Venting being trans is a life sentence

[euthanizeddog]

i hate being trans, more precisely the fact i will never pass. ever. no matter what i do. hrt can't fix bones and genes. how do you even come to terms with that when facing the fact you'll be that way forever? it affects every single aspect of my life. i literally cannot live.

of course, there's the possibility of detransitioning. but that's not a possibility for me. i'd love if i could ignore this feeling forever, pretend it isn't there. but that kind of mercy was not given to me. i know i'd hate myself even more if i did that, i would not be happier. and that's the worst part, knowing i will never be happy. i'll suffer either way. what do you even do with that information? why continue to live if you know you'll suffer until the day you die?

i hate how this is treated as being a pessimistic person. i'm not, it's a fact. almost no one can understand what it feels like.

i'm not actively planning on ctb, but even after several years that was never out of the table. it's comforting knowing that i could just let it go someday. let every single problem of mine go away like that. i'd finally be happy.

until then i live in constant agony while next to 0 people can understand what i'm talking about at all. ever since i was a child there was only one thing i was undoubtedly sure of; my deep desire to die

 

[wishingonstars]

Welcome to SaSu! I think you'll find that almost everyone here will understand living in constant agony, I hope that can be a comfort for you the way it has been for me. I am also a trans person who has been suicidal since childhood, I'm around if you want to talk, feel free to respond here or dm me once that's unlocked for you.

 

[2muchpain2]

i hate being trans, more precisely the fact i will never pass. ever. no matter what i do. hrt can't fix bones and genes. how do you even come to terms with that when facing the fact you'll be that way forever? it affects every single aspect of my life. i literally cannot live.

of course, there's the possibility of detransitioning. but that's not a possibility for me. i'd love if i could ignore this feeling forever, pretend it isn't there. but that kind of mercy was not given to me. i know i'd hate myself even more if i did that, i would not be happier. and that's the worst part, knowing i will never be happy. i'll suffer either way. what do you even do with that information? why continue to live if you know you'll suffer until the day you die?

i hate how this is treated as being a pessimistic person. i'm not, it's a fact. almost no one can understand what it feels like.

i'm not actively planning on ctb, but even after several years that was never out of the table. it's comforting knowing that i could just let it go someday. let every single problem of mine go away like that. i'd finally be happy.

until then i live in constant agony while next to 0 people can understand what i'm talking about at all. ever since i was a child there was only one thing i was undoubtedly sure of; my deep desire to die

do you have any support system? i would be honored to chat with you if you are interested. I'm part of the alphabet mafia, but not T.

 

[Jisatsu]

As a fellow trans individual I agree, being trans sucks and it doesn't help that so many people drag us through the mud , we are all just people...

 

[shampoo sniffer]

I'm sorry, that sounds awful.

 

[euthanizeddog]

Welcome to SaSu! I think you'll find that almost everyone here will understand living in constant agony, I hope that can be a comfort for you the way it has been for me. I am also a trans person who has been suicidal since childhood, I'm around if you want to talk, feel free to respond here or dm me once that's unlocked for you.

thank you for the welcome ! i was referring more so to the fact i don't see a lot of trans people stuck in this kind of limbo, they're either set on keep transitioning or detrans, if they feel dysphoric at all, since the whole "youre valid one way or another!" is still a popular mindset

i'm still getting used to the site's functionality after lurking for so long, but yes, i'm open to talk as well !

do you have any support system? i would be honored to chat with you if you are interested. I'm part of the alphabet mafia, but not T.

thank you for the offering, i'm open to it of course ! i'm just getting used to the functionality of this site after lurking for so long, so i'm not sure if i can PM someone yet

 

[wishingonstars]

thank you for the welcome ! i was referring more so to the fact i don't see a lot of trans people stuck in this kind of limbo, they're either set on keep transitioning or detrans, if they feel dysphoric at all, since the whole "youre valid one way or another!" is still a popular mindset

i'm still getting used to the site's functionality after lurking for so long, but yes, i'm open to talk as well !

Oh I see, I totally misinterpreted that. I get that, I don't really feel stuck in limbo but I also am definitely dysphoric and I identify as gender queer and so people will always misgender me unless they know enough to ask instead of assuming, it sucks. If it's not too personal may I ask how long you've been transitioning for?

 

[euthanizeddog]

Oh I see, I totally misinterpreted that. I get that, I don't really feel stuck in limbo but I also am definitely dysphoric and I identify as gender queer and so people will always misgender me unless they know enough to ask instead of assuming, it sucks. If it's not too personal may I ask how long you've been transitioning for?

i knew ever since i was 12 or 13, but only got to medically transition as an adult. i've been under hrt for less than a year now because it's very hard to acess at the moment

 

[wishingonstars]

That's tough. I obviously don't know how you look but if it's any comfort I know someone ftm who transitioned a while ago and you would never know he is trans unless he told you. And this man is not super tall or anything and started transition as an adult as well. I just mention this because less than a year is nothing in terms of what hrt will eventually do for your looks, my voice had hardly started dropping by my first year, it takes time for hormones to work.

