Venting Being transgender makes me want to die

[Michael_the_ratman]

I know HRT (hormone replacement therapy) can help me but I have a very good physique for a girl. If I take HRT no one will want me anymore because I won't fully be a girl anymore and I will never be 100% a real guy. Most gay men won't date a trans guy, like only 11,55%. Yeah, I can get a fake D but like... I want a real one not one that doesn't even work well. I don't want scars on my chest. I don't want wide hips. I don't wanna be short.

There's also the social aspects, people hate you for it. They think being trans is a choice, that you're sick in the head, that you'll go to hell... Some will want to kill you for it, infact I feel so unsafe. Transphobia is on the rise and I'm scared that someone will hurt me. In my college, people see me as the weird kid, I struggle to make friends. I can't be friends with most people because I'm scared that they will be transphobe or I know they are. I have lots of religious friends and they treat me so baddly because of it. I feel like no one can ever understand me, I always feel like an outcast...

I wish people tried to understand. I just want to be a cis man, to have a normal life, not any of this. At this point I don't care anymore, I would be happy to wake up one day and realise I'm happy living my life as a wowan. I feel like CTB is my only escape from all this. I just hope that I'll wake up as a cis man in my next life.

 

[Neowise]

I used to think the same, "I wished I was born male". Until one day I realized that if I was male I would still be the same talenless idiot. The same coward nobody likes. I would still fuck up everything I touched. Since then I don't care about my sex / gender, I hate existence in any form.

 

[AppleTreeDog]

I know absolutely exactly how you feel. This is my life too. Except I've been on T for over a year now. I'll never have the right body no matter how much surgery or hrt I do.

 

[ToastInTheShell]

Yeah I feel you. Often transitioning feels like a choice between staying unhappy and subjecting myself to more cruelty. I personally don't think I'll bother transitioning before I CTB. Like you, I don't think I have the build for it, and I'd never fit in as a woman if I tried to transition. No matter what hormones I take, no matter what exercises I do, I'll always have a man's body and bone structure. My jaw, hips, shoulders, waist, chest, etc are just way too masc. Not to mention the health complications for both ffs and bottom surgery are just kinda scary.

If it's any consolation I think that there are many trans positive people out there. If your friends treat you badly for being trans, it might be worth talking to them about how that affects you, and putting your foot down when things go too far. You don't deserve to be treated like shit just because your trans, especially by people you consider friends.

I hope your situation improves :)

 

[Michael_the_ratman]

Yeah I feel you. Often transitioning feels like a choice between staying unhappy and subjecting myself to more cruelty. I personally don't think I'll bother transitioning before I CTB. Like you, I don't think I have the build for it, and I'd never fit in as a woman if I tried to transition. No matter what hormones I take, no matter what exercises I do, I'll always have a man's body and bone structure. My jaw, hips, shoulders, waist, chest, etc are just way too masc. Not to mention the health complications for both ffs and bottom surgery are just kinda scary.

If it's any consolation I think that there are many trans positive people out there. If your friends treat you badly for being trans, it might be worth talking to them about how that affects you, and putting your foot down when things go too far. You don't deserve to be treated like shit just because your trans, especially by people you consider friends.

I hope your situation improves :)

I wanna thank you for reading my post and paying attention (it meant a lot to me). Also, thank you so much for your kind words^^ it's nice to see I'm not alone in this.

I hope you will find happiness, and I hope you'll be able to live as a woman some days (:

 

[anxiousguineapig]

fwiw, I'm trans, and for a long time it really fucked me up, when I was a teenager it was pretty much the reason I was suicidal. What really changed things was making a bunch of trans friends - in my case I found them through an organization I started volunteering at. I know a lot of people on here feel really socially awkward and hopeless, but there really are a lot of accommodating and forgiving people out there, many of whom have struggled with anxiety and/or other mental health issues before, who can see past things like that. Having trans friends in particular is really one of the most gender- and life-affirming things I've experienced, and I would really advise you to engage in trans spaces, either online or in person. You mentioned being in college; there are probably queer or trans student groups on your campus that would give you the opportunity to connect with other queer/trans students.

I get how much it all sucks, and if you ever want to talk my DMs are open :) I do a lot of work with trans organizing, specifically patient advocacy, and if you ever want any advice for navigating healthcare or bureaucratic stuff I might be able to help. or just to talk, I've been through a lot of this myself and at least sometimes, it really does get easier.

 

[dolemitedrums]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but things seem to be the best they've ever been for the trans community and on the road to further improvement going forward.

