Venting Being alone while catching the bus.

[Droso]

Not sure how to feel about this. I have to be alone when I CTB. I've always imagined that when I do, I would want to be with someone I loved, but I think I would rather be alone.

It's all up in the air about how I will feel until I get to that moment. There are times where I feel bad about having to see my loved ones one last time before I seclude myself and drink the SN. I almost feel like I'm depriving them of closure. But almost all of them would stop me, except for my boyfriend.

But you never know. My boyfriend could freak out seeing me die and call 911. I wouldn't blame him. I sure as hell would be upset, but no I wouldn't blame him. He would be watching the person he loves with all of his heart die. As much as he respects my choice— I know he does— you never know.

And if he were with me while I was dying and didn't do anything who knows what legal trouble he could get into. Or how much my family would hate him.

It's a better idea for me to die alone. And I probably prefer it that way. I prefer spending most of my life alone. When I have to interact with others I get frustrated and annoyed. I wouldn't want to have to put on an act like always do when it's my last moments here. I would just want to finally be relaxed and comfortable.

I think having another person there wouldn't comfort me. It would remind me of the people I'm leaving behind. I would become worried about them and probably not be able to go through it. I'm not afraid of death nor the act of dying. I'm afraid of leaving my boyfriend behind in this world to be alone.

I'm a coward. I would rather not want to think and face that while I die.

Truly, it is better for me to die alone.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Mmm, that's the unfortunate part about self deletion, and how it can transfer pain. CTB isn't the only end that is foreseeable, there are a whole variety of possibilities:
- Somehow improving from whatever situation is ongoing now
- Accidental death due to chance
- Escape from unwanted conditions
- Interesting new possibilities that can't be easily foreseen

Also, it isn't cowardice to wish for death on your own, a wish is a wish. Some people prefer escape, some wish death, some wish for change or any number of other things.