bf has progressed to hurting me in “subtle” or “accidental” ways

[sincerelysad]

hi please read this

i've made a couple posts about my relationship situation before this, but they were all made before this started happening (or, before it was brought to my attention that this was physical abuse and not merely coincidence or accidental).

my boyfriend has started hurting me in ways that he can try to play off as accidental. badly, but it's still hard to argue with someone claiming something they did was an accident when they didn't .. blatantly outwardly put their hands on me.
for example, a couple of weeks ago he had gripped my chin so hard it was left sore and aching for a couple of hours. no bruise, but when he did it, it hurt so bad i let out a shriek. he apologized and said he didn't realize he was gripping my chin that hard, but.. how difficult is it to touch someone gently? i mean, he really really gripped it hard.
another time after that he had dragged a nail file across my fresh self harm. he looked at them mid conversation, reached out, and just did it. it hurt, and it shocked me. i asked why he'd do that and told him that it had hurt me, and he maintained his defense that he "didn't mean to". i don't know how. but i couldn't argue with him anymore; i started feeling like the asshole.
he did it again today, and it was a bit scarier this time. i was laying in bed while he was standing over me, and he reached down and gripped my face by my cheeks extremely hard; so hard i nearly cried, and what was scary, was that he didn't stop. he knew he was hurting me, he had to have. i was making a very unpleasant face and was making a noise that indicated that i was uncomfortable/in pain, and he just stared down at me. expressionless. he stopped after about 40 seconds, and i made a comment that it hurt, but he didn't apologize this time and just got in bed to lay next to me.
there have been other times and instances as well, but i've always brushed them aside and tried to convince myself they were all accidental. he hurts me almost like he resents me. like you'd put a little extra oomph into knocking into someone on the sidewalk who didn't move over to make more room for you— he adds that oomf to every time he touches me. i don't understand. i don't know if that even makes any sense.

am i crazy? is he doing this on purpose? is he enjoying this? or does he just have these.. intrusive thoughts he can't ignore? im so confused, i already feel so trapped here as it is as i am unable to purchase or obtain sn or anything necessary to ctb.
i want to get away. i want to pass on. im afraid. im so tired. i don't want to hurt anymore, and i don't know what's going to happen next. the unpredictability and abuse from everyone around me is wearing me down so hard i feel like i can't breathe anymore. im so fucking sad. i just want it all to be over. i just want it all to be over.

 

[Worndown]

One cannot do something to you accidentally while looking you in the eye. Run...it will only get worse.

 

[sincerelysad]

One cannot do something to you accidentally while looking you in the eye. Run...it will only get worse.

i wish i had options to get away. unfortunately i've exhausted all of them and my only other option would be to take what i can and live on the street.
that is not preferable to dealing with this and also getting to be with my cat and sleep in my bed, you know?

 

[mafuyu]

This definitely sounds like he's doing it on purpose. Run as fast as you can

 

[sadDaysAhead]

One cannot do something to you accidentally while looking you in the eye. Run...it will only get worse.

I can only agree with this post
life is hell people are the biggest disappointment don't wait till it's to late to leave realize that you were alone from the very beginning.once it turns physical it time to go .

 

[sincerelysad]

i do not have anywhere to go :(

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I imagine this is an extremely difficult situation to navigate. Before I answer and give my thoughts, do know I'm not a qualified professional, just a random internet stranger.

To me, it doesn't seem accidental that he is doing this. I think he knows it hurts you and derives some pleasure in controlling you and causing you pain, perhaps he's a sadist. It would be easy to overlook if it was a one time occurrence and he never did it again, but this is multiple times and you don't "accidentally" drag a file across a fresh wound. He knew it would hurt and he did it. It also seems like it's gradually getting worse.

I'd recommend trying to leave sooner rather than later if at all possible. I don't say this to scare you, of course, I only say that because for everyone I've known in this situation, it progressively got worse. I sincerely hope your situation improves but if you need help, there is an international hotline to call. They should be able to help you with stuff like this, I'm gonna put it at the bottom of this.

