2025/09/28 - INTRODUCTION
Hello, I'm BitterToad.
I'm 32 years old and an atheist. I have autism, borderline personality disorder, complex PTSD, anxiety, and depression, all rooted in trauma. Physically, I have PCOS.
I live in a constant state of fear and psychological instability. This causes significant dysfunction and makes it difficult for me to maintain relationships.
I've been in and out of professional care since I was four, when my mental illness first became visible. I've seen many providers with differing ideologies and taken medication intermittently. Therapy and medication are expensive, and neither has helped. Therapists often dislike me and eventually withdraw, or take issue with my existential philosophy on religious grounds.
The medication combinations I've tried haven't improved anything; they only leave me feeling drugged. Social interaction is hard for me, and combined with my learning difficulties it has the biggest impact on my ability to function in society. I know a handful of people but have no one close.
I'm unable to connect with other people. It has only happened once, and even then my dysfunction and instability contributed to that person's own mental illness despite my daily efforts to improve. Most people don't enjoy being around me, and — apart from that one person — I don't enjoy being around them either. That person is gone now as well. Either people make me sick, or I make them sick. I am very sick and exhausted myself.
This year I got my first fixed‑salary, long‑term job. It's not enough to live on, so I live with my parents. I lack marketable experience and skills, and I struggle to learn. I am a burden. At 32, I don't see myself achieving financial stability or functional independence, though I'm still trying. I'm not stupid, but I am socially different in a way that people prefer to avoid and I am very slow.
My life is extremely isolated and painful. I have been trying various methods to correct it for decades.
I have an exit plan. It's still in development, running parallel to a survival plan in case I can't overcome my fear of strangulation. After the departure of this last person, I know that I will never have family. It is the most stable my life as ever been but I was still unstable, depressed and suicidal. Trying to maintain a home and family with that person was the first experience in my life that felt meaningful. It was the first thing that lessened the pain, and it was not sustainable.
I know that even if I manage to figure out some kind of survivable work situation it is probable that I will remain isolated.
I'm researching my options. I understand there are alternatives, but from what I've gathered, full suspension hanging is the fastest and simplest method when firearms or explosives aren't accessible.
My target is Christmas 2025. Ideally, it would be instant, but I'd settle for under a minute. I don't want to endure another Christmas without that person, without the home and family we built. But I don't know if I'll be able to follow through when the time comes. My mental and emotional state fluctuates constantly, but the desire to die never disappears. I'm not stupid, I can see the probability of certain patterns ahead, I know I have to die if I want to avoid those patterns. What holds me back specifically is the fear of pain.
I've made various attempts since I was 16. Some were more planned than others, some were in crisis. I want to be sure my next one is doable for me, quick and fatal.
I don't expect people here to help or encourage me, I just want a space to document and say into the world what's going on inside my head without being filtered out or banned for it involving suicide and violent thoughts. I know this is not a journal site, but there are no other sites that will let me document this process like this.
I don't fully understand why documentation matters to me. Maybe it's because I don't want to vanish quietly in a dark corner, even if that is realistic. That doesn't mean I want a attention either - I don't like that. I just want a document of my experience. I will likely just make my posts and not interact with others much.
I want it recorded that I existed and wasn't evil, even if it seemed like it. I want it to be recorded somewhere that I tried my best, that it was or wasn't enough, and that life isn't a happy fairytale or martyr tragedy, and we don't have to run away from that. Sometimes hard work isn't enough, we need to live in the truth of reality, that our lives are probability patterns not neat narratives, and most of them are very bad. I think if we want real systemic change we need to seek truth and act within truth, even when our bodies or minds are terrified or unwilling.
I tried my best and I found a few rare beautiful things even though I was in constant pain. But I am exhausted and I can see the probability of change is very small, and even if I do change and survive I will remain isolated, depressed and in pain. I don't want to live just because I'm scared of the pain or discomfort of death - although that is what I'm currently doing. I don't want to do that for long. I want to be brave enough to leave with as much dignity as I can afford myself, or find a way to live that is truly meaningful and worth the pain.
