Story Big ol' vent about things I've done.

[Live or Let Die]

Hello,

For those who don't know me or haven't seen me on a post, I'm LoLD (Live or Let Die, but just call me LoLD) 18 y/o Canadian who at the prim and proper age of 6 was raped by my then step sister, only to witness my younger sister suffer the same fate from my then step brother. That part really bothers me because when it happened to her, I knew it was wrong. Yet I still did nothing to stop it. I've been bashing myself over the head about that for the better part of a decade. I know there isn't anything that can be done to change what happened but it still hurts to know I could've done something, literally anything but chose not to.

Due to those experiences I've suffered from clinical depression since I was 7. At some points it was so bad I genuinely turned to CTB to make it stop, eventually giving in and attempting on Oct 1st, 2022 at around 12:00am, which was my mothers birthday. I didn't realise it at the time but I extremely regret the poor timing of when I attempted it. As you know I am still very much alive which means I failed. Went to a mental hospital for a week and was discharged, soon after that I started therapy bi-weekly for about 4 months. Now my mother worries a lot about me, she even checks my pulse some nights while I sleep...

Now I'm here, recently found this honestly wonderful community after that video made about it. Joined expecting the worst but you guys are simply lovely, caring, and considerate people who know when life can't be fixed. I'm just waiting for when things could get better, I have reasons to stay but also a lot of reasons to leave. I have my guitars and passion for music, my baby nephew who's basically my kid since my older sister is one terrible mother.

Thank you for reading and as well for any input or advice you leave.
Best wishes,
LoLD

 

[Sulyya]

Well done on keeping strong this far despite all the awful things you've seen and been through, including an attempt and recovery.

I have a niece (almost 2) who I am also looking out for when I can.
I don't take my own advice, but if you don't already, hug your mom sometimes and tell her you love her. (not in a way that will make it seem like a goodbye though!)

 

[Live or Let Die]

not in a way that will make it seem like a goodbye though!

love this lol, thank you so much for the kind words <3

 

[Janine]

Hello,

For those who don't know me or haven't seen me on a post, I'm LoLD (Live or Let Die, but just call me LoLD) 18 y/o Canadian who at the prim and proper age of 6 was raped by my then step sister, only to witness my younger sister suffer the same fate from my then step brother. That part really bothers me because when it happened to her, I knew it was wrong. Yet I still did nothing to stop it. I've been bashing myself over the head about that for the better part of a decade. I know there isn't anything that can be done to change what happened but it still hurts to know I could've done something, literally anything but chose not to.

Due to those experiences I've suffered from clinical depression since I was 7. At some points it was so bad I genuinely turned to CTB to make it stop, eventually giving in and attempting on Oct 1st, 2022 at around 12:00am, which was my mothers birthday. I didn't realise it at the time but I extremely regret the poor timing of when I attempted it. As you know I am still very much alive which means I failed. Went to a mental hospital for a week and was discharged, soon after that I started therapy bi-weekly for about 4 months. Now my mother worries a lot about me, she even checks my pulse some nights while I sleep...

Now I'm here, recently found this honestly wonderful community after that video made about it. Joined expecting the worst but you guys are simply lovely, caring, and considerate people who know when life can't be fixed. I'm just waiting for when things could get better, I have reasons to stay but also a lot of reasons to leave. I have my guitars and passion for music, my baby nephew who's basically my kid since my older sister is one terrible mother.

Thank you for reading and as well for any input or advice you leave.
Best wishes,
LoLD

I'm really glad you've went through all of this and are still strong enough to hang in there(not like that). You should be proud of yourself, really. Feel free to send me a dm if you want to talk!

 

[Square251]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. No one deserves this. I'm new here and I'm not that good at comforting people but I'm here for ya bud. Take care.

 

[guayabas]

welcome and I'm glad you're getting some of the support you need here

it's ok if you don't believe it or can't feel it, but it's not your fault what those awful ppl did to you and your sister. freeze response is a totally natural response to trauma. it's not a choice, it's instinct just like fight or flight. Your instinct makes a snap judgement about whether you can get away, defend yourself, or are helpless. If it decides you're helpless/can't do anything to change the situation, it goes into freeze mode. With a lot of abusive ppl, fighting them makes them more violent and dangerous, so a freeze response is completely valid