to which I travelled since 4 am, after being reassured they will look for a place for me the first 2 times but need to 'learn more'.
Mental illness privilege I guess. Im not worthy of getting help because its not as simple as just taking a crazy pill

You're worthy in my book for what it matters

Yeah, it's so hard to believe when people say that they love us when there's so much self hatred and emptiness that we can't even function. I don't want to hurt anyone, but my only options are to hurt others or myself. DBT helped teach me how to channel the emotions inwards so at the very least I can act normal, meanwhile I'm killing myself inside every day because I can't take it.

I hope DBT helps your GF more than it did me, OP.

You all have really opened my eyes to how debilitating this could be. Thank you for your well wishes for her

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I jumped off a bridge upon returning home from that assesment. A 3rd one in a row, to which I travelled since 4 am, after being reassured they will look for a place for me the first 2 times but need to 'learn more'.
Mental illness privilege I guess. Im not worthy of getting help because its not as simple as just taking a crazy pill

I envy people with mental conditions that can be helped with medications and some talk therapy. Having a diseased personality is a curse.

 

[fearmenot]

BPD is a complex disorder, we feel a deep inner void that nothing can fill. I have been told many times that I am loved and appreciated, but I could never feel it or believe it. Lack of love and being emotionally neglected in childhood sets us up for a search of that fundamental form of love that is impossible to find in adulthood. We do care deeply about others, but we also split rather easily. It is not easy to live like that.

You're right it's not easy. I wish I knew how to love her or if I could take some of that pain away from her.

 

[StuFin]

I feel for you, I suspected my ex was BPD for a long time, but I feel she was more NPD, although there is a great overlap between them.

My advice to you, and you won't want to hear it, is to leave her.

She will not change, her behaviour will become progressively worse (and you won't realise because it becomes normalised), and at the end, when she leaves you (which she will), you'll be left feeling completely empty and lost, like you've been dumped in the middle of a desert where it looks the same in every direction and you won't know who you are, where you are, where you need to go, or how to get there.

You'll find yourself paralysed and it will take you years to get over it, if you ever can.

You can not fix broken people, all that happens when you try is they break you, and then leave you to try and glue the pieces back together.

Then often they come back telling you what a mistake they made, how they miss you, etc, they inflate you with a false sense of worth - then after they've destroyed you again they leave you in even smaller pieces.

 

[fearmenot]

I feel for you, I suspected my ex was BPD for a long time, but I feel she was more NPD, although there is a great overlap between them.

My advice to you, and you won't want to hear it, is to leave her.

She will not change, her behaviour will become progressively worse (and you won't realise because it becomes normalised), and at the end, when she leaves you (which she will), you'll be left feeling completely empty and lost, like you've been dumped in the middle of a desert where it looks the same in every direction and you won't know who you are, where you are, where you need to go, or how to get there.

You'll find yourself paralysed and it will take you years to get over it, if you ever can.

You can not fix broken people, all that happens when you try is they break you, and then leave you to try and glue the pieces back together.

You're right that's exactly where I am now. I'm at the point now where I hate myself and am ashamed of myself for taking it all and having no self respect. I feel like such a desperate loser.

 

[Kramer]

Hello there, Im Bridge and I have Shit Person Disease!

Thats why I became a shut in, never talk to anyone and only leave to attempt suicide.
Because I am aware that my disorder makes me do stupid, attention seeking and manipulating shit, so by removing myself from society I can do harm prevention!
I love that even on a suicide forum people are talking about bpds being 'the devil', 'so hard to deal with I needed to switch apartments' etc

Mmmm, can smell the stigma
[


Yes it is, Ive been diagnosed 10 years ago and every year I just get worse, not better, Im waiting for my dose of Jump From Height :) Cant be a piece of shit depressed loser when I dont exist

Why should anyone tolerate it? My neighbor was the person I've ever met. Not my fault and not my problem.

 

[StuFin]

You're right that's exactly where I am now. I'm at the point now where I hate myself and am ashamed of myself for taking it all and having no self respect. I feel like such a desperate loser.

They wear you down and erase your own sense of self so it can be replaced by something they can control with a look, a word, a snort, etc.

You will totally lose yourself and it will take you through hell to try and re-find yourself, and the whole journey you will be filled with self doubt and self loathing.

It's hard to leave them, because when things are good they are insanely good, and sex is usually mind blowing with them.

But insane is the word you need to focus on, and I would save you from the inevitable pain that I have experienced.

 

[Symbiote]

BPD feels like you're in a tragic comedy. None of the doctors want to help you, but then they want to keep you alive. For what? They won't treat ya, but they expect you to do self-imposed exile and not kill yourself in the process. No wonder everyone with BPD that becomes aware goes off the deep end. No way to live and then the stigma on top of it makes it to where you're driven underground, dead or alive.

 

[fearmenot]

BPD feels like you're in a tragic comedy. None of the doctors want to help you, but then they want to keep you alive. For what? They won't treat ya, but they expect you to do self-imposed exile and not kill yourself in the process. No wonder everyone with BPD that becomes aware goes off the deep end. No way to live and then the stigma on top of it makes it to where you're driven underground, dead or alive.