 

[euthanizeddog]

That's tough. I obviously don't know how you look but if it's any comfort I know someone ftm who transitioned a while ago and you would never know he is trans unless he told you. And this man is not super tall or anything and started transition as an adult as well. I just mention this because less than a year is nothing in terms of what hrt will eventually do for your looks, my voice had hardly started dropping by my first year, it takes time for hormones to work.

thank you, one of the few reasons i stay alive is because i still want to see how i'll look like after a few years, but for now i'm not so hopeful about it

 

[wishingonstars]

thank you, one of the few reasons i stay alive is because i still want to see how i'll look like after a few years, but for now i'm not so hopeful about it

I'm glad you're holding out to see the results, I totally get not being hopeful about it right now though. Hope can be such a hard and painful thing to hold onto.

 

[Holu]

Im not trans, but im gonna speak on behalf of my dead best friend who was.

Reading your post reminded me of her. I would like to think she would agree with you based off the sentiment you shared. She was one of the most pessimistic people I knew. She was so negative and self deprecating she was banned from the major trans discord servers.

She use to obsess over old pictures of her pre puberty, primarily focusing on traits like her shoulders. She was both dysmorphic and dysphoric. Another friend and I tried to be a source of kindness and validation but she never could accept our words, even when they were fully sincere and true.

This world's cruel and its inhabitants crueler. But know regardless you still matter. If you need to talk feel free to dm me.

Long live Queen Volta. I miss you </3.

 

[euthanizeddog]

This world's cruel and its inhabitants crueler. But know regardless you still matter. If you need to talk feel free to dm me.

Long live Queen Volta. I miss you </3.

i'm so sorry about your friend, may she rest in peace now, i'd loved to be her friend
thank you for your words and your offering, it means a lot

 

[CantTurnBack]

Every day I wonder how I will cope for the rest of my life knowing that I'm transgender. Sometimes I wish I could go back and live in blissful ignorance, before I came to the conclusion that I might never be happy without transitioning. I'm not sure if it will ever be possible to love and accept myself one way or the other, but I do know that I would never find out without trying. I can run and hide from the truth forever, or I can accept this as my new reality..

 

[Alexandra_]

As someone with gender dysphoria, I understand your feelings completely. I'm so sorry you're going through the same pain. I wouldn't wish that on anyone

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Fellow trans girl here, I get it too. It always seems like no matter how much progress I do make, I'm living a lie. Only thing keeping me going is my BF.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

i hate being trans, more precisely the fact i will never pass. ever. no matter what i do. hrt can't fix bones and genes. how do you even come to terms with that when facing the fact you'll be that way forever? it affects every single aspect of my life. i literally cannot live.

of course, there's the possibility of detransitioning. but that's not a possibility for me. i'd love if i could ignore this feeling forever, pretend it isn't there. but that kind of mercy was not given to me. i know i'd hate myself even more if i did that, i would not be happier. and that's the worst part, knowing i will never be happy. i'll suffer either way. what do you even do with that information? why continue to live if you know you'll suffer until the day you die?

i hate how this is treated as being a pessimistic person. i'm not, it's a fact. almost no one can understand what it feels like.

That is some of the most real stuff I have ever heard. I'm so sick of "trans joy" or that fucking "God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason God made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine, so that humanity might share in the act of creation." bullshit.

I did not want to be trans. I do not wish to wake up every day and be called a name that never fit, in a body that always has been repugnant and horrible. HRT will not give me the height I desire, change my bones or give me the genitals I should have had from the start. Whenever I ask to be called by name and pronouns that fit me, I get laughed at and mocked

But noooooo it's all "positivity" and "joy" and if you say how much it is just fucked up and horrible it is, you're just a negative piece of shit. Which is fair, but given the 42% statistic but then again, toxic positivity is still toxic.

 

[yxmux]

Been medically transitioning since I was 15, and it's basically done nothing despite all the HRT regimes I've tried. Given up on it as well. Honestly, I just can't even hear the word trans anything.

 

[RoseGirl]

thank you, one of the few reasons i stay alive is because i still want to see how i'll look like after a few years,

When i attempted earlier this year this is the same thing that stopped me hanging myself a few times.
Since i got to the psychward whenever I look in the mirror i look like a girl, maybe it's because they gave me womens clothes which exentuate my hourglass figure.
@yxmux if ur mtf then like u probably dodged the worst of puberty.