BPDtgirl
delicate thing
- May 5, 2025
- 42
Forewarning, I'm making very good use of the venting tag here.
I fucking hate being a trans woman. Honestly, I don't know what part of myself I hate the most, my borderline personality disorder or my transsexualism.
I'm envious of the trans women in the 90s/early 2000s. Sure, things have gotten slightly more progressive but back then, you see, nobody gave a fuck about us and we could just get our surgeries and blend in with society, live peaceful normal lives. There were no headlines about us, there were no presidents, prime ministers, children's book authors or failed comedians talking about us. Fast forward to 2025 and I can't fucking breathe for hearing the word transgender. Transgender, transgender this, transgender that. Transition, doll, brick, HRT, passing, fishy, yas queen slay, fuck this dumb shit with a 10-foot pole. The headlines, the government and those TERFs celebrating our literal human rights being taken away do just as much damage as blue, pink and white flags being waved around by crossdressers and sexual fetishists.
I fit in absolutely nowhere. NOWHERE. I am unable to exist in my hometown because of who I am and I am socially ostracised by other trans people because my beliefs don't fall in line with the wider "you're so valid" crowd. I've been transitioning for ~5 years now, socially and medically. I have worked my ass off and sacrificed so much to get to where I am. I got money together to afford FFS (Facial feminisation surgery) and I have undergone surgery on my body; breast augmentation, 360 liposuction and a brazilian butt lift, for what? I'm happy about it but I really thought this would be enough.. it isn't. I realise now that the world simply isn't set up for us. The world looks at trans women as sexual objects and, why not? Is that not what we are? Hyper-feminine beacons of sexual energy and eroticism? No. I want to go to fucking work at a shitty job and come back home to a partner and a dog, eat the same takeaway food and shit on the same toilet as everyone else. But the world isn't set up for us like that.
I make a stupid amount of money selling my porn on OnlyFans. It's enabled me to afford to pay my debt and get these surgeries that cost me upwards of £35k so far, but at what cost? It's not just a double-edged sword, it's a flaming double-edged lightsaber of fucking doom; the more money I make the more I am recognised for being a transsexual. I have always had good looks, even as a male, and I have monetised my conventional superficial attractiveness so well that I can sit at home and do fucking nothing with my life while money just makes itself. But at what fucking cost.
My old friends are practically strangers, my new friends are fleeting bar the odd handful of cherished relationships and I can leave a missed call on my Mum's phone and see nothing for a month. I'm unimportant and unloved. Only important and loved by my 'fans': porn addicted, questionably heterosexual men who jerk their dick to the thought of putting mine in their mouths. Who the fuck would love me, really? An amateur "shemale" pornstar with a mental disorder that some progressive countries allow voluntary euthanasia for.
BPD makes me so fucking lonely. All I ever wanted was to have someone who is as obsessed with me as I am with them. Every time I think I get that with someone it turns out that they didn't ever really love me. I'm addicted to narcissists and abusers, my last ex was a girl I was so in love with and she literally admitted to abusing me for fucking years via text and it broke me in two. I will never get that. The bi-polar mood drops are instantaneous and crippling and I did not ask for this. I cannot rely on myself for a solution to this, I can only rely on others and, guess what, people always leave. They always fucking leave. There is no cure, no hope.
A double-edged sword, indeed. It's a cruel little poem, this unwelcome life. I vehemently hate the conflation by the general public of transsexual identities and sexual behaviour and yet my very career and livelihood almost relies on it. My gender identity has nothing to do with sexual proclivities. I have lost my oldest friend because she genuinely believed that my transition was just some incredibly convoluted and expensive way of having a wank. The two things couldn't be further apart, in my mind. But trans women are often cornered into sex work unless they had great opportunities or super rich parents. It was the only way I could pay the obscene amounts. Without sex work I would never afford this medical/surgical intervention, without marketing myself as a sexual goddess I am unable to afford that shit, but without it I wanted to kill myself because I hated this disgusting man-suit I couldn't take off. But now I have those things, I have had the surgeries I wanted and now, I look at my life, what I lost, what it cost me to get here. I realise that there really was never a victory.
I envy those trans women who were able to start earlier, those who have parents who support them, those who can stealthily live and those with insane opportunity. But that isn't 99% of us.
Yeah, sure, I guess I should be grateful I'm not existing in a country that would behead me for who I am. But am I supposed to be proud of my white British heritage? The UK? Rule Britannia? Fuck that. This dead fucking island sucks and it was built on the back of the "third world", whatever the fuck that phrase means. I hate it here, the people suck and fight each other because they're too busy inhaling alcohol and avoiding education to realise they're being manipulated by a government of rich toffs who don't give a fuck about them.
Fuck it all man. I've tried for so long and I've exhausted everything left in me. There is no happy ending and I'll be just another fucking statistic.
Bless the transsexuals that exist in 2025, because existence truly is an act of defiance at this point. God forbid you talk about this though because, if you do, you're wearing your victimhood and enjoying it. I hate it here, on this planet, this existence is not built for me and I never asked for it. I didn't ask to be a trans person, I don't want it.
