Being tortured

[riktfar]

I can't sleep, think, feel, or find any solice in life. I spent 2 years with the love of my life and things got heated and we ended up breaking up from lack of reciprocity and care. I treated her like a god for the first year and when she'd panic , I just let her hit me and repeated logic and reasoning until it became a mental habit. We lived in a 0 bedroom and shed practice singing and now my cochlear are debilitating . After a year I renamed her the torture boo and fell to drinking because my heart hurts so bad when she tyrades or panics and wont problem solve. I gave everything I had and subbed until I couldn't physically move while under scrutiny and stressors from aggressors on all sides. I still need to make sure she's okay and progressing to her ultimate goals, it's all I lived for. I was left with no reciprocity or return of my sacred energy , and was stripped of self respect (which is a bit funny because i don't think in those terms) and then later harassed and abused silently with 'passcodes' indirect language and reminding me of my loves unwellness and stalked. The weaknesses I allowed the torture boo to give me so that she felt in control of her life and healed from her cultist upbringing . I don't know what to do, death sounds pleasant and it's hard to commit to. Trying a few ways, need help getting there and id appreciate if someone would talk with me . I can rarely sleep with my tinnitus .