He might have a mental condition that makes him dangerous to you (nothing excuses this, not even medical conditions) but in the meantime try to be careful, walk on eggshells. He seems dangerous. I hope you can stay safe, and get the help you need, feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I'm not on this site often but I do try to be responsive and helpful when I am here.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:

800-799-7233

Or

Text "START" to 88788

You could also google more resources and it can send you to private online chats. I hope this information helps you.

 

[dreamscape1111]

you already know what to do, dear. leaving something behind to improve your quality of life, is always the right choice

One day; you will learn to love yourself just enough to let them go.

Growth: is knowing you'll never tolerate what you once used to in the name of love.

Honor your boundaries. You can't be everything to everyone & nothing to yourself.

If it makes you feel broken in any way, you need to end it before it ends you.

Stop adjusting your boundaries for people who don't deserve to be in your life.

Closure is not something you get from them it's something you gift to yourself.

When you desire new outcomes in your life, you have to break up with old patterns.

Healing isn't possible until you detach from those who continue to harm you.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

i do not have anywhere to go :(

Sorry you're going through this, I wrote my post before reading this because I hadn't refreshed the site to read the newest replies. I know some domestic violence support things can help you escape the situation, of course there are downsides but I hope you do what's best and safest for you at this time.

 

[sincerelysad]

I imagine this is an extremely difficult situation to navigate. Before I answer and give my thoughts, do know I'm not a qualified professional, just a random internet stranger.

To me, it doesn't seem accidental that he is doing this. I think he knows it hurts you and derives some pleasure in controlling you and causing you pain, perhaps he's a sadist. It would be easy to overlook if it was a one time occurrence and he never did it again, but this is multiple times and you don't "accidentally" drag a file across a fresh wound. He knew it would hurt and he did it. It also seems like it's gradually getting worse.

I'd recommend trying to leave sooner rather than later if at all possible. I don't say this to scare you, of course, I only say that because for everyone I've known in this situation, it progressively got worse. I sincerely hope your situation improves but if you need help, there is an international hotline to call. They should be able to help you with stuff like this, I'm gonna put it at the bottom of this.

He might have a mental condition that makes him dangerous to you (nothing excuses this, not even medical conditions) but in the meantime try to be careful, walk on eggshells. He seems dangerous. I hope you can stay safe, and get the help you need, feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I'm not on this site often but I do try to be responsive and helpful when I am here.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:

800-799-7233

Or

Text "START" to 88788

You could also google more resources and it can send you to private online chats. I hope this information helps you.

my phone was unfortunately shut off so i can't utilize any sort of call or text hotlines. i've tried looking for resources online but tend to find dead ends or people unwilling to help me because they don't deem my situation severe or dangerous enough.
can you please help me with finding a reputable resource that i don't need an active phone to access? im struggling with finding something and don't have a lot of help or support

 

[SexyIncél]

i do not have anywhere to go :(

Presumably he thinks this too. So he knows you have few defenses and can indulge his creepiest urges with little consequence. I'm sad to say, you need more options. He will likely escalate

Best to assume that his words are only true when it happens to be in his interest. That he sees you as a thing, an object to manipulate with words

 

[sincerelysad]

Presumably he thinks this too. So he knows you have few defenses and can indulge his creepiest urges with little consequence. I'm sad to say, you need more options. He will likely escalate

Best to assume that his words are only true when it happens to be in his interest. That he sees you as a thing, an object to manipulate with words

this broke me im so fucking sad

 

[SexyIncél]

this broke me im so fucking sad

I'm sorry! I was about to write: so many people are increasingly broken, it's not about you. You are valuable, and should be deeply loved. But people are increasingly incapable of love

I'm very very very very sorry, it's not about you. It's about people's brokenness, they can't see other people, there is something wrong with this world

 

[sincerelysad]

I'm sorry! I was about to write: so many people are increasingly broken, it's not about you. You are valuable, and should be deeply loved. But people are increasingly incapable of love

I'm very very very very sorry, it's not about you. It's about people's brokenness, they can't see other people, there is something wrong with this world

he talks all the time about not feeling empathy for other people. i was foolish to expect to be the exception.

 

[randy]

WTF this sounds toxic and abusive. This is Not Okay

 

[sincerelysad]

WTF this sounds toxic and abusive. This is Not Okay

i know, it makes me really sad. i've been with him for over 3 years.

