graveface
Timor mortis exultat me
- Nov 3, 2024
- 38
Bipolar person here. Last week I was on a low. I wanted to die but didn't have my preferred method in the house. This week I'm up and the world makes me high by moving through it. This isn't a "beauty of life" post. The reverse in fact. I know this is temporary and that the depressive low will be back. It's inevitable as the tide. And every time it happens, it's a heartbreak. How many times can the fragile illusion of hope be taken away? How many times do I have to descend far enough to understand that hope is a disease that has to be eradicated before I can CTB? That everything I work for each day is cementing a failure? Every time I have a long episode I get a little closer and take important steps, but then an illusory "up" happens, and while it does, I can't see through it. Until I do. Is anyone else frustrated this way?
