Venting Being a Worthless Sex Crime Victim with No One Caring

[needthebus]

Many years ago, someone brutally sexually assaulted me.

The violence was so severe I had surgeries after.

I am still in pain all the time. I don't date. I lack romance.

And society requires me to work and take on the burdens of a normal person, and I'm having a harder and harder time doing it.

It's funny because it feels like for society to know I'm actually not doing well, I can't just say "hey, I'm struggling, I need help and can't really keep working because I'm too sad, this is going to kill me."

It feels like society will not take me seriously unless I attempt again.

Only the problem is that this time, I think the next attempt is going to be my final attempt.

I have some family who want to be there for me, but it's very conditioned upon me trusting them completely, the very same family that was emotionally abusive to me before the attack that happened when I was younger, the family who would be the last people I would ever want to confide in, like sharing your bad day with your bully only worse

So... instead... I am just on the trajectory I am on, which will probably lead to premature death

Society claims they don't want me to die, but when I say I'm not doing well they don't really care

My family claims they don't want me to die, but when I say I'm having a hard time existing the way I am they get annoyed

it's feels like people supposedly want me alive but in fact am very fine with me being dead

and so I continue, on this vector, this road that will in fact lead to death, despite society saying "Suicide is Bad" and family saying "We Love You" because the words are hollow.

The person who sexually assaulted me, violently hurt me, has a nice life. No charges, ever. If society cared about me, if family cared about me, that person wouldn't be living a nice life. And I am single, not dating like I've not dated over the past decade. My love life includes porn, drugs if I am really sad, and contemplating death. If he had murdered me that night, after he drugged me, it would have been less cruel. It's horrible to have no relationship, no prospect of one, and to not be asexual. To have basically been turned into an incel through being physically marred, with no justice, no one believing me.

So yeah, I'm having a really shitty day. He also claimed we never dated and never had sex. I still have Valentine's Day Cards, emails, I have proof that we had more than some platonic relationship. But I am in fact suicidal, have tried to commit suicide, and he's the epitome of a sleazy liar who knows how to sell his lies in nice little packages, and people believe them. The slander damaged my reputation and it damaged me.

I am trying to get up the nerve to talk about what happened to me. I'm thinking BlueSky and Nostr. Facebook tends to ban me immediately for whatever reason. Perhaps his friends find me and report me, I genuinely don't know. But I really want to post this stuff, to let people know.

But I also feel like once I do that, if I go that route, a few things will happen: 1) No one will believe me; 2) No one will care; 3) His employer(s) will not care; 4) Anyone he's fucking will not care; and 5) It won't matter.

And I feel like once I post that I'll probably kill myself really shortly after that, probably within a week or two. Because I'm just tired and unhappy. There's more stuff I want to do, but holy shit people have been mean to me in this fucking evil vile planet. I am also not perfect either, I've been mean to people too and wish somehow I had done things better.

And I am trying to do this in an organized way, a way that makes sense for me and is clear, that makes it clear I am being honest. I do remember something happening that night, I remember running out of the room, I remember terror, I was hurt afterwards, I remember the empty look when he attacked me. I'm not lying.

I have almost no one, everything in my life is virtual. I am sad all the time and when things are virtual I don't need to fake smile. So fucking tired of fake smiling. Involuntary psychiatric treatment was really the second worst thing that ever happened to me: fake smile, or stay here forever. I faked smiled so much, I can't do it anymore, not even to try to be social, to connect with people. Each person only has so many fake smiles in their life, so many hours of extreme boredom they can tolerate without screaming. The awful "treatment" facility used up all of those for me.

They will never know the depths of my hatred for them or their cruelty. To any people in the psychiatric or mental health industry reading this, I think you are all awful people.

So I'm just on this awful lonely road and it's so hard and I'm so fucking exhausted. I want to leave well. Not sloppy, not lazy, just to tie things up in a neat package and leave well. No one will fucking care I died, but I'll leave well.

 

[wildflowercloud]

Many years ago, someone brutally sexually assaulted me.

The violence was so severe I had surgeries after.

I am still in pain all the time. I don't date. I lack romance.

And society requires me to work and take on the burdens of a normal person, and I'm having a harder and harder time doing it.

It's funny because it feels like for society to know I'm actually not doing well, I can't just say "hey, I'm struggling, I need help and can't really keep working because I'm too sad, this is going to kill me."

It feels like society will not take me seriously unless I attempt again.

Only the problem is that this time, I think the next attempt is going to be my final attempt.

I have some family who want to be there for me, but it's very conditioned upon me trusting them completely, the very same family that was emotionally abusive to me before the attack that happened when I was younger, the family who would be the last people I would ever want to confide in, like sharing your bad day with your bully only worse

So... instead... I am just on the trajectory I am on, which will probably lead to premature death

Society claims they don't want me to die, but when I say I'm not doing well they don't really care

My family claims they don't want me to die, but when I say I'm having a hard time existing the way I am they get annoyed

it's feels like people supposedly want me alive but in fact am very fine with me being dead

and so I continue, on this vector, this road that will in fact lead to death, despite society saying "Suicide is Bad" and family saying "We Love You" because the words are hollow.

