bipolar delusions

[zurukunai]

early this year i was hospitalized due to a long and severe manic/psychotic episode. i never hallucinated, but my delusions were so absurd, it's almost physically painful for me to recount them

by the time i was admitted to the hospital, i had been convinced for weeks that everybody i knew was conspiring to help me somehow. i couldn't sleep more than an hour at a time and couldn't eat. the day just before i was taken in, i was convinced that the government was about to put me in witness protection as some sort of martyr because i thought i knew how to stop international conflict.

i spent 5 days in the hospital and was still completely delusional by the time they let me out, but i was behaving well enough to go, i guess. in the psych ward i thought everybody around me was a planted actor, given their roles by my internet friends

it took maybe a week for me to recover from the batshit crazy delusions, but i kept behaving in stupid manic ways until there was no way i could avoid thinking about the consequences. i fucked my life up a lot worse. the comedown led me to notice that i had been disconnected from reality for years already, living off of an inflated ego and borrowed time, lying to myself, behaving irresponsibly, etc. it's easy to recognize the over the top delusions but it hurts to try adding up all of the smaller ones that led me to a position where somehow i could convince myself of the bigger ones

i hate this. i'm only 21. as a younger teenager, as soon as i found out what bipolar disorder was, i knew it described me. in childhood i already had intense suicidal ideation. i begged for psychiatric help. my mother told me every time that i was a hypochondriac. i just chose to believe it wouldn't be a problem for me and continued with a small lifetime of shit decisions

i don't think i would have gotten to this point if i had known for sure sooner what the hell is wrong with me. i never opened up to anybody about the extent of my psychotic state. i can't bear to even try to pick up the pieces of my life anymore.

fuck this disease. it's not my only diagnosis but it's probably the one most responsible for killing me.

 

[Life_and_Death]

not the same because aside from being planted they were still themselves (at least from my understanding) but yeah, delusions suck. i have/had capgras syndrome, (Capgras syndrome (CS), or delusion of doubles, is a delusional misidentification syndrome. It is a syndrome characterized by a false belief that an identical duplicate has replaced someone significant to the patient.). it thankfully didnt effect any humans but when i was 15-16 i thought that my dog was kidnapped by the coyotes and switched out with one of them to fool the family but "i knew better". i knew how crazy this thought was so for about a year until i moved out i just "played along" and kept my thoughts to myself. after moving away i was able to see how crazy that sounded. (i have also had hallucinations more recently, at least one that actually tried to attack me. but typically they just stood there watching).
i dont really have anything helpful to say aside from "at least it was a 'positive' reason" but im sure even that doesnt really make it much better so just...i understand and

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you have to endure, and it's just so awful how we live in this world where all this extreme suffering exists, I cannot even imagine what it must be like having to endure that disease. But this world really is hell, to me the existence of life is just a cruel mistake. I wish you the best.

 

[zurukunai]

not the same because aside from being planted they were still themselves (at least from my understanding) but yeah, delusions suck. i have/had capgras syndrome, (Capgras syndrome (CS), or delusion of doubles, is a delusional misidentification syndrome. It is a syndrome characterized by a false belief that an identical duplicate has replaced someone significant to the patient.). it thankfully didnt effect any humans but when i was 15-16 i thought that my dog was kidnapped by the coyotes and switched out with one of them to fool the family but "i knew better". i knew how crazy this thought was so for about a year until i moved out i just "played along" and kept my thoughts to myself. after moving away i was able to see how crazy that sounded. (i have also had hallucinations more recently, at least one that actually tried to attack me. but typically they just stood there watching).
i dont really have anything helpful to say aside from "at least it was a 'positive' reason" but im sure even that doesnt really make it much better so just...i understand and

yeah, i can't imagine what it's like for people whose delusions are really persecutory. people were still very kind. capgras sounds terrifying, thank you for sharing

 

[almaranthine]

I have had so many delusions over the years during the course of different manic/psychotic episodes... it is genuinely horrible to live in a sobered (excessively depressed) state knowing just how completely insane I can become at the drop of a hat. When I was younger than you (19) I suffered from my first psychotic episode. I believed God or whatever higher power needed me to go on a "mission" and become a martyr and I drove my car through 2 red lights at busy intersections. I hit someone exiting off the interstate; luckily they were all right but the force of impact was so great that the frame of my car cracked. Because I walked away completely unscathed only further contributed to me believing I was following God or whatever the fuck. My phone died before I could call anyone to come help me, so I walked to a large chain bookstore and asked to use their phone... the line was dead so therefore I believed that forces were conspiring against me. I then encountered one lone EMT, believed they weren't real, but a "spirit guide" of some kind trying to escort me back to a reality where the car crash didn't kill me. When the cops showed up (because this was considered reckless driving) I straight up gave one of the officers a bed bath & beyond coupon (home goods store) instead of my registration and literally ran away into a nearby restaurant, threw my (dead) phone into a toilet, and then tried to flee. The cops of course detained me, dragged me out in handcuffs and I almost went to jail. The only reason I wasn't booked is because my uncle showed up and explained that I had just been released from an involuntary hold at a psych facility and the meds must have messed with me. They didn't though. The problem was that the meds just didn't work on me. After this episode I continued to live for months believing I had really died in the accident and was living in a purgatory state.

 

[LeavingEarly]

I have been hospitalized 10 times for delusions. I feel your pain. I lost everything.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. That sounds terrifying. The brain's capacity to 'trick' us really frightens me. I hate the thought of losing control. I hope you are able to find peace- whatever your decision.