 

[fell]

i know, it makes me really sad. i've been with him for over 3 years.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have also been through multiple abusive relationships and it is so scary and hard. Are there local women's shelters or DV shelters in your area? Do you have a friend you could stay on their couch for a few days to figure things out?
Here are some links that helped me when I was going through the same -

http://www.thehotline.org

Local Resources

Domestic violence local resources listed state by state. Help for survivors, including primary & preventive care services.

www.thehotline.org

They also have great blogs that helped me understand what was going on and get out:

Is Change Possible In An Abuser?

Is change possible in an abuser is a question we get a lot. It's a complex answer, but it is possible. Learn the signs of someone changing.

www.thehotline.org

A Deeper Look Into Gaslighting

Gaslighting can be a complicated topic. Take a deeper look into gaslighting to better understand what it means and what it looks like.

www.thehotline.org

How an Abusive Partner's "Good" Behavior is Part of the Act

It can be confusing, but there are times when an abusive partner's good behavior is part of their manipulations. Learn what that looks like.

www.thehotline.org

They also have an online chat service if you have wifi but not cell service - scroll to the "chat live now"

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I agree with what @fell said, www.thehotline.org is best since you only need to have Wi-Fi and you can use an online chat.

 

[sincerelysad]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have also been through multiple abusive relationships and it is so scary and hard. Are there local women's shelters or DV shelters in your area? Do you have a friend you could stay on their couch for a few days to figure things out?
Here are some links that helped me when I was going through the same -

http://www.thehotline.org

Local Resources

Domestic violence local resources listed state by state. Help for survivors, including primary & preventive care services.

www.thehotline.org

They also have great blogs that helped me understand what was going on and get out:

Is Change Possible In An Abuser?

Is change possible in an abuser is a question we get a lot. It's a complex answer, but it is possible. Learn the signs of someone changing.

www.thehotline.org

A Deeper Look Into Gaslighting

Gaslighting can be a complicated topic. Take a deeper look into gaslighting to better understand what it means and what it looks like.

www.thehotline.org

How an Abusive Partner's "Good" Behavior is Part of the Act

It can be confusing, but there are times when an abusive partner's good behavior is part of their manipulations. Learn what that looks like.

www.thehotline.org

They also have an online chat service if you have wifi but not cell service - scroll to the "chat live now"

most of the women's shelters i've contacted say my case isn't severe enough, and i don't really have anyone to stay with. thank you so much for these resources, though. i will look into & use them. <3

 

[AboutTom]

That was very hard to read, he's obviously abusive and dangerous. This is specially scary when you consider that domestic abuse often ends to the abuser killing the victim. I understand if dying sounds appealing to you but do you really wish to go so violently? I think there are much much better ways to go, if you desire to.

By the fact that youre still with him i will assume your self esteem is low because anyone with self respect would had left by now.

Does a monster like him deserve a partner? I think its best you teach him he cant do that by leaving.

Obviously you deserve much better but i dont think you realise that. Just think about all those amazing people you have never met and will be able to date once you leave him. If you stay it will get worse, if you ieave, who knows what'll happen.

my phone was unfortunately shut off so i can't utilize any sort of call or text hotlines. i've tried looking for resources online but tend to find dead ends or people unwilling to help me because they don't deem my situation severe or dangerous enough.
can you please help me with finding a reputable resource that i don't need an active phone to access? im struggling with finding something and don't have a lot of help or support

Do you have any friends with working phones or who could help you get yours working?

 

[sincerelysad]

That was very hard to read, he's obviously abusive and dangerous. This is specially scary when you consider that domestic abuse often ends to the abuser killing the victim. I understand if dying sounds appealing to you but do you really wish to go so violently? I think there are much much better ways to go, if you desire to.

By the fact that youre still with him i will assume your self esteem is low because anyone with self respect would had left by now.

Does a monster like him deserve a partner? I think its best you teach him he cant do that by leaving.

Obviously you deserve much better but i dont think you realise that. Just think about all those amazing people you have never met and will be able to date once you leave him. If you stay it will get worse, if you ieave, who knows what'll happen.

