Venting Bitching

[Maroon]

Annoying whining that friends would hear if I had them; to be ignored

I feel trapped alive. So I smoke more and more weed, I started smoking cigarettes, I drink whatever alcohol I can get, I abuse prescriptions. I practically pray for me heart to stop. Drugs used to keep me happy but I think I'm truly done with life now. All I want out of life is to be high, and now even when I'm high living doesn't feel worth it. Why does it have to be so hard to find a quick and mostly painless method? I thought I had a method in having had a benzodiazepine prescribed to me a while ago, but it turns out they aren't really strong enough for such things. I tried partial hanging, but it turns out I was born with an anatomy that prevents me from doing so. I took some benzos and walked to the train track near my house to put my neck on the tracks, only to find it blocked by a stationary section of train. I've wanted a gun for years now for a quick and for-sure death, but of course, as soon as I came of age to get a job in my area, I started having problems talking to people. A few years later and I've still never had a job, and rarely leave the house. I lie and tell the few people I know I need to borrow some money for some things(I really want a gun), but no one has jack shit to lend me. All I want is to fucking go. I'm so done. I want more than anything to secure an interview and by some miracle get a job. I'd be gone as soon as I made enough to purchase the cheapest shotgun in my area. Or enough money for any quick death really. I'm so damn tired of thinking the same suicidal thoughts. I hate myself for being too much a pussy to try a more painful method. I've got a court date coming up that puts a time limit on things, which sucks ass because I'd love to go by then, but now is when it's going to be the hardest to get money from anyone because of debts and shit. I lost my only way to cope and I can't wait to die any longer but I have to. There's nothing I hate more than empty time. Any help with coping until I can get the money or with other methods to go quickly?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Only method I can think of is full suspension hanging.

For coping, exercise even if you hate it. Find a video. If you can't do it all the way through, you can improve by continuing to do it. It's a good time killer.

Do you happen to have an anterior pelvic tilt (swayback, lower back) or forward head posture? I ask because I have both, have been doing simple daily exercises for them, and within a month was seeing visible improvement and experiencing significantly less lower back, shoulder and neck pain. It gave me something to do when I was bored, and I enjoyed getting noticeable benefit out of something I worked for. After two and a half months, my body looks different. The lifelong hump on my upper back has gone way down. So maybe if you have some kind of physical issue that physical therapy exercises would work for, you can do them. Kills time, brings a sense of accomplishment and capability. Doing the research to find methods is also a good time killer.

Journaling is a good time killer. You can write about anything. You can write about an object. Anything. Doesn't have to be delving into the depths of anything. Pick a random word or sentence from a thread and do a free write about it.

Those are my suggestions.

 

[Maroon]

When I man up about the pain I think I'll try full suspension if I can't find a place to do long-drop. I've started exercising but I stuggle to get more than one or two sessions in per week because I try not to work out when I have drugs to do, in fear of rhabdomyolysis. Sometimes exercise helps me mentally but sometimes I still feel bad, so it's kinda iffy for me as a coping mechanism. I will certainly try journaling next time I need something to do though, thank you for the suggestion.