I don't think a lot of ppl know how to effectively treat even if they're "professionals"

 

[Symbiote]

I don't think a lot of ppl know how to effectively treat even if they're "professionals"

I think most mental illnesses do not have effective treatments that's why when you're initially diagnosed, they put you on a cocktail of different things, and it's just trial and error.

 

[fearmenot]

I think most mental illnesses do not have effective treatments that's why when you're initially diagnosed, they put you on a cocktail of different things, and it's just trial and error.

I think it's such a gray area. I have generalized anxiety disorder for which I've taken meds and didn't like them. I find what is helpful for me is if someone (I have respect for and trust) sits me down and has a real conversation with me about it. Either that or facing what I'm scared of head on has helped. But that tough love thing doesn't work for bpd at least not for the one experience I've had with it. Tough love makes things worse.

 

[Good4Nothing]

But that tough love thing doesn't work for bpd at least not for the one experience I've had with it. Tough love makes things worse.

My dad tried the tough love approach with my sister when she was a teen. It backfired spectacularly. Probably half a dozen times I watched him have to physically wrestle her to the kitchen floor and pry a kitchen knife out of her hands because she literally wanted to murder both my parents.

She had a very severe case of BPD, though, if there is such a thing as varying degrees of the disorder. I also believe she was psychotic, and in her last years before her death was extremely paranoid delusional.

 

[BridgeJumper]

My dad tried the tough love approach with my sister when she was a teen. It backfired spectacularly. Probably half a dozen times I watched him have to physically wrestle her to the kitchen floor and pry a kitchen knife out of her hands because she literally wanted to murder both my parents.

She had a very severe case of BPD, though, if there is such a thing as varying degrees of the disorder. I also believe she was psychotic, and in her last years before her death was extremely paranoid delusional.

This post is giving me flashbacks to some things Ive done and thought of doing...Shit Person Disease confirmed.
And yeah, tough love is a recipe to make me hate someone more

 

[Lilacmoon]

My dad tried the tough love approach with my sister when she was a teen. It backfired spectacularly. Probably half a dozen times I watched him have to physically wrestle her to the kitchen floor and pry a kitchen knife out of her hands because she literally wanted to murder both my parents.

She had a very severe case of BPD, though, if there is such a thing as varying degrees of the disorder. I also believe she was psychotic, and in her last years before her death was extremely paranoid delusional.

It definitely does vary. I'm sorry, that sounds horrible. :(

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Man, the more I keep hearing about this disorder, the more it kind of resonates with me and I feel like I might have it. Could be the WebMD effect but I can't see a real doctor at the moment to get evaluated for it because of covid and because I don't know what my health insurance situation is right now. If there's really no good treatment solutions, that's upsetting but at least it means I have all the more reason to go through with ctb'ing...

 

[Lilacmoon]

Man, the more I keep hearing about this disorder, the more it kind of resonates with me and I feel like I might have it. Could be the WebMD effect but I can't see a real doctor at the moment to get evaluated for it because of covid and because I don't know what my health insurance situation is right now. If there's really no good treatment solutions, that's upsetting but at least it means I have all the more reason to go through with ctb'ing...

If you want to, try looking up TIPP. Um, a link.

TIPP: DBT Skills, Worksheets, Videos, Exercises

Learn the TIPP technique to control overwhelming emotions. Watch the videos, learn the skills, do the worksheets, and apply it to your life.

dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com

Maybe it can help you manage, whether you do or don't have it.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

If you want to, try looking up TIPP. Um, a link.

TIPP: DBT Skills, Worksheets, Videos, Exercises

Learn the TIPP technique to control overwhelming emotions. Watch the videos, learn the skills, do the worksheets, and apply it to your life.

dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com

Maybe it can help you manage, whether you do or don't have it.

That could help, in case I ever actually am motivated enough to go through with that...

 

[Good4Nothing]

This post is giving me flashbacks to some things Ive done and thought of doing...Shit Person Disease confirmed.
And yeah, tough love is a recipe to make me hate someone more

I'm sorry.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Those things make me bow down my head in shame.
I hate that I do such wicked things, Im not evil and I dont do it to hurt anyone. Why does this stupid disease make me do this then, I need to jump.

 

[StuFin]

When I tried to give up smoking (and I tried a lot over 20 years, 50 cigs a day) I just couldn't stop, because i was trying to switch from cigarettes to patches, or cigarettes to gum, or cigarettes to inhalators, or ecigs, or snuff (yes I even tried this), or hypnosis, or lozenges, or etc, etc, etc.

Nothing worked because i was trying to swap smoking for something else, and you can't help but compare the two, and the other thing just isn't the same.

So in the end a simple change in thought worked, and it sounds mad, but it worked.

Instead of thinking I'm going to switch cigarettes for patches, I thought I want to stop smoking, and I'm simply going to use patches to get over the cravings to keep smoking, rather than viewing it as an alternative to smoking.

