you may well be right! I know I am very motivated by fear - I'm scared of God, if God exists. That's why I feel the need to know if there is a God. I suppose there's also a wishful thinking element. I want there to be a God who won't hurt me, but will love me, and everyone else. I don't want all this suffering to be for nothing.
I understand that religion can be used to control and manipulate people, and I see wars in the name of religion and I think it's horrific.
I suppose I am very influenced though by how so many people seem so *sure* of their beliefs, that they have experienced God. It's hard for me not to be influenced by it. And even though I know there are alternative explanations, I can see how people see spirituality in things like nature/music. And the big bang and consciousness are such mysteries, they lead me to think there could be a God - even though as you say, there's no proof.
Why would you fear a loving all-forgiving God? You don't fear God, you fear those who claim to be 'His' agents. Like American armed police. Or Israeli bomber pilots. Or Russian strategic missile forces. All of whom claim God as the ultimate source of their arbitrary authority to commit mass murder in the name of 'freedom' or 'war' or 'justice', the ultimate proof of faith in God being to kill for Him. Those are the people who
seem so sure of their beliefs who are really influencing you.
My concern here at SS is that the arbitrary authority of God's agents to inflict violence ends all rational debate, but for the youth debating how best to end themselves humanely. Removing 'God' from the equation removes the source of those agents' long-established authority and exposes them to the youth for what they really are: charlatans and warmongers who are not going to be around forever.
The Big Bang and consciousness are only mysteries to those whose perspective has been obscured. As realities they are self-evident. The spectacle of the cosmos, honeycombing space in vast chains and walls of galaxy superclusters with the abysses that separate them, to the limits of all human craft to detect them and beyond, the innumerable variety of star systems and worlds contained therein, all evolving under the subtle direction of natural laws over æons of time, and in the infinitesimal midst of this apparently infinite wonder, the unique unsurpassed beauty of the planet
Terra Mater in all of her benign majesty, apparently alone in her profligacy of life, quality tested over hundreds of millions of years, singing into the void music to make stones weep without hope of a reply, and then the race of human beings, passing on survival knowledge seamlessly down the generations, whose environment naturally demands that they co-operate on each other's survival in spite of all differences between them or else perish in apocalypse... all of these things are self-evidently observably real and demand no faith, and no proof of faith, only witness and acceptance. No human idea of 'God' can ever do justice to the reality, it can only meddle in it and mar it, and blind faith can only obscure and contradict it.