Venting Being convinced I'd die at a young age completely destroyed any hope for my future

[chapitaupe]

I could never imagine living past 15. Everytime I had to do a choice for my future, I'd just choose to keep studying, like other people in my life, but I'd always think "well I won't graduate anyways, I don't have to worry about what to do after, I'll die anyways".
At first I wasn't really thinking about suicide, just that I would "magically stop living", or at least something would just swipe me off the earth. But for a few years now I've been starting to think about a real plan (that is coming even more concrete thanks to this website lol).
As soon as I started being convinced that I wouldn't live past certain ages, I totally stopped searching for a future. I don't have any passions, and I really don't see any jobs that I would fit in. I stopped searching for love and I can barely maintain friendships anyways, since I've become so boring. I've completely lost any will to live.

The worst part is, time is passing anyways. I've had these thoughts for almost ten years, convinced that planning a future and taking care of me would be useless, but I'm still here, like a coward that can't decide between having my shit together or CTB. Time is passing, with people in my life making big achievements in their lives, and I can't even justify why I'm so far behind without mentioning that I'm not supposed to be here.

 

[LainsCorner]

this is how I've felt for the past few years or so :( just turned 19, starting my second year of college. I feel like I'm wasting my dad's money cuz I have no idea what I wanna do (which, like you, also stemmed from thinking I wasn't going to live past 17). I'm just going along with whatever my parents want me to do, and I don't see the point. Realizing time is passing fast and you can't do anything about it is terrifying

 

[wannabeangel]

i thought the same since i was 12, didnt think i'll make it past 18. i turn 24 this year and im not excited about it, birthdays became sad a long time ago. got no clue what im doing with myself after ruining the one hope of something normal. i wish i could pause time at least but the only way i could do that is with my death, so it just sucks