Bpd

[fearmenot]

Borderline personality disorder has to be one of the most challenging things to deal with. I don't have it myself but my gf of 2 years does. One min she hates me then the next she loves me. I never even know if we're together or not. We live together unfortunately so we rely on each other. I caught her still talking to someone she cheated on me with and of course she denied every second of it until I told her I had proof. Then she told me I basically imagined our relationship to be meaningful and that she never wanted to move in with me to begin with. This was Sunday that she said this now today she's been super thankful and grateful towards me and caring. She wants to take me to the urgent care ( I don't drive) after work because I pulled my sciatic nerve and in immense pain. I can't fathom how you can lie to some one in the dark but then in the light pretend like you care about them and are concerned so much. I don't get it and it's really done a number on my mental health.
Sorry for venting, I just feel so confused and lost

 

[Kramer]

I've encountered people with it and I've never felt such rage as when I've had to deal with them. I had to move away from a good apartment because my neighbor was basically the devil.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Is your immense pain okay? Is that issue resolved at least?

I can offer insight as someone who does have Borderline Personality Disorder.

What happens with us is that we feel emotions at incredible extremes. We also fluctuate incredibly rapidly with people we care about more, going from love bombing (showing care and affection) to pulling away (out of fear of abandonment) which can be seen as hating.

Umm... we don't pretend to care. We care a lot, too much, at intensities that we can't deal with. And we hate ourselves more every second.

But I'm stupid and an idiot and this disease is going to drive my decision to ctb so... /shrug. I probably don't have the right to contribute in this discussion, sorry. Of course I'm just speaking for myself. It can differ depending on the person... like any mental illness.

 

[Ren Elsie Jewelria]

BPD is hell. I also had a gf with bpd and it was a nightmare. That was many years ago, but I remember her antics very well.

 

[fearmenot]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Is your immense pain okay? Is that issue resolved at least?

I can offer insight as someone who does have Borderline Personality Disorder.

What happens with us is that we feel emotions at incredible extremes. We also fluctuate incredibly rapidly with people we care about more, going from love bombing (showing care and affection) to pulling away (out of fear of abandonment) which can be seen as hating.

Umm... we don't pretend to care. We care a lot, too much, at intensities that we can't deal with. And we hate ourselves more every second.

But I'm stupid and an idiot and this disease is going to drive my decision to ctb so... /shrug. I probably don't have the right to contribute in this discussion, sorry. Of course I'm just speaking for myself. It can differ depending on the person... like any mental illness.

Thank you so much for your reply and I'm sorry for your struggle. I've had to learn about it from being with her. I try to be understanding but the splitting is the hardest to deal with. I swear if one thing doesn't go her way then it's like the end of the world and I never loved her or nothing I did was ever good enough. I know I'm not perfect, I struggle with anxiety and I'm human but I've tried so hard. Every time that she's punched me in the head or told me how much of an idiot I was i haven't held against her. I really can't understand tho how you continuing to talk to someone she cheated on me with tho doesn't make sense to her how much it hurts me.
Thanks for asking about my back, I pulled it because I get so sick and worked up each time I find out she's talking to the girl that it makes me physically ill. I had a herniated disc to begin with but I guess now I hit the sciatic nerve. My whole leg from foot to hip feels like pins and needles

 

[fearmenot]

I've encountered people with it and I've never felt such rage as when I've had to deal with them. I had to move away from a good apartment because my neighbor was basically the devil.

It's so overwhelming. Thank you for your reply

BPD is hell. I also had a gf with bpd and it was a nightmare. That was many years ago, but I remember her antics very well.

I feel like I need a support group just from being with her all these years

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

There are so many people with bpd here. I wish I found this site sooner as having such an insight to how people having it work would have been valuable for me.

 

[fearmenot]

There are so many people with bpd here. I wish I found this site sooner as having such an insight to how people having it work would have been valuable for me.

I just saw that. Goodness it really is like a double edge sword. It hurts ppl who have it and ppl who are close to them.

