Being truly alone is very scary

[discernment]

I think chronic loneliness will probably kill me. I can't face another winter like this and another Christmas on my own. I self harmed really badly last night and i'm just in a lot of pain and i'm scared of how easy it has become to really hurt myself. I have no energy or motivation to do anything besides lie in bed or lie on my sofa and doomscroll.

I honestly just want to end everything. There isn't even a single person that I would have to write a letter to. The only thing stopping me is that I have two cats, and that is a very big thing to me because I can't just leave them. Maybe the best thing to do at this point would be to re-home them so I can CTB but rehoming them will completely break me.

 

[tonicer]

It seems like you have two cute anchors there. I only have my mother. She turns 80 next year and if she dies i have no reason to keep going. I tried to build a life but i am now 43 and i don't have a job or a girlfriend or a friend or money. I studied my ass off and got a really good degree in computer science but no matter where i apply i only get rejected. I had over 20 interviews in the past 24 months and all rejected me without any reason given. I guess my ugliness must be off the chart. I still try to get a job because i want to support my mother but it seems hopeless. If i was you i would also re-home my cats to a really nice place with good people but if you can't do it you have to wait for them to go first.

 

[discernment]

It seems like you have two cute anchors there. I only have my mother. She turns 80 next year and if she dies i have no reason to keep going. I tried to build a life but i am now 43 and i don't have a job or a girlfriend or a friend or money. I studied my ass off and got a really good degree in computer science but no matter where i apply i only get rejected. I had over 20 interviews in the past 24 months and all rejected me without any reason given. I guess my ugliness must be off the chart. I still try to get a job because i want to support my mother but it seems hopeless. If i was you i would also re-home my cats to a really nice place with good people but if you can't do it you have to wait for them to go first.

Thank you for the reply. I definitely wouldn't ever leave the cats without someone to care for them. I hope you're able to find a job soon, i'm not sure what country you're in but where I am, the job market is really poor especially at the moment, and there are so many people with good degrees that are struggling to find any work at all. It's really frustrating that we do everything 'right' in terms of trying to build a life for ourselves but for some reason it just doesn't work out that way in reality

 

[tonicer]

Thank you for the reply. I definitely wouldn't ever leave the cats without someone to care for them. I hope you're able to find a job soon, i'm not sure what country you're in but where I am, the job market is really poor especially at the moment, and there are so many people with good degrees that are struggling to find any work at all. It's really frustrating that we do everything 'right' in terms of trying to build a life for ourselves but for some reason it just doesn't work out that way in reality

I am a German living in Germany. I think i have a higher chance of winning the lottery than getting a job.

 

[unluckysadness]

I can relate because I'm forced to like like an hermit since more than 5 years. I'm 44, disabled (rare disease), no friends or partner, still virgin, no work, cannot drive anymore, severe social phobia and anxiety, PTSD, ... I stop the list, it's too sad. I hope to leave soon. I'm also eligible for VAD in Switzerland. My mother will take my cat. I only have this cat and thousands of records (thanks to neurodivergence / autism). All my days are on screens. hen I wake up, I'm waitinf for the night, and at nights I just want to die in my sleep.

 

[butimstillsoblue]

@discernment Being alone is incredibly scary. I am alone except for my cat. Sometimes I feel pathetic because of that, but every time I hear of someone else like you who only has their cat(s) I do feel a little less alone. Perhaps there are a lot more of us than we realise.

I have no family, no friends. Christmas alone every year doesn't become any less painful.

I understand the pain after self harm. It hits different when you know you did it to yourself.

I completely understand having no motivation or energy.

I also tried to do what was 'right' - to get an education and make a better life for myself, but it didn't work out. I work a job that pays a lot less and it's becoming increasingly difficult to work with my chronic illness and mental health.

After reading what you wrote @tonicer I realise I should be grateful to have a job, even though it is not what I studied for. I truly hope you get a job soon

 

[discernment]

I can relate because I'm forced to like like an hermit since more than 5 years. I'm 44, disabled (rare disease), no friends or partner, still virgin, no work, cannot drive anymore, severe social phobia and anxiety, PTSD, ... I stop the list, it's too sad. I hope to leave soon. I'm also eligible for VAD in Switzerland. My mother will take my cat. I only have this cat and thousands of records (thanks to neurodivergence / autism). All my days are on screens. hen I wake up, I'm waitinf for the night, and at nights I just want to die in my sleep.