It's coming soon, the bus. I can see it on the horizon.
Tl;dr kill me
I fucking hate being a trans woman. Honestly, I don't know what part of myself I hate the most, my borderline personality disorder or my transsexualism.
I'm envious of the trans women in the 90s/early 2000s. Sure, things have gotten slightly more progressive but back then, you see, nobody gave a fuck about us and we could just get our surgeries and blend in with society, live peaceful normal lives. There were no headlines about us, there were no presidents, prime ministers, children's book authors or failed comedians talking about us. Fast forward to 2025 and I can't fucking breathe for hearing the word transgender. Transgender, transgender this, transgender that. Transition, doll, brick, HRT, passing, fishy, yas queen slay, fuck this dumb shit with a 10-foot pole. The headlines, the government and those TERFs celebrating our literal human rights being taken away do just as much damage as blue, pink and white flags being waved around by crossdressers and sexual fetishists.
I fit in absolutely nowhere. NOWHERE. I am unable to exist in my hometown because of who I am and I am socially ostracised by other trans people because my beliefs don't fall in line with the wider "you're so valid" crowd. I've been transitioning for ~5 years now, socially and medically. I have worked my ass off and sacrificed so much to get to where I am. I got money together to afford FFS (Facial feminisation surgery) and I have undergone surgery on my body; breast augmentation, 360 liposuction and a brazilian butt lift, for what? I'm happy about it but I really thought this would be enough.. it isn't. I realise now that the world simply isn't set up for us. The world looks at trans women as sexual objects and, why not? Is that not what we are? Hyper-feminine beacons of sexual energy and eroticism? No. I want to go to fucking work at a shitty job and come back home to a partner and a dog, eat the same takeaway food and shit on the same toilet as everyone else. But the world isn't set up for us like that.
I make a stupid amount of money selling my porn on OnlyFans. It's enabled me to afford to pay my debt and get these surgeries that cost me upwards of £35k so far, but at what cost? It's not just a double-edged sword, it's a flaming double-edged lightsaber of fucking doom; the more money I make the more I am recognised for being a transsexual. I have always had good looks, even as a male, and I have monetised my conventional superficial attractiveness so well that I can sit at home and do fucking nothing with my life while money just makes itself. But at what fucking cost.
My old friends are practically strangers, my new friends are fleeting bar the odd handful of cherished relationships and I can leave a missed call on my Mum's phone and see nothing for a month. I'm unimportant and unloved. Only important and loved by my 'fans': porn addicted, questionably heterosexual men who jerk their dick to the thought of putting mine in their mouths. Who the fuck would love me, really? An amateur "shemale" pornstar with a mental disorder that some progressive countries allow voluntary euthanasia for.
BPD makes me so fucking lonely. All I ever wanted was to have someone who is as obsessed with me as I am with them. Every time I think I get that with someone it turns out that they didn't ever really love me. I'm addicted to narcissists and abusers, my last ex was a girl I was so in love with and she literally admitted to abusing me for fucking years via text and it broke me in two. I will never get that. The bi-polar mood drops are instantaneous and crippling and I did not ask for this. I cannot rely on myself for a solution to this, I can only rely on others and, guess what, people always leave. They always fucking leave. There is no cure, no hope.
A double-edged sword, indeed. It's a cruel little poem, this unwelcome life. I vehemently hate the conflation by the general public of transsexual identities and sexual behaviour and yet my very career and livelihood almost relies on it. My gender identity has nothing to do with sexual proclivities. I have lost my oldest friend because she genuinely believed that my transition was just some incredibly convoluted and expensive way of having a wank. The two things couldn't be further apart, in my mind. But trans women are often cornered into sex work unless they had great opportunities or super rich parents. It was the only way I could pay the obscene amounts. Without sex work I would never afford this medical/surgical intervention, without marketing myself as a sexual goddess I am unable to afford that shit, but without it I wanted to kill myself because I hated this disgusting man-suit I couldn't take off. But now I have those things, I have had the surgeries I wanted and now, I look at my life, what I lost, what it cost me to get here. I realise that there really was never a victory.
I envy those trans women who were able to start earlier, those who have parents who support them, those who can stealthily live and those with insane opportunity. But that isn't 99% of us.
Yeah, sure, I guess I should be grateful I'm not existing in a country that would behead me for who I am. But am I supposed to be proud of my white British heritage? The UK? Rule Britannia? Fuck that. This dead fucking island sucks and it was built on the back of the "third world", whatever the fuck that phrase means. I hate it here, the people suck and fight each other because they're too busy inhaling alcohol and avoiding education to realise they're being manipulated by a government of rich toffs who don't give a fuck about them.
Fuck it all man. I've tried for so long and I've exhausted everything left in me. There is no happy ending and I'll be just another fucking statistic.
Bless the transsexuals that exist in 2025, because existence truly is an act of defiance at this point. God forbid you talk about this though because, if you do, you're wearing your victimhood and enjoying it. I hate it here, on this planet, this existence is not built for me and I never asked for it. I didn't ask to be a trans person, I don't want it.
It's coming soon, the bus. I can see it on the horizon.
Tl;dr kill me
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