Discussion bpd people here

[claraisnotcarol]

hey my fellow borderlines, or other curious people or sadly mental disordered diagnosed.
I have been going through a particular struggle recently. You see, my ex and I, broke up a couple years ago, even though our relationship is still very toxic, even if I have a boyfriend now.
She ended up blocking me like two months ago because she said she was still in love with me. Rationally, of course I understand that.
But this two months have been hell. The abandonment I ve been feeling have been eating me alive, relapsing in sh, trying to call her, do whatever it takes to get her attention, even if it's getting myself impatient. My sick mind really really wanna hurt her but I really love her, even though is contradicting.
I just wanted to take this of my chest.

 

[LonelyKitten]

I feel this so much. BPD here too.
Can't take abandonment at all.
I think I've even had something similar to you.

I always end up uncontrollably breaking myself and my life (and I mean this in *very* extreme ways, self harm included), and many unintended casualties along the way, just for the sake of whoever I end up idealizing, even though it always just ends up hurting them, too.
It can be an endless cycle, this BPD hell.
Therapy never helped, it's like it makes ctb sound genuinely rational!

I'm sorry to hear it's hitting you hard right now.
I hope that at the very least, your current relationship is healthier than the previous one.

 

[claraisnotcarol]

I feel this so much. BPD here too.
Can't take abandonment at all.
I think I've even had something similar to you.

I always end up uncontrollably breaking myself and my life (and I mean this in *very* extreme ways, self harm included), and many unintended casualties along the way, just for the sake of whoever I end up idealizing, even though it always just ends up hurting them, too.
It can be an endless cycle, this BPD hell.
Therapy never helped, it's like it makes ctb sound genuinely rational!

I'm sorry to hear it's hitting you hard right now.
I hope that at the very least, your current relationship is healthier than the previous one.

my current relationship is definetly healthier! but, you know, it's so hard to give up on people that you feel that rejected you, and as you say, in therapy it's s like "I know what I am supposed to do but how can I physically get rid of this feeling"
thanks for commenting, I feel you too <3

 

[LonelyKitten]

"I know what I am supposed to do but how can I physically get rid of this feeling"

I know right??
Personally, I usually struggle to know what I'm *supposed* to do, but it barely even matters - I usually know at least what I'm *NOT* supposed to do, but end up doing something harmful anyway.
The feelings just won't go away, and they have so much control over the external actions, no matter what logical thoughts or ideas you've got that could steer you toward something healthier :(

 

[claraisnotcarol]

I know right??
Personally, I usually struggle to know what I'm *supposed* to do, but it barely even matters - I usually know at least what I'm *NOT* supposed to do, but end up doing something harmful anyway.
The feelings just won't go away, and they have so much control over the external actions, no matter what logical thoughts or ideas you've got that could steer you toward something healthier :(

are you on meds? in my case I take a giant bunch of them and it's true that I have improved like a tiny bit but then I don't know if my body gets used to them or what and it's so annoying cause it's seems like it's the only way
also this have made me fall into a lot of addictions to cope :/

 

[LonelyKitten]

are you on meds? in my case I take a giant bunch of them and it's true that I have improved like a tiny bit but then I don't know if my body gets used to them or what and it's so annoying cause it's seems like it's the only way
also this have made me fall into a lot of addictions to cope :/

I've tried meds a lot of times, a lot of different kinds.
They don't really help me (and generally, from the info I know, BPD is more a therapy/behavior thing than medication anyway, so it tracks).
The only thing that gives me, and this is a bit unique tbf, some emotional stability are my hormones.
Prog at night helps me sleep in a good consistent rhythm, and the estrogen gives me a lot of energy and inner happiness.
It's also something where, if I know I have it, and get it consistently without issue, it sort of eases the abandonment feelings.
At least *that* is there for me, to sustain me, make me feel better, y'know?
Unlike psych meds it never builds a tolerance or has short- or long-term side effects.

I do still wonder if there are any meds or supplements or whatever that can help regulate/calm down, without addiction or tolerance build-up issues.

Yeahhh I have been very prone to addictions over time. It's bad.
Some less harmful than others, ranging from outright lethal to zero direct physical harm.
However, even the non(-physically) harming ones caused a lot of damage.
They eat up so much time, mental energy, and reinforce addictive tendencies, so they either don't let my life improve or downright let it deteriorate, you know?

 

[claraisnotcarol]

I've tried meds a lot of times, a lot of different kinds.
They don't really help me (and generally, from the info I know, BPD is more a therapy/behavior thing than medication anyway, so it tracks).
The only thing that gives me, and this is a bit unique tbf, some emotional stability are my hormones.
Prog at night helps me sleep in a good consistent rhythm, and the estrogen gives me a lot of energy and inner happiness.
It's also something where, if I know I have it, and get it consistently without issue, it sort of eases the abandonment feelings.
At least *that* is there for me, to sustain me, make me feel better, y'know?
Unlike psych meds it never builds a tolerance or has short- or long-term side effects.

I do still wonder if there are any meds or supplements or whatever that can help regulate/calm down, without addiction or tolerance build-up issues.

Yeahhh I have been very prone to addictions over time. It's bad.
Some less harmful than others, ranging from outright lethal to zero direct physical harm.
However, even the non(-physically) harming ones caused a lot of damage.
They eat up so much time, mental energy, and reinforce addictive tendencies, so they either don't let my life improve or downright let it deteriorate, you know?

well, at least I'm glad that you can have your "safe method" (sorry Ive never tried hormones so I don't really know how to put it) to calm down your anxiety that is not recurring to self harm or other dangerous behaviours
and with meds, it's exactly that! I was so addicted to Xanax for a long time, in fact I'm still kinda relapsing once in a while, and it's an easy access since I have them prescripted