Venting Being bored and suicidal

[PlasticFace]

I quit my job a couple of days ago because not only am I physically unable to do it, I'm going to die soon so what's the point of getting money? I have more than enough to last me a couple of months and I better be gone by then. I gave away my dog because if I can't take care of myself, how am I going to take care of her? I cut off all contact with friends so I don't talk to anybody for days on end unless someone stops by my house to make sure I'm still alive. I started just ignoring the knocking but the knocking turned into banging and the banging turned into calling my name and that turned into crying on my front porch. I keep lying and making up stories about why I can't hang out, why I don't want to talk, etc. They might catch on but whatever, what can they do? I have an entire home to myself for 24 hours every day and I have nothing to do. I used to be able to handle myself but now I left all of my friends behind so the only social interactions I get are on here or the occasional "hello" from the mailman. I sound so stupid and pathetic and I'm sorry that I'm even posting about this, but how do you handle being suicidal and bored?

It's dangerous. I can't drive so I'm stuck at home (not that I'd choose to go outside in the first place). Everything I do gets twisted in my brain about how it could kill me. I shouldn't be using my stairs anymore because of tremors but I've been climbing them just for the small chance that I'd fall and knock myself out. I seek that thrill in everything. I'll purposely leave the gas on the stove to see how long I can stand the dizziness (My record is about a half hour). I turn the shower all the way up so that it's scalding hot and wait until I can't stand it. The cutting has got more intense too. I'm extremely skinny and pale, so you can see almost all of my wrist veins. I'll hold the box cutter to it and just wait for the next wave of tremors. I haven't eaten for a couple of days now and I'm seeing how long I can go. I even canceled my grocery subscription so I won't get food at my door. It sounds so stupid and childish but I have nothing better to do except handle the chore of keeping myself alive. Is it wrong to fantasize about your own death?

I wasn't always like this. I don't know if it's because I've been planning to CTB or if it really is the boredom, but I hope I don't accidentally CTB before I do all the things I need to do. I don't know why I even care. It's not like it'll matter after I'm dead anyway.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life in itself is something that is completely unappealing and tedious, it's a burden feeling trapped in this world, so boredom is a completely understandable way to feel. As after all, humans just repeat the same tasks on a loop, slaves to their needs and desires, I do see life as being like running around in circles, leading to nothing and nowhere apart from our inevitable decay from old age. Actually to me, it makes a lot of sense for one to fantasize about their own death, as death is the only relief from the curse that is existing. Life really is something so incredibly useless with the potential for even more extreme suffering always being there, to me it's certainly always better to not exist at all. But anyway, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot, I wish you the best and I guess that if one doesn't ctb then they have no choice but to endure existence.