 

[Lilacmoon]

Thank you so much for your reply and I'm sorry for your struggle. I've had to learn about it from being with her. I try to be understanding but the splitting is the hardest to deal with. I swear if one thing doesn't go her way then it's like the end of the world and I never loved her or nothing I did was ever good enough. I know I'm not perfect, I struggle with anxiety and I'm human but I've tried so hard. Every time that she's punched me in the head or told me how much of an idiot I was i haven't held against her. I really can't understand tho how you continuing to talk to someone she cheated on me with tho doesn't make sense to her how much it hurts me.
Thanks for asking about my back, I pulled it because I get so sick and worked up each time I find out she's talking to the girl that it makes me physically ill. I had a herniated disc to begin with but I guess now I hit the sciatic nerve. My whole leg from foot to hip feels like pins and needles

No matter what happens, punching in the head is unacceptable, mentally ill or not. I've been abused too. :( Cheating is a problem too.
I hope the pain in your back alleviates. I'll offer a virtual hug in hopes that maybe the pain lightens up a tiny bit. That really does sound awful.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Is your immense pain okay? Is that issue resolved at least?

I can offer insight as someone who does have Borderline Personality Disorder.

What happens with us is that we feel emotions at incredible extremes. We also fluctuate incredibly rapidly with people we care about more, going from love bombing (showing care and affection) to pulling away (out of fear of abandonment) which can be seen as hating.

Umm... we don't pretend to care. We care a lot, too much, at intensities that we can't deal with. And we hate ourselves more every second.

But I'm stupid and an idiot and this disease is going to drive my decision to ctb so... /shrug. I probably don't have the right to contribute in this discussion, sorry. Of course I'm just speaking for myself. It can differ depending on the person... like any mental illness.

I have it too and I can relate to what you wrote. BPD will push me to ctb too some day.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I think I have a bit of it myself, but I don't generally treat people poorly. My anger is usually turned inward.

My sister, on the other hand, had it badly, and was a nightmare to deal with. We always had to be very careful of what we said around her, because we never knew what was going to set her off. We called it " walking on egg shells".

She treated her husband like shit, and one night I tried to stick up for him. She threw a glass beer bottle at my face. It shattered my glasses and mangled the corner of my eye.

I hated her as a child, but as an adult I grew to feel sorry for her. She never acknowledged she had a problem, she was in complete denial. But she drove everyone who cared about her away. She had no friends, just an abused husband and 2 confused kids. She never talked about her feelings, but I know her life must have been hell.

I was relieved when she died. For selfish reasons at first, but now I'm glad she's finally at peace and no longer a slave to her broken mind.

 

[fearmenot]

No matter what happens, punching in the head is unacceptable, mentally ill or not. I've been abused too. :( Cheating is a problem too.
I hope the pain in your back alleviates. I'll offer a virtual hug in hopes that maybe the pain lightens up a tiny bit. That really does sound awful.

Thank you I really appreciate that. You're so right abuse and cheating aren't ok. I don't know what's wrong with me that I keep finding a way to talk myself into forgiving her.

I have it too and I can relate to what you wrote. BPD will push me to ctb too some day.

Thank you so much for replying in my chat

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

Thank you I really appreciate that. You're so right abuse and cheating aren't ok. I don't know what's wrong with me that I keep finding a way to talk myself into forgiving her.

Thank you so much for replying in my chat

Love, fear of being alone?

 

[fearmenot]

I think I have a bit of it myself, but I don't generally treat people poorly. My anger is usually turned inward.

My sister, on the other hand, had it badly, and was a nightmare to deal with. We always had to be very careful of what we said around her, because we never knew what was going to set her off. We called it " walking on egg shells".

She treated her husband like shit, and one night I tried to stick up for him. She threw a glass beer bottle at my face. It shattered my glasses and mangled the corner of my eye.

I hated her as a child, but as an adult I grew to feel sorry for her. She never acknowledged she had a problem, she was in complete denial. But she drove everyone who cared about her away. She had no friends, just an abused husband and 2 confused kids. She never talked about her feelings, but I know her life must have been hell.

I was relieved when she died. For selfish reasons at first, but now I'm glad she's finally at peace and no longer a slave to her broken mind.

Wow I'm sorry you had such a difficult childhood with her, that sounds scary

Love, fear of being alone?

Yeah it could be that. I think more than anything it's because I moved to an entirely different state to be with her and still haven't fully been able to establish myself here. At times I don't even know who I am anymore.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

The only cure for BPD is death, I believe.