So maybe, instead of thinking I'm going to switch life for death, I'm going to move from one to the other instead, if you really don't want to be here any more you think "Life is painful and I don't want to do it any more".

So I'm going to step off this bridge, and that's going to help me to overcome the cravings to keep going through this painful existence.

If you see what I mean.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Yeah but Im a coward and I cant jump. Nothing helps. And Im stuck in a situation that will just never improve so I have to either suck it up and do this or suffer permanent torture

 

[BipolarGuy]

Borderline personality disorder has to be one of the most challenging things to deal with. I don't have it myself but my gf of 2 years does. One min she hates me then the next she loves me. I never even know if we're together or not. We live together unfortunately so we rely on each other. I caught her still talking to someone she cheated on me with and of course she denied every second of it until I told her I had proof. Then she told me I basically imagined our relationship to be meaningful and that she never wanted to move in with me to begin with. This was Sunday that she said this now today she's been super thankful and grateful towards me and caring. She wants to take me to the urgent care ( I don't drive) after work because I pulled my sciatic nerve and in immense pain. I can't fathom how you can lie to some one in the dark but then in the light pretend like you care about them and are concerned so much. I don't get it and it's really done a number on my mental health.
Sorry for venting, I just feel so confused and lost

I need to understand this more:

What do you feel is the most important things that those who don't have BPD don't understand?

 

[Sherri]

You really must love her for you to still be on her side. She's lucky to have you. All the best hun.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Why should anyone tolerate it? My neighbor was the person I've ever met. Not my fault and not my problem.

Did I say anything? I said I self imposed isolation on myself to protect people from me, because I know Im a piece of shit person. Out of sight, out of mind

And I never left anyone. They left me. They left me first cause I hurt them. And I really did, not just saying a bpd cliche
And how does NPD overlap with BPD when NPDs literally think of themselves the highest ever and have no empathy? And when I hurt people, my heart is breaking!

 

[fearmenot]

You really must love her for you to still be on her side. She's lucky to have you. All the best hun.

I think you're talking to me so I just want to say thank you, I appreciate that

I need to understand this more:

What do you feel is the most important things that those who don't have BPD don't understand?

How to not take it personal I guess. The biggest obstacles I've ever to overcome is one min telling me I'm great and the next that I'm garbage all the while I'm not really changing anything in my behavior. I wish myself, maybe even could apply to all ppl which BPD, could know how to help even while you're being attacked. I don't know how to not take the verbal abuse personally, the cheating personally, the physical abuse personally

 

[Good4Nothing]

Those things make me bow down my head in shame.
I hate that I do such wicked things, Im not evil and I dont do it to hurt anyone. Why does this stupid disease make me do this then, I need to jump.

When I was young I thought my sister was evil. She treated me and our little sister horribly. Physical fights with her were part of life. She was always hurting us, and we banded together against her, which made her hate us even more.

She never apologised for any of her behavior, never even acknowledged it, clear up to her deathbed. She was just fine, the rest of the world was insane, it was everyone else's behavior that made her act that way.

Once she had kids I started trying to be her friend. It was an extremely shallow relationship. I had to agree with everything she said, never say anything that might be interpreted as critical, because she turned on a dime, and it was so hard to know where her boundaries where. She was unpredictable. But I managed to be her friend the last 10 years or so of her life.

I began to see that she had no choice in being that way. Her brain was just wired wrong. I started feeling sorry for her. It must have been so hard, if she had any awareness at all. I don't think she did. I don't know if that made it better or worse.

I'm sorry this is rambling. I took the scenic route to say I understand. You're not evil. Just broken. It's not your fault.

I hope I didn't trigger more bad memories for you. That wasn't my intention.
My phone won't let me post emojis, so just imagine a heart and a hug here.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I think you're talking to me so I just want to say thank you, I appreciate that

How to not take it personal I guess. The biggest obstacles I've ever to overcome is one min telling me I'm great and the next that I'm garbage all the while I'm not really changing anything in my behavior. I wish myself, maybe even could apply to all ppl which BPD, could know how to help even while you're being attacked. I don't know how to not take the verbal abuse personally, the cheating personally, the physical abuse personally

Well you should always take any abuse personally. Mental illness doesn't give you an excuse to abuse. Why do you think we hate ourselves so much? :P

 

[fearmenot]

Well you should always take any abuse personally. Mental illness doesn't give you an excuse to abuse. Why do you think we hate ourselves so much? :P

I used to tell her I can't handle you when your splitting, talk to me after. And she said if I can't deal with her and be there for her worst than there's no point in me being there at all. And then I would tell her tell me what you need from me without bad mouthing me or treating me like I don't treat you well ever and she said I'm supposed to be able to deal with what she says at the moment and then when things are calm address her about what she said to me.

honestly it's all so confusing because I absolutely despise confrontation but there is something that irks the living hell out of me when someone is bad mouthing my character because I don't even think I'm that horrible

 

[BridgeJumper]

I see this a lot in the way my parents make remarks about my chronic health condition, it makes me go from 0 to 100 and I just go ballistic. Then I do violent shit that I regret because its overreaction by miles.