The person who sexually assaulted me, violently hurt me, has a nice life. No charges, ever. If society cared about me, if family cared about me, that person wouldn't be living a nice life. And I am single, not dating like I've not dated over the past decade. My love life includes porn, drugs if I am really sad, and contemplating death. If he had murdered me that night, after he drugged me, it would have been less cruel. It's horrible to have no relationship, no prospect of one, and to not be asexual. To have basically been turned into an incel through being physically marred, with no justice, no one believing me.

So yeah, I'm having a really shitty day. He also claimed we never dated and never had sex. I still have Valentine's Day Cards, emails, I have proof that we had more than some platonic relationship. But I am in fact suicidal, have tried to commit suicide, and he's the epitome of a sleazy liar who knows how to sell his lies in nice little packages, and people believe them. The slander damaged my reputation and it damaged me.

I am trying to get up the nerve to talk about what happened to me. I'm thinking BlueSky and Nostr. Facebook tends to ban me immediately for whatever reason. Perhaps his friends find me and report me, I genuinely don't know. But I really want to post this stuff, to let people know.

But I also feel like once I do that, if I go that route, a few things will happen: 1) No one will believe me; 2) No one will care; 3) His employer(s) will not care; 4) Anyone he's fucking will not care; and 5) It won't matter.

And I feel like once I post that I'll probably kill myself really shortly after that, probably within a week or two. Because I'm just tired and unhappy. There's more stuff I want to do, but holy shit people have been mean to me in this fucking evil vile planet. I am also not perfect either, I've been mean to people too and wish somehow I had done things better.

And I am trying to do this in an organized way, a way that makes sense for me and is clear, that makes it clear I am being honest. I do remember something happening that night, I remember running out of the room, I remember terror, I was hurt afterwards, I remember the empty look when he attacked me. I'm not lying.

I have almost no one, everything in my life is virtual. I am sad all the time and when things are virtual I don't need to fake smile. So fucking tired of fake smiling. Involuntary psychiatric treatment was really the second worst thing that ever happened to me: fake smile, or stay here forever. I faked smiled so much, I can't do it anymore, not even to try to be social, to connect with people. Each person only has so many fake smiles in their life, so many hours of extreme boredom they can tolerate without screaming. The awful "treatment" facility used up all of those for me.

They will never know the depths of my hatred for them or their cruelty. To any people in the psychiatric or mental health industry reading this, I think you are all awful people.

So I'm just on this awful lonely road and it's so hard and I'm so fucking exhausted. I want to leave well. Not sloppy, not lazy, just to tie things up in a neat package and leave well. No one will fucking care I died, but I'll leave well.

Hey there,

We just want you to know that we have read your story, and you absolutely do matter. What happened to you matters. What happened to you with that brutal sexual assault is not even close to being okay or excusable or forgivable. You did not deserve that. You did not deserve the suffering you experienced afterwards. You did not deserve to have a family who only cares on the surface but have hurt you so deeply that their "caring" words are hollow and make you feel even more alone and uncared for. You do not deserve to be alone. All the emotions you are feeling now make so much sense. We're just so sorry that you have had to go through all of this and experience so much human depravity. Please know that we can understand a lot of your experiences, and you're certainly not alone, at least not here. We just hope so much for you that brighter days come earlier than expected and you don't end up losing your life to this trauma and pain. Another broken soul lost would be another tragic loss. We hope that wherever life takes you, you find peace in amongst the chaos, however that looks for you.

Sending you lots of love and safe hugs if wanted

 

[deadbidaylight]

This hurts my heart so much. The victim shaming needs to fucking stop. No wonder people kill themselves over shit like this…the fact that no one believes you must be so isolating. I know it's no consolation, but I believe you. I hear you. I can't imagine the torment you're living everyday, all alone inside your body and mind.

If you needed surgeries after, how does no one believe you? You have physical evidence of the trauma. That is appalling. Everyone has failed you. But that doesn't have to be your future.

I know it's way easier said than done, but even though it was years ago, you really should report him. Who gives a shit about the "consequences"? You're literally living in turmoil everyday because of what happened. How is it fair that you're on deaths door while he gets off free and easy? He could do it to someone else, if he hasn't already done so. By speaking up, not only can you free yourself from that weight, you could potentially save others who might end up in his hands. You sound like an intelligent person with a head on their shoulders. Please don't sell yourself short by staying quiet. In this day and age, more people are facing their fears and coming forward with allegations like these. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. As a woman, I stand beside you in solidarity. I'm sure many others will too. Try and find the strength to push forward and get some justice for yourself. Please don't become another statistic because of some pos useless bag of skin. You are worth so much more than that.

 

[theboy]

Do you plan to file a complaint?