born to suffer

[glowing.purple.aura]

For so long I thought that I was someone who was "meant to kill themself" but I've realized by now that, no, I don't even get to ever experience the peace that comes from ending my own life—why would I be able to?

Instead of being "born to CTB" I'm "born to continuously suffer for the rest of my life, never being able to access the right method or overcome the fear/hesitation."

My safety net has always been "This won't matter when I kill myself" and now I actually have to process the bad shit that happens to me (which is so scary because I KNOW that my life will just get worse and worse)

What I also know is that once I FINALLY die of natural causes, everyone in my life will be like "See, he never actually ended up going through with it so his life must've not been that bad."

 

[Greasyhair]

This is my nightmare as well though I think eventually I will be in such horrible situation that I will be pushed to it.

...What I also know is that once I FINALLY die of natural causes, everyone in my life will be like "See, he never actually ended up going through with it so his life must've not been that bad."

If you allow me to push back just a little bit this might be your inner demon speaking.