I'm terrified of what's happened to me.
I know BPD/ NPD exist on a spectrum so I'm pretty much 100% certain I am experiencing a total collapse. It feels like suicide is the only option and I'm so scared to die.
It's impossible to explain but a very specific circumstance occurred in my life and I am now completely unable to recover. I cannot function at all. For 6 months I've been unable to wash, eat, work or look after myself at all.
Previously I was a full time teacher and masters student. I have never not worked since I was 16. In 26 now.
The only why I can explain it is I suddenly saw my life and everything I've ever done with this unbearable clarity. It revealed to me who I was. This dysfunctional woman who relies completely on external validation in order to have a will to live. Something happened that meant I lost EVERYTHING. The way everyone viewed me switched, because I split on myself and started to over share all these overwhelming realisations.
I left my job, my uni, I moved back home and now my narcissistic mum has all my stuff and control over me. Being there reminded me of how I was created to be like this by her. I left and now the only person I have is my toxic ex but he hates me too.
I don't know how to put it into words. I have no way out. I feel that suicide really is the only option or I will end up in a hospital permanently. Because I cannot function at all. My brain doesn't work anymore. I can't make decisions and all I feel is total apathy. I feel I am already dead. The doctors don't understand what's happened to me. I know exactly what it is but explaining it is so hard because no one can comprehend why a certain thing happening to someone like me would destroy me so completely. To an outsider it looks like I've just randomly gone insane.
I'm scared of death. I'm terrified I will never recover from this. Please has anyone gone through anything like this.
I know BPD/ NPD exist on a spectrum so I'm pretty much 100% certain I am experiencing a total collapse. It feels like suicide is the only option and I'm so scared to die.
It's impossible to explain but a very specific circumstance occurred in my life and I am now completely unable to recover. I cannot function at all. For 6 months I've been unable to wash, eat, work or look after myself at all.
Previously I was a full time teacher and masters student. I have never not worked since I was 16. In 26 now.
The only why I can explain it is I suddenly saw my life and everything I've ever done with this unbearable clarity. It revealed to me who I was. This dysfunctional woman who relies completely on external validation in order to have a will to live. Something happened that meant I lost EVERYTHING. The way everyone viewed me switched, because I split on myself and started to over share all these overwhelming realisations.
I left my job, my uni, I moved back home and now my narcissistic mum has all my stuff and control over me. Being there reminded me of how I was created to be like this by her. I left and now the only person I have is my toxic ex but he hates me too.
I don't know how to put it into words. I have no way out. I feel that suicide really is the only option or I will end up in a hospital permanently. Because I cannot function at all. My brain doesn't work anymore. I can't make decisions and all I feel is total apathy. I feel I am already dead. The doctors don't understand what's happened to me. I know exactly what it is but explaining it is so hard because no one can comprehend why a certain thing happening to someone like me would destroy me so completely. To an outsider it looks like I've just randomly gone insane.
I'm scared of death. I'm terrified I will never recover from this. Please has anyone gone through anything like this.
