I understand the sheer intensity of the pain you're living with as I suffer from bpd as well. It is THE worst condition to live with, and that's coming from a person riddled with autism, anxiety, bipolar, chronic depression, seasonal affective disorder, PTSD and panic attacks... Bpd is phenomenally worst, the cherry on the shitcake.
I offer you empathy and hugs from afar. I don't know if it helps at all, but I've learned the only way to deal with it without it driving others away is to counterintuitively distance yourself from those you care about. Attachment causes suffering and dependence on others to validate your existence is a road to ruin.
Nihilism as a philosophy is my coping method. I suppress and internalise the emotional storm when I can because there is no benefit in sharing it with others and impacting their mental health too. I swallow my pain and rage, because in the end it doesn't matter about me, people have their own suffering to cope with, and in time, I will lose everyone and everything.
I've had my worldview shattered too many times to trust in humanity anymore. It is pointless and meaningless, objectively, to share the pain inside. Family are failing you to your face or behind your back, you have no nurturer, your partner only loves you as much as you can give them pleasure and cannot hold your pain for you, your friends are only there superficially and as soon as it comes to sacrificing anything significant for you, they will leave. It's not their fault. Everyone is struggling to live in an indifferently cruel reality. Don't bring conflict to them, to their worldview and to their struggle for peace and joy. Just accept that would be careless.
Turn inward and swallow the pain, it does nothing good to share it with the world. I know how hard it is. You always have the forum to vent to. People here understand.
