Venting Body dysmorphia makes me want to kill myself

[don't look at me]

I was first diagnosed with BDD when I was 19, while attending university; though I was exhibiting symptoms from around 15/16. I am now in my mid-20s and basically live as a recluse.

I alternate between being unable to look at my reflection in a mirror to obsessively taking mirror selfies, for hours at a time and analyzing them in detail. I actually went over 2 years without looking once at my refection, which is insane; I would even shave with my eyes closed and would keep my head down and refuse to look at myself when getting my haircut. I have thrown up a few times at the mere sight of my reflection.

I'm certainly on the extreme end of the scale, and I have pretty bad OCD as well, which is a contributing factor: these thoughts which torment and traumatize me, that I am ugly and weird looking, are obsessive and intrusive. As alluded to above, I am afraid of going to the hairdressers. It's been 9 months and counting since my last haircut. My grandfather died at the beginning of last year, and i actually refused to attend his funeral because i was too scared to be seen in public wearing a suit. Many in my family haven't forgiven me for that, and i don't blame them.

There are a few more 'symptoms' or habits of BDD which would be too difficult to describe or explain.

My relationship with my parents is pretty much destroyed because I blame them for the way I look - which to me seems logical. My parents are very attractive, as are my two younger siblings, which only makes it worse because i think that im like the black sheep of the family. My mum is beautiful, and i look a lot liker her, but she is quite unique looking, with certain features which don't look good on me as a male.

Speaking objectively, I know I am not actually 'ugly', and probably quite attractive (then again i feel almost compelled to say that because I dont want anyone reading this to think I am ugly lol) but i just hate the way i look, hate my face, my head shape, my bone structure. I fucking hate it when my parents or anyone else says it's just my mental illness, and that I should see a psychiatrist. I HATE THE WAY I LOOK - even if everyone else finds me attractive or cute, that is irrelevant to me, I DONT WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS. Is there anyone else who understands that? i honestly dont know how else to explain it; there are certain facial features which I despise, and which i want to have 'fixed' through facial surgery. It's an avenue I am seriously considering, and have been up to London to see a specialist surgeon.

This has ruined my life. I am so filled with spite and jealousy towards those who i consider attractive, and bitterness towards my parents and myself. I have maybe a couple of close friends, but they don't live in the UK, so I am completely alone. I often feel suicidal.

Im not sure why i wrote this, or what i want. Nobody can help me.

This isn't well written sorry, I'm just venting. I'm not in a good place right now.

 

[sadjenny]

I sympathize, friend! I have all the mirrors in my home covered and make deliberate efforts to avoid even catching the smallest glimpse of myself in a shiny surface, ie a car. Seeing what I look like can ruin my day.

I'm objectively ugly. Though people often tell me I'm beautiful or stunning. So I suppose that's BDD talking. But I don't care. There's no escape from it. I have never in my life taken a voluntary photo of myself. I know there are two kinds of BDD. The sort where you are compelled to look at yourself obsessively and rip apart every aspect of you. And mine, where you avoid it entirely.

If surgery will bring you even a moment's relief, go for it. You might as well, especially if you're at a place where you feel suicidal. Life is short, for some of us more so. Might as well give it your best shot, right?

 

[don't look at me]

I sympathize, friend! I have all the mirrors in my home covered and make deliberate efforts to avoid even catching the smallest glimpse of myself in a shiny surface, ie a car. Seeing what I look like can ruin my day.

I'm objectively ugly. Though people often tell me I'm beautiful or stunning. So I suppose that's BDD talking. But I don't care. There's no escape from it. I have never in my life taken a voluntary photo of myself. I know there are two kinds of BDD. The sort where you are compelled to look at yourself obsessively and rip apart every aspect of you. And mine, where you avoid it entirely.

If surgery will bring you even a moment's relief, go for it. You might as well, especially if you're at a place where you feel suicidal. Life is short, for some of us more so. Might as well give it your best shot, right?

Hey. Thank you. And yes, i cover up all my mirrors with towels normally, and make a conscious effort to avoid my reflection in shop windows, sides of cars etc.

I'm just considering surgery, but I don't know, there are risks involved.

 

[sadjenny]

I hear you. I'm listening. And even if you have surgery, there's no telling if your mind will at last be happy, right?

Imagine if we lived in a fantasy world, where we could pick and choose each feature of our body as easy as changing a shirt. I would love that.

 

[Looking]

Fuck, I relate to this post so much. I struggle with extreme ends of BDD as well.

I always wonder if I actually have BDD, or if I just have an obsession of self hating myself. I feel like BDD is known for making it impossible to actually see yourself, but I'm pretty aware I'm ugly. Like, is it an illness if it's true? Lmao. Is it a distortion if it's actually how my face looks? And so on. My doctors and therapists say that what I'm describing is not reality, but it's really hard to know for sure. I have eyes, and I feel the concept of I can't trust them for just my appearance alone is a bit odd. I think BDD exists and the distortion others deal with is 100% real, but I don't know if it's my case. Feels like I'm being gaslit sometimes.

