newby here - taking the opportunity to vent since I can't really say it out loud to my friends/ family - luckily for them they don't understand how I feel but the double edge of that is I can't tell them either.
I have BPD. I have been 'living' with it since a young teenager. Major childhood trauma I guess is the cause. Many failed attempts, SH, destructive behaviour….
And now as a 37yo adult I am even more done with it than ever before.
I am exhausted mentally, I feel physically drained because of the energy I have to use just to stay alive.
All I hear is how I'm an anomaly- that in spite of my MH I have a good career, so many amazing friends who care deeply and how my SU thoughts are selfish because what about all the people I will leave behind grieving me.
It angers me. Why should I continue to live in pain just because it will upset others. Why is their grief trumping mine? Why should I continue to be here to make their lives easier? They will get over it in time but I will never get over this constant mental anguish I am in.
I have told them so many times I won't be here by my 40th birthday.
They know how I feel, they know how I struggle but do they check in on me? Do they spend time with me? Do they just be there for the sake of it? No.
But my loss to them would be huge.
I posted on my insta story, a meme saying I am ready for a serial killer to come get me. So many laugh reactions.
Guys I'm not even kidding.
I am done.
I have a book to with my methods and plans all written in. I won't be here, ideally by the end of this year.
But I'm trying to make sure my plans are fail safe. After so many failed attempts I can't fail again.
In an ideal world I'd fall asleep and never wake up but I know the chances of that are slim. I'm ok with pain even just for a few mins if it is a sure way to be gone.
I'm in the UK, so certain things are impossible here. And I see all these memorial posts about people who have successfully completed and I get jealous. Like how have they sussed it out and I can't??
I'm just done.
I have BPD. I have been 'living' with it since a young teenager. Major childhood trauma I guess is the cause. Many failed attempts, SH, destructive behaviour….
And now as a 37yo adult I am even more done with it than ever before.
I am exhausted mentally, I feel physically drained because of the energy I have to use just to stay alive.
All I hear is how I'm an anomaly- that in spite of my MH I have a good career, so many amazing friends who care deeply and how my SU thoughts are selfish because what about all the people I will leave behind grieving me.
It angers me. Why should I continue to live in pain just because it will upset others. Why is their grief trumping mine? Why should I continue to be here to make their lives easier? They will get over it in time but I will never get over this constant mental anguish I am in.
I have told them so many times I won't be here by my 40th birthday.
They know how I feel, they know how I struggle but do they check in on me? Do they spend time with me? Do they just be there for the sake of it? No.
But my loss to them would be huge.
I posted on my insta story, a meme saying I am ready for a serial killer to come get me. So many laugh reactions.
Guys I'm not even kidding.
I am done.
I have a book to with my methods and plans all written in. I won't be here, ideally by the end of this year.
But I'm trying to make sure my plans are fail safe. After so many failed attempts I can't fail again.
In an ideal world I'd fall asleep and never wake up but I know the chances of that are slim. I'm ok with pain even just for a few mins if it is a sure way to be gone.
I'm in the UK, so certain things are impossible here. And I see all these memorial posts about people who have successfully completed and I get jealous. Like how have they sussed it out and I can't??
I'm just done.
I'm sorry we are in this space - peace would be the dream all around.
