Being in a relationship while suicidal

[failedmind]

I recently just got into a relationship. It's long distance & I really enjoy him. But I'm still planning my suicide and he has no idea. He knows of my depression but not of the extent. He always says things about how he's excited to meet me and I say it back, because I genuinely would be so happy to meet him, but I'm planning my suicide for this year. I feel so bad. He is more than enough for me but I'm still so fucking suicidal that even something so amazing like him doesn't stop me from wanting to do it. It makes me so sad. We really love each other. Even though we haven't met yet, I know it will crush him. I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe just to vent or see if anyone relates. I just feel sad

 

[APeacefulPlace]

I'm in a similar position as you, I made a promise to myself that if I do go through with it, I would at least call her to say a genuine goodbye. Not sure if this helps but I really hope both of you find what you're looking for.

 

[SadGirl]

I recently just got into a relationship. It's long distance & I really enjoy him. But I'm still planning my suicide and he has no idea. He knows of my depression but not of the extent. He always says things about how he's excited to meet me and I say it back, because I genuinely would be so happy to meet him, but I'm planning my suicide for this year. I feel so bad. He is more than enough for me but I'm still so fucking suicidal that even something so amazing like him doesn't stop me from wanting to do it. It makes me so sad. We really love each other. Even though we haven't met yet, I know it will crush him. I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe just to vent or see if anyone relates. I just feel sad

I also have a long-distance relationship, but every weekend my fiancée comes to my city. Just be careful, don't create expectations, if something isn't as you expected, it could make things even worse. Are you sure of your suicide? Do you need some help?

 

[failedmind]

I also have a long-distance relationship, but every weekend my fiancée comes to my city. Just be careful, don't create expectations, if something isn't as you expected, it could make things even worse. Are you sure of your suicide? Do you need some help?

thank you im being careful. we video and call a lot and have for the past few months. but that thought does scare me. i feel sure of my suicide, but it still feels scary to me. i definitely need help but i feel like i've tried everything from meds to therapy for 10+ years and nothing has helped. :(

 

[human909]

If it helps, you could make a suicidal note to him that explains that it's not his fault and you really want to spend more time together but you are suicidal from the depression still and you chose to die but wanted to stay.

 

[Jadeith]

From my perspective - there's nothing that could be put in the letter that will lessen the pain. If a partner doesn't understand your reasoning and doesn't support it while you draw breath, it won't magically happen after you leave, no matter how good letter writer you are. A piece of paper won't convince anyone and won't lessen their pain if you personally couldn't. There will be guilt, regrets, crying and all that.

Strictly technically speaking - if the relationship is promising, it can be used as an anchor for you to stay and as a weapon to combat your ailment. Questions are:
-are you willing to prolong your existence for other person? No guarantees it will work out of course.
-are you willing to make him suffer by leaving because suffer he will? Maybe killing the relationship first and yourself later is better idea if you want to ctb anyway?
-is this relationship promising enough for you try to fight depression?
-is he willing to be your rock? I know it's a very tough position and not everyone is willing to help carrying other person's burdens.

 

[failedmind]

From my perspective - there's nothing that could be put in the letter that will lessen the pain. If a partner doesn't understand your reasoning and doesn't support it while you draw breath, it won't magically happen after you leave, no matter how good letter writer you are. A piece of paper won't convince anyone and won't lessen their pain if you personally couldn't. There will be guilt, regrets, crying and all that.

Strictly technically speaking - if the relationship is promising, it can be used as an anchor for you to stay and as a weapon to combat your ailment. Questions are:
-are you willing to prolong your existence for other person? No guarantees it will work out of course.
-are you willing to make him suffer by leaving because suffer he will? Maybe killing the relationship first and yourself later is better idea if you want to ctb anyway?
-is this relationship promising enough for you try to fight depression?
-is he willing to be your rock? I know it's a very tough position and not everyone is willing to help carrying other person's burdens.

thank you for taking time to respond i really needed this. i will think hard about those questions bc they are really important. thank you again

 

[Jadeith]

thank you for taking time to respond

Any time. You know where to find me.

 

[ploppington]

I understand. This place is my only comfortable outlet.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

I'm in the same position. I love him so much and desperately wish the circumstances would allow me to stay here with him, but my brain is my brain.

 

[richardpapen]

I hated every second of the last 2 years in my relationship becouse of this. At some point I used to love him so much and yet watch him sleep beside me some minutes later thinking about how bad I wanted to suicide, and I felt like a fucking monster in disguise, like I was the worst human being on the planet. Sometimes it's hard, I hope you find the strenght to get help

 

[slinkey10]

From my perspective - there's nothing that could be put in the letter that will lessen the pain. If a partner doesn't understand your reasoning and doesn't support it while you draw breath, it won't magically happen after you leave, no matter how good letter writer you are. A piece of paper won't convince anyone and won't lessen their pain if you personally couldn't. There will be guilt, regrets, crying and all that.

Strictly technically speaking - if the relationship is promising, it can be used as an anchor for you to stay and as a weapon to combat your ailment. Questions are:
-are you willing to prolong your existence for other person? No guarantees it will work out of course.
-are you willing to make him suffer by leaving because suffer he will? Maybe killing the relationship first and yourself later is better idea if you want to ctb anyway?
-is this relationship promising enough for you try to fight depression?
-is he willing to be your rock? I know it's a very tough position and not everyone is willing to help carrying other person's burdens.

"Strictly technically speaking - if the relationship is promising, it can be used as an anchor for you to stay and as a weapon to combat your ailment" - this isnt real though, or coducive to an honest relationship? its just momentary respite from whatever negative reality is really going on. It really doesnt address core issues although, as humans we need this type of contact and place it above everything else.
Its the similar cliche if you are going through detox, substance use etc you shouldnt be in a relationship untill you can manage yourself.

"He always says things about how he's excited to meet me and I say it back, because I genuinely would be so happy to meet him" - this is like dopamine hit 101 - its momentary. Get married & after 1.2,3,10 years you will be questioning wtf were u thinking ! I mean even live together for a month and be in each others space 24/7 then re evaluate !