I've never been able to take photos of myself like that. I've been trying to take more for the people I care about, but it kills me every time, and makes me suicidal every. single. time. But BDD is a type of OCD from my understanding, so the obsession and the avoidance makes a lot of sense.

Photos of happy memories are "ruined" because I'm in them, and I feel terrible for people who have the displeasure of looking at me. I've wanted surgery of all kinds, but I just can't afford it. So I feel like I'm "forcing" people to look at my ugly face.

People tell me that I'm attractive to some degree they deem as so. I'm not, really. The only people who have ever said that to me is my family and my parnter. They do it out of pity, and they do it because they want to see me happier, not because it's based in any kind of truth.

The intrusive thoughts take up all of my thoughts - All day, every day. I think about it in my sleep, I think about it just existing. I can't escape it. I go out in public, I compare myself to everyone else. I compare myself to everyone on social media, and I compare myself to my friends.

I have no desire to look "good"... I just want to look normal. It's all I want, is to not be so ugly that I'm just... normal.

I've always told people the honesty of my emotions, and they always looked horrified at what I'm describing. They say I'm not the monster I'm saying that I am, but that never has made me feel better. I always felt alone in how I felt, because even with BDD treatment, I couldn't find someone I related to. I joined the BDD forums, and websites, and support groups - I've done the workbooks and I've done the therapy. I've done every self-treatment I could possibly do and I've done everything my therapists have ever suggested, and I just haven't gotten better. I don't want to feel this way, and I'm not dismissive of any kind of treatment for it. I think it's all valid in some kind of form, it just never has worked for me. And it sucks, so so so badly.

Sorry for the rants about myself on a post about you. I just haven't found people who related to me in this manner, and I just have to share my POV.

 

[don't look at me]

Fuck, I relate to this post so much. I struggle with extreme ends of BDD as well.

I always wonder if I actually have BDD, or if I just have an obsession of self hating myself. I feel like BDD is known for making it impossible to actually see yourself, but I'm pretty aware I'm ugly. Like, is it an illness if it's true? Lmao. Is it a distortion if it's actually how my face looks? And so on. My doctors and therapists say that what I'm describing is not reality, but it's really hard to know for sure. I have eyes, and I feel the concept of I can't trust them for just my appearance alone is a bit odd. I think BDD exists and the distortion others deal with is 100% real, but I don't know if it's my case. Feels like I'm being gaslit sometimes.

I've never been able to take photos of myself like that. I've been trying to take more for the people I care about, but it kills me every time, and makes me suicidal every. single. time. But BDD is a type of OCD from my understanding, so the obsession and the avoidance makes a lot of sense.

Photos of happy memories are "ruined" because I'm in them, and I feel terrible for people who have the displeasure of looking at me. I've wanted surgery of all kinds, but I just can't afford it. So I feel like I'm "forcing" people to look at my ugly face.

People tell me that I'm attractive to some degree they deem as so. I'm not, really. The only people who have ever said that to me is my family and my parnter. They do it out of pity, and they do it because they want to see me happier, not because it's based in any kind of truth.

The intrusive thoughts take up all of my thoughts - All day, every day. I think about it in my sleep, I think about it just existing. I can't escape it. I go out in public, I compare myself to everyone else. I compare myself to everyone on social media, and I compare myself to my friends.

I have no desire to look "good"... I just want to look normal. It's all I want, is to not be so ugly that I'm just... normal.

I've always told people the honesty of my emotions, and they always looked horrified at what I'm describing. They say I'm not the monster I'm saying that I am, but that never has made me feel better. I always felt alone in how I felt, because even with BDD treatment, I couldn't find someone I related to. I joined the BDD forums, and websites, and support groups - I've done the workbooks and I've done the therapy. I've done every self-treatment I could possibly do and I've done everything my therapists have ever suggested, and I just haven't gotten better. I don't want to feel this way, and I'm not dismissive of any kind of treatment for it. I think it's all valid in some kind of form, it just never has worked for me. And it sucks, so so so badly.

Sorry for the rants about myself on a post about you. I just haven't found people who related to me in this manner, and I just have to share my POV.

Hey. This is exactly how I feel, all of it. Dont apoligize, its not about me - im glad i could meet a few people who share this existence.

Honestly, the only reason I feel comfortable saying that I have BDD is because I have all of the symptoms, but I actually do feel, deep down, that I don't really have a mental illness - I just have a true perception of what i look like.

I know exactly what you mean by just wanting to look 'normal' - that's all.

And yes, these thoughts literally torment me every fucking moment of the day; as you do, i compulsively compare myself with everyone i meet in public, which is so mentally draining

I hear you. I'm listening. And even if you have surgery, there's no telling if your mind will at last be happy, right?

Imagine if we lived in a fantasy world, where we could pick and choose each feature of our body as easy as changing a shirt. I would love that.