 

[ravergirl]

I have BPD and am always here to talk to other borderlines. Feel free to send me a message.

(tw: I'm a drug user and a sex worker, and often talk about both).

 

[xLosthopex]

I have BPD and I treated my ex exactly how you're saying your gf is treating you. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. I know I really hurt my ex because of my behavior and the guilt has been eating me alive every day, that's one of the reasons for me wanting to ctb

I have BPD and am always here to talk to other borderlines. Feel free to send me a message.

(tw: I'm a drug user and a sex worker, and often talk about both).

I'm also a sex worker, hi!:)

 

[BridgeJumper]

Hello there, Im Bridge and I have Shit Person Disease!

Thats why I became a shut in, never talk to anyone and only leave to attempt suicide.
Because I am aware that my disorder makes me do stupid, attention seeking and manipulating shit, so by removing myself from society I can do harm prevention!
I love that even on a suicide forum people are talking about bpds being 'the devil', 'so hard to deal with I needed to switch apartments' etc

Mmmm, can smell the stigma
[

The only cure for BPD is death, I believe.

Yes it is, Ive been diagnosed 10 years ago and every year I just get worse, not better, Im waiting for my dose of Jump From Height :) Cant be a piece of shit depressed loser when I dont exist

 

[Symbiote]

Being self-aware that you have BPD and not have the wherewithal to control your actions before they spiral. Aware that the only thing that you'll amount to in this life time is being a shitty person is a painful thought process to acknowledge within yourself and that the only thing that can cure it is death. My mother was BPD, I think may have BPD as well because of my mannerisms around loved ones. It's either lash out or turn everything inward and destroy myself so much on the inside that I don't have the energy to lash out or interpret shit wrong.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Also love how mental health professionals call me shit like 'basically untreatable', 'you will probably commit suicide anyway', 'we cant help you ,this doesnt respond to medication'
AND THEN I TRAVEL 380 KM TO A TREATMENT CENTER THAT REJECTS ME FROM THERAPY BECAUSE I ALSO HAVE BIPOLAR, THEREFORE I CAN NEVER GET BETTER

Because being aware my brain is a shitshow doesnt make me able to stop it from being a shitshow! I need skills to do that!

 

[Nightmare92]

Borderline personality disorder has to be one of the most challenging things to deal with. I don't have it myself but my gf of 2 years does. One min she hates me then the next she loves me. I never even know if we're together or not. We live together unfortunately so we rely on each other. I caught her still talking to someone she cheated on me with and of course she denied every second of it until I told her I had proof. Then she told me I basically imagined our relationship to be meaningful and that she never wanted to move in with me to begin with. This was Sunday that she said this now today she's been super thankful and grateful towards me and caring. She wants to take me to the urgent care ( I don't drive) after work because I pulled my sciatic nerve and in immense pain. I can't fathom how you can lie to some one in the dark but then in the light pretend like you care about them and are concerned so much. I don't get it and it's really done a number on my mental health.
Sorry for venting, I just feel so confused and lost

It sounds basically like a girl I lived with for a year. I don't know if she had BPD, but my therapist said so and she behaved totally like you described. It really messed me up a lot and still today - 10 years later - I think about her. I don't know if you gonna be able to deal with that tbh... can't give you any further advice, but I moved out after she cheated on me. I still don't know if we ever had a relationship lol...

 

[Lilacmoon]

I can't wait until it's my turn so I can die and rid the world of one of us :3 It's the only way to stop hurting myself or others <3

 

[fearmenot]

It sounds basically like a girl I lived with for a year. I don't know if she had BPD, but my therapist said so and she behaved totally like you described. It really messed me up a lot and still today - 10 years later - I think about her. I don't know if you gonna be able to deal with that tbh... can't give you any further advice, but I moved out after she cheated on me. I still don't know if we ever had a relationship lol...

Lol thank you for your reply. I appreciate you sharing

 

[whywere]

I have BPD, and it is probably either the main or one of the main reason I have no friends at all. I fully admit that I am the same. One minute I am the world and eveything and everyone is great and then the next look out!!! I truly feel for you becasue living with someone with that would be a challenge to say the least. I would ask her about DBT( Dialectical Behavior Therapy), and see if that might help her. I was going to try it, but I am in the USA and little medical insurance, so a no go, would have to pay for it upfront and can not afford it. My heart goes out to you and please try and remember that you have your global family here to help and lean on. All the love, caring and empathy and SUPPORT in the world to you, our global family member!!!