I'm sorry :( I also live with PTSD, its so difficult. I did look at VAD in Switzerland, I don't know where I would get the money from but the bigger problem is that i'm in the UK and they require you to travel with someone who can deal with all of the processes after the VAD in Switzerland and I genuinely don't have anyone that I could take. Have you applied?

@discernment Being alone is incredibly scary. I am alone except for my cat. Sometimes I feel pathetic because of that, but every time I hear of someone else like you who only has their cat(s) I do feel a little less alone. Perhaps there are a lot more of us than we realise.

I have no family, no friends. Christmas alone every year doesn't become any less painful.

I understand the pain after self harm. It hits different when you know you did it to yourself.

I completely understand having no motivation or energy.

I also tried to do what was 'right' - to get an education and make a better life for myself, but it didn't work out. I work a job that pays a lot less and it's becoming increasingly difficult to work with my chronic illness and mental health.

After reading what you wrote @tonicer I realise I should be grateful to have a job, even though it is not what I studied for. I truly hope you get a job soon

Definitely, whenever I have met someone in real life who seems to be in the same situation it then turns out that they do actually have friends and family so its not quite the same as our situation, but its also kind of taboo to talk about loneliness and to tell people that you literally don't have anyone to rely on, which makes it even more isolating because you can't ever recognise anyone else who is in the same situation. I hope this makes some sort of sense lol.

My job is also low paying and unrelated to my degree, and my financial situation is not good, which is a huge stress, but, I am still grateful for it. I've never kept a job for more than a year in the past due to my MH. The system just isn't set up for people like us

 

[Humppasonni]

I think chronic loneliness will probably kill me. I can't face another winter like this and another Christmas on my own. I self harmed really badly last night and i'm just in a lot of pain and i'm scared of how easy it has become to really hurt myself. I have no energy or motivation to do anything besides lie in bed or lie on my sofa and doomscroll.

I honestly just want to end everything. There isn't even a single person that I would have to write a letter to. The only thing stopping me is that I have two cats, and that is a very big thing to me because I can't just leave them. Maybe the best thing to do at this point would be to re-home them so I can CTB but rehoming them will completely break me.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. I know what loneliness can do to you, I have self harmed in the past, for me it was a way to deal with extreme emotional pain, it was not very effective method though. I really hope you can find someone to talk to, someone who sincerely cares about you and wants to spend time with you.
PS. Cats are awesome, I was considering to get another rescue cat after my Kasper died, but I can't trust my self to be able to take good care of one atm. I hope I didn't offend you in my ramblings, I'm really bad at this.

 

[discernment]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. I know what loneliness can do to you, I have self harmed in the past, for me it was a way to deal with extreme emotional pain, it was not very effective method though. I really hope you can find someone to talk to, someone who sincerely cares about you and wants to spend time with you.
PS. Cats are awesome, I was considering to get another rescue cat after my Kasper died, but I can't trust my self to be able to take good care of one atm. I hope I didn't offend you in my ramblings, I'm really bad at this.

You didn't offend me at all don't worry :) I appreciate the response cats are my favourite

 

[Humppasonni]

There is just something about cats, something enigmatic, something you can't ever quite figure out. What breed of cats do you have? My cat was a mixed-breed common cat. My cat helped me through some very difficult times, I wish you all the best, I hope you will find that some1, that cure for your loneliness.

 

[discernment]

There is just something about cats, something enigmatic, something you can't ever quite figure out. What breed of cats do you have? My cat was a mixed-breed common cat. My cat helped me through some very difficult times, I wish you all the best, I hope you will find that some1, that cure for your loneliness.

Thank you, I hope so too Honestly, i'm not 100% sure as they are both rescue cats that I adopted so I don't know their history, but I think mine are just mixed breeds too!

 

[Humppasonni]

It says alot about a person who adopts a cat, or any animal. I keep telling my self that 'no matter how hard you have failed at life, as a person, you are not so bad. I hope all the best for you, what ever that means to you.