Method Boosting H

[rikiyanai]

I think I will do it this week, I am trying to fast as long as possible but I have around 1.5 grams of H, a full bottle of Benadryl and diphenhydramine, and a bottle of vodka. I have a plastic sheet laid out next to my front door, and I am cleaning as much as I can so it's easier for the people that find me. I will also wear long sleeves and have my face covered and I will put lots of cologne to mask the smell as much as possible. I have all my documents and IDs organized so they don't have to spend time rummaging through my stuff to find it. I am a male 22 going 23, I have tried CTB before in middle school but was saved and I was in a coma a few days. One moment I was losing consciousness and the next Second I woke up to a Fluorescent ceiling days later. I have struggled with bulimia for a long time, around 10 years now and I am getting sick of it honestly. I have been on SSRI and Vyvanse 60mg since high school and it makes me feel like a drug addict. People keep telling me things will get better but it hasn't, I'm just getting older and sicker and I just watched my youngest brother get into a very prestigious school, and my younger sister is in an Ivy League school. I hate going to family events because it's clear I'm the screw up, I go to community college and I took a gap year. In addition I'm the only one that struggled with food and mental issues etc, and I was never close to my siblings growing up either. I'm just the worthless addict brother that's never been able to get it together. It's getting pretty unbearable and suffocating. All these years CTB has been my only consolation getting through the nights that seemed hopeless and now I'm going to do it, finally, the one thing I always wanted to to do. It's the only way I can really respect myself if you can even call it that. I've had an easy life, I am not disabled(except for an ADHD diagnosis) and I always had food and my mother was kind and loving. I was bullied and some SA stuff happened in middle school but it's not worth diving into as it could have been so much worse. The point is my future is bleak and there's nothing there. And on top of that I hate having to watch everyone I grew up with and the ones that were younger continue to grow and flourish while I continue to flounder in my own pathetic excuse I call my life. It's unacceptable and I either can't or am not willing to change for the better. . I will miss my mother very much, it breaks my heart that I will no longer be able to talk to her when I am gone, and I will be betraying her love and all the work she has done to raise me and I know what I am doing to her. But love is not enough. I am a loser and there's no denying it. I have been trying to focus on day to day improvements but from what I hear all the time from other groups and stuff is that these. Addictions are a life long thing, and surrender means I must accept that. I will not, I'd rather die than live the rest of my life in this pos brain. My mom will get over it in a year or two, and she will realize how much better her life has become without my burden. Goodbye everyone.