 

[nails]

trans guy here, i'm dealing with the same thoughts. i'm sure i've ranted about this exact thing before, and i planned on ranting about it again. it's a big reason why i want to ctb. there's just no winning when you're trans.
i hate knowing that i'll probably never be who i need to be, i hate that i'll always be looked down upon if i transition, i hate that everything is 10x harder if you're trans, i hate that no matter what, i'll never have the "right" body.
but let's be real, i would still probably hate everything about myself if i were born a man. i would still be looked down upon for a billion different reasons (maybe not to the same degree, but still). every other reason why i want to ctb would still remain. yeah, a LOT of things would be easier, but i'd probably still be suicidal, and that fact brings me comfort (don't know if that's fucked up or not, but it helps me )

i wish i had some solid advice for you, but like i said, i'm still struggling with the same thing :,)
one thing that has helped has been surrounding myself with other trans people. allies are also good company of course, but it's good to befriend people who fully understand what you're dealing with.

i hope things get better for you soon. if you need to vent about anything, or if you just need someone to relate to, i'm here for you! ^^

 

[sinfonia]

Aren't there any LGBT-fiendly college groups you could join? If you have a space where you can express yourself freely and be accepted for who you are, you can ignore what the rest of the world thinks. And yes, transphobia is at an all time high, there's more people that wanr to put a bullet in your head than ever before; but there's also a level of tolerance and open-mindendness in other millieus that would've been unthinkable 40-50 years ago.

 

[elsignifier]

I understand exactly how you feel. It's so hard waking up every day and hating what you see in the mirror and feeling like no amount of surgery will ever make you forget the body you were born with. I wish people like us could have just been born the way we were truly meant to be. The act of transitioning is so mentally distressing to me because I am so scared of the world seeing me pretend to be the person I never got to be. I am so sorry that you and so many of our community are going through this pain. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I wish you comfort.

 

[drag201]

Yes me too. Im a trans man as well and I hate the fact that I have to get medical treatment and surgeries to even remotely resemble what I was meant to look like. People are so hateful towards us and Ive avoided telling anyone I was trans unless it was someone who absolutely needed to know or I was talking to another trans person because I am just so ashamed of it. I really wish I wasn't like this and I could have just been born a cis guy. It's a huge factor for why i want to commit. Sometimes I want to keep going so that I can go on hrt and finally look like a proper man but most of the times it makes me want to go even more because no matter how much treatment i get I will never be like a cis guy

 

[passivethought121]

Trans guy here, I feel you. Life has just been dysphoria with a teaspoon of the "life stuff" like school, work, social aspects. Most of my day consisted of being miserable, and then maybe, if I had the strength to live, I would set some time aside to. Before coming out my standards for life were very low, expecting everything to be absolute shit. I am faced with the choice of becoming medically expensive (current route), living decades of misery (torture), or blowing my brains out (easiest!).

I also give up on dating. I honestly expect that hrt is gonna make me a little ugly, and nobody's gonna have the capacity to date someone who's so dysphoric that they never want intimacy. I'm a burden in a relationship. I dont have it in me to search for someone who sees me as my gender, doesn't try to convince me otherwise, and doesn't care about sex. For me, the thought of being a hermit doesn't sound that awful

 

[Randy Savage]

I can relate :/ It's hard not to have that voice in the back of your head always telling you you'll never truly pass
I hope you feel better soon, best wishes

 

[c0vered1nmagg0ts]

I know HRT (hormone replacement therapy) can help me but I have a very good physique for a girl. If I take HRT no one will want me anymore because I won't fully be a girl anymore and I will never be 100% a real guy. Most gay men won't date a trans guy, like only 11,55%. Yeah, I can get a fake D but like... I want a real one not one that doesn't even work well. I don't want scars on my chest. I don't want wide hips. I don't wanna be short.

There's also the social aspects, people hate you for it. They think being trans is a choice, that you're sick in the head, that you'll go to hell... Some will want to kill you for it, infact I feel so unsafe. Transphobia is on the rise and I'm scared that someone will hurt me. In my college, people see me as the weird kid, I struggle to make friends. I can't be friends with most people because I'm scared that they will be transphobe or I know they are. I have lots of religious friends and they treat me so baddly because of it. I feel like no one can ever understand me, I always feel like an outcast...

I wish people tried to understand. I just want to be a cis man, to have a normal life, not any of this. At this point I don't care anymore, I would be happy to wake up one day and realise I'm happy living my life as a wowan. I feel like CTB is my only escape from all this. I just hope that I'll wake up as a cis man in my next life.

as a trans guy on HRT the dysphoria gets so much better but i'm still suicidal anyways. i wish i could've just been born normal i get this so much

 

[Gangrel]

I'm not trans, i hope my two cents on this is not harmful. My partner is trans and have some of these feelings, i try to reassure them that i love them and i am super attracted to them, which i am, y'all short kings float my boat. Issues on trans people have been way better these days thankfully, but even then...living in this world sometimes my lgbt bubble bursts and i get to experience how most of the straights really don't like us, i haven't learned how to cope with that yet brother.

 

[michibella]

I know HRT (hormone replacement therapy) can help me but I have a very good physique for a girl. If I take HRT no one will want me anymore because I won't fully be a girl anymore and I will never be 100% a real guy. Most gay men won't date a trans guy, like only 11,55%. Yeah, I can get a fake D but like... I want a real one not one that doesn't even work well. I don't want scars on my chest. I don't want wide hips. I don't wanna be short.

