Venting Birthday mental breakdown!!! I wrote this while my friend was asking me about whether i was okay and i lied to her face (not the same as one in post.)

[SorrowSolution_25]

I've kinda lurked for a bit after watching tantacrul's video, it wasn't very hard to find this site. Came here expecting to be angry, just was kinda sad. He portrays the people here like conniving people attempting to do as much harm as possible, but all i see are sad, hurt, and vulnerable people. I'm not doing well, at all. It fucking hurts. All i have is a sort of sad rage and sort of disillusionment with the world. I've never seen myself living beyond 30, but honestly, i don't even see myself living past july.

It's fucking pathetic, too. I have good friends, loving parents, a privleged life. Everything i could ask for. I feel like all of this is being wasted on my lazy ass who can barely pass my studies. I live in india, so SN is crazy easy to get. I dont even know if i want to die or if this is some sort of pathetic attempt at garnering attention, because all of my previous attempts were just for attention too. I feel pathetic. Too pathetic to live, too pathetic to die. It's always been a giant fear of mine, dying average. In reality, i'm the fucking centre of the bell curve. Always jack of all trades, master of none. Nothing im too good at to be impressive, not too bad to gain attention.

I'm grateful for everything i have, dont get me wrong, i just think its all wasted on me. I don't know. I'm sad and crying and fed up with myself and i fucking hate that i found out that i was a trans dude i wish that i just stayed fucking ignorant. One of my closest friends is taking a break for 6 months and today's my first birthday without her, and it fucking hurts. it hurts so bad. I feel like im at fault. She blocked me, for the break, but fucking hell it hurts it hurts i dont want to do this anymrre.

I miss her so bad andf i wouldnt want to hurt hrer with my death and i wanna be there for her and i love her so much platonically but she deserves so much more than my stupid ass. This is just a pathetic, self deprecating rant but where else do i have left to go? my other friend who was in and out of a psych ward would probably be against me thinking like this, so ive come here. Not to hear hollow words of appreciation, i want a place to rot with people like me.

If someone could just comment and say hi, that would be nice. I dont want to be remembered as a girl but i dont think ill ever be remembered as a boy. I want to run away and die in a ditch somewhere. its so stupid, really. Im sad. thats what this entire rant is. im just a sad, pathetic creature. no real reason to die. no real reason to live. I dont deserve to die but i dont deserve to live either.

god.

If theres a god up there, im sure He looks down upon me with great disgust. i htink im just having a mental breakdown on this site because i have nowhere else to vent anymore.

Well. uh. TL;DR - I'm sad and have a meltdown on this site bc where else am i supposed to go?

 

[narayana0121]

Hi! I also found this thread from that tantacrul video about a year ago.

I am a bisexual male, a little more gay than straight. Ive been trying to live with this my whole life. Sometimes I feel like I can do it, like I can just hide this part of me that I find repulsive. But it always just bubbles back up. I never feel like I fit in anywhere.
I relate to what you say about your life a lot. I was born in america, my family moved from india and we have a decent life, and I am very grateful for that. But I feel like all the opportunities I have are completely lost and wasted on me.
Maybe you have it harder than me, but I can understand what youre going through.

sending love, stay strong.

 

[SorrowSolution_25]

Thank you. It feels good to have someone in a similar predicament to me. You take care of yourself too.

 

[vak]

Some people manage to follow the script we're all supposed to, somehow, but for people like you and me, the idea of wasting away our potential or being locked into the expectations of others can be soul crushing. The more we're pushed into living an average life, the more alienated we become. I don't think it's pathetic at all. Realizing you are responsible for your own happiness, yet struggling to achieve it, is very mature and universal across cultures and time.

I see a huge contrast between my potential and the reality of my life, and not a day goes by without me being torn apart by it, altough some say that this mismatched potential is the perfect breeding ground for personal growth. I sincerely wish my predicament won't be your fate and that you will succeed where I failed, finding satisfaction in just being who you are