Eideprius
Member
- Sep 15, 2024
- 5
(My english might be a little bit off, I have not the energy to correct the text and is not my native language.)
I am stuck in my live. I am always between the feeling of wanting to die/suffering of lonelynes and small things that give me a little bit hope, but it leads to nothing.
I can't get better. I can't improve myself, but I also can't get help. There are no therapie places, I can't even trie to get one without my parents finding out (As long as I live by them, because of post and this shit), and even when I could I need to wait months or even years. Talkig to people in the Internet doesn't make it better. There is just no way for me to be realy happy.
I just can't imagine having a real life.
It feels so far away, but the thought of giving up also makes me sad. I mean, technically I have many years to live, but in reality I don't, because there is just an limit of suffering I can take.
And I have tried much to get help.
There are just some things that feels worse then dying for me. Like speaking with my parents about it. It isn't even rational. They are nice.. But I just can't.
And the reallity is, nobody cares. I am one under thousand that want to die. I have nobody that really gives me the feeling to be seen and cared about. Every time I trie to talk people it feels like they don't understand me and my live. online I just getstandart phrases and when I would try to tell a other person in real life about my true feelings, they would just talk to my parents or feel like they need to "save" me. But I think it would drive me even more crazy.
I want someone that wants to be part of my live because of me and not because they fear that I gonna kill myself.
So regardless of what I do, I stay alone.
And the worst thing is that I am the problem. I can't get out. I Can't really speak to people, can't make friends. I just don't understand this whole social thing. I need people, but at the same time it makes me tired and sick to be around them and even more lonely. I mean why the heck can I not just be normal?
I am not sure enough to kill myself, but also too broken to fix myself.
I'm just so tired for all of this. I have no idea how I can live my everyday life, but at the same time I can't give up and need to care as long as I'm not 100% sure that I want to die.
Why is it so fucking hard to get help? I want to be able to just have a private conversation with someone that really cares, don't judge and that it doesn't envolves every one else. But getting in therapie takes so long and is so hard that It is way more appealing to just kill myself.
I am stuck in my live. I am always between the feeling of wanting to die/suffering of lonelynes and small things that give me a little bit hope, but it leads to nothing.
I can't get better. I can't improve myself, but I also can't get help. There are no therapie places, I can't even trie to get one without my parents finding out (As long as I live by them, because of post and this shit), and even when I could I need to wait months or even years. Talkig to people in the Internet doesn't make it better. There is just no way for me to be realy happy.
I just can't imagine having a real life.
It feels so far away, but the thought of giving up also makes me sad. I mean, technically I have many years to live, but in reality I don't, because there is just an limit of suffering I can take.
And I have tried much to get help.
There are just some things that feels worse then dying for me. Like speaking with my parents about it. It isn't even rational. They are nice.. But I just can't.
And the reallity is, nobody cares. I am one under thousand that want to die. I have nobody that really gives me the feeling to be seen and cared about. Every time I trie to talk people it feels like they don't understand me and my live. online I just getstandart phrases and when I would try to tell a other person in real life about my true feelings, they would just talk to my parents or feel like they need to "save" me. But I think it would drive me even more crazy.
I want someone that wants to be part of my live because of me and not because they fear that I gonna kill myself.
So regardless of what I do, I stay alone.
And the worst thing is that I am the problem. I can't get out. I Can't really speak to people, can't make friends. I just don't understand this whole social thing. I need people, but at the same time it makes me tired and sick to be around them and even more lonely. I mean why the heck can I not just be normal?
I am not sure enough to kill myself, but also too broken to fix myself.
I'm just so tired for all of this. I have no idea how I can live my everyday life, but at the same time I can't give up and need to care as long as I'm not 100% sure that I want to die.
Why is it so fucking hard to get help? I want to be able to just have a private conversation with someone that really cares, don't judge and that it doesn't envolves every one else. But getting in therapie takes so long and is so hard that It is way more appealing to just kill myself.