There's also the social aspects, people hate you for it. They think being trans is a choice, that you're sick in the head, that you'll go to hell... Some will want to kill you for it, infact I feel so unsafe. Transphobia is on the rise and I'm scared that someone will hurt me. In my college, people see me as the weird kid, I struggle to make friends. I can't be friends with most people because I'm scared that they will be transphobe or I know they are. I have lots of religious friends and they treat me so baddly because of it. I feel like no one can ever understand me, I always feel like an outcast...

I wish people tried to understand. I just want to be a cis man, to have a normal life, not any of this. At this point I don't care anymore, I would be happy to wake up one day and realise I'm happy living my life as a wowan. I feel like CTB is my only escape from all this. I just hope that I'll wake up as a cis man in my next life.

If i may offer my advice as a trans woman i think you should take the gamble and start HRT, i didnt ask to be trans nor do i "regret" it, the only thing i regret is not having started earlier since i do think i could have been happy had i not been so damaged by puberty.
Sadly youll never be a cis man, and your bone structure wont change (at least not too much) but i think its worth it to try on the off chance you can still make it

 

[Infinitespace_]

you will be born a man in your next life just make sure to die wearing men's clothes

 

[shtangley01]

I know HRT (hormone replacement therapy) can help me but I have a very good physique for a girl. If I take HRT no one will want me anymore because I won't fully be a girl anymore and I will never be 100% a real guy. Most gay men won't date a trans guy, like only 11,55%. Yeah, I can get a fake D but like... I want a real one not one that doesn't even work well. I don't want scars on my chest. I don't want wide hips. I don't wanna be short.

There's also the social aspects, people hate you for it. They think being trans is a choice, that you're sick in the head, that you'll go to hell... Some will want to kill you for it, infact I feel so unsafe. Transphobia is on the rise and I'm scared that someone will hurt me. In my college, people see me as the weird kid, I struggle to make friends. I can't be friends with most people because I'm scared that they will be transphobe or I know they are. I have lots of religious friends and they treat me so baddly because of it. I feel like no one can ever understand me, I always feel like an outcast...

I wish people tried to understand. I just want to be a cis man, to have a normal life, not any of this. At this point I don't care anymore, I would be happy to wake up one day and realise I'm happy living my life as a wowan. I feel like CTB is my only escape from all this. I just hope that I'll wake up as a cis man in my next life.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, it must be utterly torturous, but I;m sure there are people out there who will be able to understand, relate to, and accept you, even if they are in the minority or out-of-the way. Also, I think you're wrong that being on HRT would make nobody want you, if anything the possible self-confidence boost of having a body more aligned to your internal experience could turn a better class of guys onto you. There are a ton of trans-affirming gay dudes about, even amidst douchebags and shitheels, and even if you can't find them or have trouble trusting them, there's always the option of going t4t.

And yeah, the current zeitgeist around transphobia is terrifying, undoubtedly, but genuine outright hateful transphobes are in the minority, broadly. Like, transphobic attittudes are probably going to be more widespread, but I don't think most people really care all that much, even though those especially virulent transphobes are more visible online.

Anyways, if you're en-route to the bus stop anyhow, I don't see how taking HRT in the meantime to make things more comfortable beforehand could hurt, really. Its not like anything anyone could do to you would really matter to you once you're gone.

 

[Cress]

It's undoubtedly very difficult Being trans no matter what culture you're in. Reading about the 40% suicide rate among trans individuals was absolutely heartbreaking. With that said the world has never had more people accepting of trans individuals than at any other point. There is hope for you to figure things out and be happy.

The best advice I could offer would be to move to an area where people are going to be more accepting. I don't know where you live but for example in the United States we have red states and blue states generally people left leaning and Democrat are a lot more accepting of trans individuals. It's really expensive and the state has a lot of issues but California is the most accepting from what I hear.

There are also All sorts of hobbies you could pick up that are more accepting of trans individuals. One that comes to mind in the gaming community is the fighting game community has a lot of acceptance for trans individuals and people of alternative sexuality.

I know it's stereotypical as there's some right leaning and religious people that are accepting of trans individuals but it sounds like you might be in a environment that might not be well suited to you with a lot of religious people? If that's the case I would probably recommend moving Or choosing your hobbies carefully.

Please don't hurt yourself over your sexuality and gender. There's potential futures out there where you can be happy. I wish you nothing but the best And I hope you're able to find your way in the universe. My Dms are always open if you need someone to talk too.

 

[Hotel]

First I would like to say I'm so sorry you're experiencing this it's truly awful. I know it's not the same thing but when I was a teenager I was malnourished all throughout puberty and now as a fully grown man I am very skinny still and I'm only 5ft7 and have next to no muscle mass and very little facial hair and I look at other men in envy. I wish I looked like what society deems as a "normal" man but I never will and it's hard to accept that. Just because u might not look physically traditionally masculine doesn't make u less of a man. Maybe one day u willl change ur mind and decide to live as a girl but rn don't let anyone make u feel like ur not a man because of how u look or sound. And don't do anything permanent with ur body until u are 110% sure it's what u want because a lot of the time it cant go back to what it was. I hope u find acceptance in yourself for whoever u are. Stay safe mate.