I have had that fantasy many times

 

[Rocinante]

I also have to avoid mirrors and reflections, I've also covered the cameras on my phone. Do you also have nightmares about your appearance changing?

 

[Looking]

Honestly, the only reason I feel comfortable saying that I have BDD is because I have all of the symptoms, but I actually do feel, deep down, that I don't really have a mental illness - I just have a true perception of what i look like.

Also how I feel. I also just feel like it's easier for others to understand when you say you have BDD, and I don't need to explain that much further into my situation after I say that.

And yes, these thoughts literally torment me every fucking moment of the day; as you do, i compulsively compare myself with everyone i meet in public, which is so mentally draining

Yeah, it really is. I feel bad that I can never fully enjoy any moment, especially ones with my friends or family, because I'm just thinking about how ugly I am.

I also have to avoid mirrors and reflections, I've also covered the cameras on my phone. Do you also have nightmares about your appearance changing?

I also cover the cameras of anything as well. What do you mean by nightmares?

---

Side rant: I think the most messed up part, on my end at least, is I know I'm ugly but I don't do shit about it. If I hate myself because I'm fat, I could lose weight. If I hate myself because my skin looks bad, I could get some products to repair it a bit. If I'm self conscious about my teeth, I could go to a dentist. You know what I do, though? Sit at home, doing nothing. I feel guilty because of it, too. It's like the shame of knowing all of your problems and the solutions to them, but being too exhausted mentally do actually do the thing.

 

[don't look at me]

Also how I feel. I also just feel like it's easier for others to understand when you say you have BDD, and I don't need to explain that much further into my situation after I say that.


Yeah, it really is. I feel bad that I can never fully enjoy any moment, especially ones with my friends or family, because I'm just thinking about how ugly I am.


I also cover the cameras of anything as well. What do you mean by nightmares?

---

Side rant: I think the most messed up part, on my end at least, is I know I'm ugly but I don't do shit about it. If I hate myself because I'm fat, I could lose weight. If I hate myself because my skin looks bad, I could get some products to repair it a bit. If I'm self conscious about my teeth, I could go to a dentist. You know what I do, though? Sit at home, doing nothing. I feel guilty because of it, too. It's like the shame of knowing all of your problems and the solutions to them, but being too exhausted mentally do actually do the thing.

Yep. I'm very slim, and have always been self-conscious about that. In fact, even before I started to obsess over my face, I would obsess over how skinny i was. I still avoid going outside if it's warm, as there is no way I will just wear a t-shirt. In the winter, I can wrap up in a big jacket.

But i have never been to a gym, or seriously attempted to put on muscle. I have no reasonable excuses, and I just hate myself even more for not even trying. I just sit in my small flat by myself and feel sorry for myself

 

[Aya&Dazy]

I feel you, I have very flat on the back of my head. You can put a cup on it without falling. I blame it to my parents. This won't happen if they care enough. My mom said I cried a LOT and very very difficult when I was a baby. I assumed I was too much to handle and they just left me laying and cry for hours and hours to make my head this flat. The worst part is nothing can change the shape of your head. I really angry at them and that's one of the big reason I wanna ctb. I hate myself in the mirror but I staring the mirror a lot each day just to find what to make it looks better. And I am the black cheep too, my sisters both tall and pretty, but me short and weird, skinny with big flat head.

I agree with consulting the specialist surgeon and do a lot of research. I have done plastic surgeries too but I wish I do more research. Tell them exactly what you really want so you don't have to do it again and again. Pay a little more the good doctor.

 

[Rocinante]

Also how I feel. I also just feel like it's easier for others to understand when you say you have BDD, and I don't need to explain that much further into my situation after I say that.


Yeah, it really is. I feel bad that I can never fully enjoy any moment, especially ones with my friends or family, because I'm just thinking about how ugly I am.


I also cover the cameras of anything as well. What do you mean by nightmares?

---

Side rant: I think the most messed up part, on my end at least, is I know I'm ugly but I don't do shit about it. If I hate myself because I'm fat, I could lose weight. If I hate myself because my skin looks bad, I could get some products to repair it a bit. If I'm self conscious about my teeth, I could go to a dentist. You know what I do, though? Sit at home, doing nothing. I feel guilty because of it, too. It's like the shame of knowing all of your problems and the solutions to them, but being too exhausted mentally do actually do the thing.

Does anyone else have nightmares about their appearance changing?

And then when I wake up I will think I look different so I’ll keep checking in the mirror and touching my face, or I’ll ask my relatives if I look different. I started wearing a face mask again incase it actually is different so no one will point at me and laugh. I also avoid think about or...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[don't look at me]

Does anyone else have nightmares about their appearance changing?

And then when I wake up I will think I look different so I’ll keep checking in the mirror and touching my face, or I’ll ask my relatives if I look different. I started wearing a face mask again incase it actually is different so no one will point at me and laugh. I also avoid think about or...

sanctioned-suicide.net

That's interesting. I've honestly never had that happen to me before, though I have had bdd related dreams