Hello, I'm BitterToad.
I'm 32 years old and an atheist. I have autism, borderline personality disorder, complex PTSD, anxiety, and depression, all rooted in trauma. Physically, I have PCOS.
I live in a constant state of fear and psychological instability. This causes significant dysfunction and makes it difficult for me to maintain relationships.
I've been in and out of professional care since I was four, when my mental illness first became visible. I've seen many providers with differing ideologies and taken medication intermittently. Therapy and medication are expensive, and neither has helped. Therapists often dislike me and eventually withdraw, or take issue with my existential philosophy on religious grounds.
The medication combinations I've tried haven't improved anything; they only leave me feeling drugged. Social interaction is hard for me, and combined with my learning difficulties it has the biggest impact on my ability to function in society. I know a handful of people but have no one close.
I'm unable to connect with other people. It has only happened once, and even then my dysfunction and instability contributed to that person's own mental illness despite my daily efforts to improve. Most people don't enjoy being around me, and — apart from that one person — I don't enjoy being around them either. That person is gone now as well. Either people make me sick, or I make them sick. I am very sick and exhausted myself.
This year I got my first fixed‑salary, long‑term job. It's not enough to live on, so I live with my parents. I lack marketable experience and skills, and I struggle to learn. I am a burden. At 32, I don't see myself achieving financial stability or functional independence, though I'm still trying. I'm not stupid, but I am socially different in a way that people prefer to avoid and I am very slow.
My life is extremely isolated and painful. I have been trying various methods to correct it for decades.
I have an exit plan. It's still in development, running parallel to a survival plan in case I can't overcome my fear of strangulation. After the departure of this last person, I know that I will never have family. It is the most stable my life as ever been but I was still unstable, depressed and suicidal. Trying to maintain a home and family with that person was the first experience in my life that felt meaningful. It was the first thing that lessened the pain, and it was not sustainable.
I know that even if I manage to figure out some kind of survivable work situation it is probable that I will remain isolated.
I'm researching my options. I understand there are alternatives, but from what I've gathered, full suspension hanging is the fastest and simplest method when firearms or explosives aren't accessible.
My target is Christmas 2025. Ideally, it would be instant, but I'd settle for under a minute. I don't want to endure another Christmas without that person, without the home and family we built. But I don't know if I'll be able to follow through when the time comes. My mental and emotional state fluctuates constantly, but the desire to die never disappears. I'm not stupid, I can see the probability of certain patterns ahead, I know I have to die if I want to avoid those patterns. What holds me back specifically is the fear of pain.
I've made various attempts since I was 16. Some were more planned than others, some were in crisis. I want to be sure my next one is doable for me, quick and fatal.
I don't expect people here to help or encourage me, I just want a space to document and say into the world what's going on inside my head without being filtered out or banned for it involving suicide and violent thoughts. I know this is not a journal site, but there are no other sites that will let me document this process like this.
I don't fully understand why documentation matters to me. Maybe it's because I don't want to vanish quietly in a dark corner, even if that is realistic. That doesn't mean I want a attention either - I don't like that. I just want a document of my experience. I will likely just make my posts and not interact with others much.
I want it recorded that I existed and wasn't evil, even if it seemed like it. I want it to be recorded somewhere that I tried my best, that it was or wasn't enough, and that life isn't a happy fairytale or martyr tragedy, and we don't have to run away from that. Sometimes hard work isn't enough, we need to live in the truth of reality, that our lives are probability patterns not neat narratives, and most of them are very bad. I think if we want real systemic change we need to seek truth and act within truth, even when our bodies or minds are terrified or unwilling.
I tried my best and I found a few rare beautiful things even though I was in constant pain. But I am exhausted and I can see the probability of change is very small, and even if I do change and survive I will remain isolated, depressed and in pain. I don't want to live just because I'm scared of the pain or discomfort of death - although that is what I'm currently doing. I don't want to do that for long. I want to be brave enough to leave with as much dignity as I can afford myself, or find a way to live that is truly meaningful and worth the pain.