Do you have any friends with working phones or who could help you get yours working?

i know this probably sounds naive but i don't think he'll ever kill me. he doesn't have it in him, and it's more his style to torture and antagonize me until i hurt myself severely or kill myself.

i don't have any reliable friends or family. i haven't left yet because i have nowhere to go, not because of low self esteem. i have no options and am forced to be stuck here.
like i said earlier in the thread, enduring the abuse and getting to sleep in a bed with my cat every night outweighs sleeping alone on the street and risking freezing to death.

 

[novem]

You still have some time to carefully plan to leave him. I was in a similar situation. Do not rush it, think maybe you have relatives or parents or friends to stay with WHEN it will suddenly become unbearable. Expect that it will.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really horrific being trapped in that situation, people like that certainly do just make this world a more hellish place. I hope that in whatever happens you manage to find relief from what you are going through, of course it's very much understandable just wanting to finally be gone from this cruel world.

 

[sincerelysad]

You still have some time to carefully plan to leave him. I was in a similar situation. Do not rush it, think maybe you have relatives or parents or friends to stay with WHEN it will suddenly become unbearable. Expect that it will.

i don't have family or friends to stay with

 

[novem]

i don't have family or friends to stay with

That is why we are all here on this forum...
I am planning my departure to, although with different circumstances.

 

[Worndown]

i don't have family or friends to stay with

A shelter? Maybe the cops can direct you to one after you call them. Victim services??

 

[sincerelysad]

A shelter? Maybe the cops can direct you to one after you call them. Victim services??

the shelters in my area are all full.
the dv and women's shelters can't prioritize my case because it isn't considered severe enough.
im looking into the services linked here still.

also the cops would do nothing but make everything worse so i will not be calling them at all lol

 

[ThinkTechnical]

I'm so sorry you're going through something like this, I unfortunately know what it's like to be abused. At least in my case, complying with my step-brother's awful demands prevents me from suffering most of the physical harm... I can't imagine just how terrifying it is to be harmed by someone you seemingly so cared for. Please don't ever fool yourself into thinking they'll stop at anything, people with no empathy of any kind don't seem to fear going to jail the way you and I probably do. Despite the repercussions, it's still entirely possible they could end up trying to take your life, even if the chances of that are very slim.

I don't imagine I'd be much help in finding specific places that could help you, but anything is preferable to that situation. Hotlines, online or otherwise should always be your first line of defence... gosh, I'd even mail you an old phone internationally to make a call on, if that's what it takes to get you out of this situation. I don't ever want to encourage anyone to CTB, but I think if I were in your situation, I'd even prefer leaving and jumping off of a building to just staying there.

I really, really hope you get out of that situation, alive and unharmed.

 

[sincerelysad]

I'm so sorry you're going through something like this, I unfortunately know what it's like to be abused. At least in my case, complying with my step-brother's awful demands prevents me from suffering most of the physical harm... I can't imagine just how terrifying it is to be harmed by someone you seemingly so cared for. Please don't ever fool yourself into thinking they'll stop at anything, people with no empathy of any kind don't seem to fear going to jail the way you and I probably do. Despite the repercussions, it's still entirely possible they could end up trying to take your life, even if the chances of that are very slim.

I don't imagine I'd be much help in finding specific places that could help you, but anything is preferable to that situation. Hotlines, online or otherwise should always be your first line of defence... gosh, I'd even mail you an old phone internationally to make a call on, if that's what it takes to get you out of this situation. I don't ever want to encourage anyone to CTB, but I think if I were in your situation, I'd even prefer leaving and jumping off of a building to just staying there.

I really, really hope you get out of that situation, alive and unharmed.

this response means so much to me. thank you so much, this is so kind. i can't express enough how much i appreciate these kind words :')

 

[EmberFlake]

So sorry to hear about your situation and the system gatekeeping your abuse. As others said, take your time to slowly form a plan to escape without him realising. In my personal experience I've found that documenting EVERYTHING (whether via secret recording or diary) will help combat the gaslighting. Also, keep a VERY close eye on your cat. It'd be devastating if things escalated to threatening or actively harming your fur baby, but abusers can and do resort to that. Especially if they know they can't get away with overtly hurting/killing you. Or they could end up using the pet abuse as a stepping stone towards human harm. Or even just to fuck with you or punish you for not deriving all your happiness/purpose from them. Find comfort in your cat, but just beware of any potential jealous rages.