Venting BPD has isolated me and I am hopeless.

[Pg.964]

The pain that I feel from this disorder causes me to dissociate for very long periods of time to avoid the awful emotions that come along with it. People drift away from me and I try to cope and tell myself I'm strong enough (maybe it's an ego thing) but I know the truth is that i want all the nice emotions other people feel, i cant be alone forever. All the traumas come rushing in all at once.
My partner is going to break it off with me tomorrow, and I'm bracing for the pain. I had to take a lot of kpins to try and control this. But I can already feel as if pieces of my body are being stretched and torn. It's a brutal cycle it feels like autocannibalism.
I'm terrified of myself.

 

[thelazyegg]

I'm really sorry you are in so much pain and are suffering. I hope that the worst outcome you're imagining for tomorrow doesn't happen. I haven't been officially diagnosed with BPD (I am autistic, which gets misdiagnosed as BPD in women and it was always listed as a diagnosis I "might" have on my chart throughout my life), but I can relate to the isolation and struggle with relationships. Ever since I have felt more serious about CTB, it's made it even harder to maintain any relationships and I've isolated a lot. I was alone on my birthday and it was absolutely brutal, especially since it was a Saturday so there was no excuse to have nothing.

I literally felt when you said "stretched and torn" and "autocannibalism". That's similar to how I feel a lot. It's like existence is truly agonizing and the social stuff kicks it into infinity times the pain and you are stuck in the hell of your mind and even if you can see you are there, you can't get yourself out like people act like it's possible. It's like hell became my home, and I hate it everyday.