 

[fearmenot]

I have BPD, and it is probably either the main or one of the main reason I have no friends at all. I fully admit that I am the same. One minute I am the world and eveything and everyone is great and then the next look out!!! I truly feel for you becasue living with someone with that would be a challenge to say the least. I would ask her about DBT( Dialectical Behavior Therapy), and see if that might help her. I was going to try it, but I am in the USA and little medical insurance, so a no go, would have to pay for it upfront and can not afford it. My heart goes out to you and please try and remeber that you have your global family here to help and lean on. All the love, caring and empathy and SUPPORT in the world to you, our global family member!!!

Thank you!! I appreciate you. I bought her a DBT workbook from amazon to try and get her to be able to work thru some of it (it was only like $20 too so you might want to try it out). Idk if the workbook is helping her or not, our last fight all she did was say how I go out of my way to buy her this but not to try and fully support her or learn about BPD myself . Idk it's like everything that goes wrong is somehow my fault.

Sidebar: I can try to find the author of the book if you'd like to know

 

[BridgeJumper]

I hurt people, but people hurt me too!
I remove myself from society to both protect myself from views like this because I dont need it, and to protect them, because I know its not entirely untrue and Im really a piece of shit person
There is no win

 

[fearmenot]

I have BPD and am always here to talk to other borderlines. Feel free to send me a message.

(tw: I'm a drug user and a sex worker, and often talk about both).

Thank you for your reply, yes she is addicted to marijuana which honestly I think makes things worse because she never has to try to cope with her feelings since she always has weed to rely on

 

[fearmenot]

I have BPD and I treated my ex exactly how you're saying your gf is treating you. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. I know I really hurt my ex because of my behavior and the guilt has been eating me alive every day, that's one of the reasons for me wanting to ctb

I'm also a sex worker, hi!:)

Thanks for your reply. I really wish there was more knowledge out there so that it could be better understood. Because BPD ppl aren't necessarily bad ppl. I think she's got some greatness to her, her empathy is outstanding (just like many of you all to go out of your way and reply to me) but when she's in that dark place I don't know how to handle all the verbal and physical abuse that's directed straight at me

Also love how mental health professionals call me shit like 'basically untreatable', 'you will probably commit suicide anyway', 'we cant help you ,this doesnt respond to medication'
AND THEN I TRAVEL 380 KM TO A TREATMENT CENTER THAT REJECTS ME FROM THERAPY BECAUSE I ALSO HAVE BIPOLAR, THEREFORE I CAN NEVER GET BETTER

Because being aware my brain is a shitshow doesnt make me able to stop it from being a shitshow! I need skills to do that!

I'm sorry you have to experience that, I can't imagine how that would feel

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Thank you!! I appreciate you. I bought her a DBT workbook from amazon to try and get her to be able to work thru some of it (it was only like $20 too so you might want to try it out). Idk if the workbook is helping her or not, our last fight all she did was say how I go out of my way to buy her this but not to try and fully support her or learn about BPD myself . Idk it's like everything that goes wrong is somehow my fault.

BPD is a complex disorder, we feel a deep inner void that nothing can fill. I have been told many times that I am loved and appreciated, but I could never feel it or believe it. Lack of love and being emotionally neglected in childhood sets us up for a search of that fundamental form of love that is impossible to find in adulthood. We do care deeply about others, but we also split rather easily. It is not easy to live like that.

 

[Lilacmoon]

BPD is a complex disorder, we feel a deep inner void that nothing can fill. I have been told many times that I am loved and appreciated, but I could never feel it or believe it. Lack of love and being emotionally neglected in childhood sets us up for a search of that fundamental form of love that is impossible to find in adulthood. We do care deeply about others, but we also split rather easily. It is not easy to live like that.

Yeah, it's so hard to believe when people say that they love us when there's so much self hatred and emptiness that we can't even function. I don't want to hurt anyone, but my only options are to hurt others or myself. DBT helped teach me how to channel the emotions inwards so at the very least I can act normal, meanwhile I'm killing myself inside every day because I can't take it.

I hope DBT helps your GF more than it did me, OP.