Venting Begin the Sacrifice

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

This is just a little venting session, I've done it with my therapist, LLMs, even friends, so I see no harm in doing so here as well, and maybe someone can relate to this.

Ever since I was a kid, I have been really keen to punish myself when I did something bad. For example, breaking something and wanting to be hit or wanting to hit myself, because if punishment was to come anyways, maybe I could control the severity and timing, maybe if I paid right there and then, then I won't have to pay later.

It eventually twisted into a psychological pattern of punishment and attonement, let's say I did something bad, then this would be the outputs:

• If I was punished enough: The pain was proof that I deserved it. Outcome: "This always happens."
• If I wasn't punished enough: The lack of pain was proof the debt was so vast, it required my personal attention (Self-punishment). Outcome: "This always happens."
• If I punished myself: The act of self-harm was proof of a monstrous nature, requiring more punishment. Outcome: "This always happens."
• If I lacked the energy to punish myself: The exhaustion and desire to disappear was its own form of payment through self-erasure. Outcome: "This always happens."

I'd have given my life to fix a broken plate, amend a mistake, take words back. I thought of it so many times. When I break something, if a broken shard cuts me then I feel like I paid in blood, and the debt was settled. But no sane person would take my offer and that's the painful beauty. I am always in debt; I am always trying to redeem myself.

I may offer them my blood, then they'll look baffled and reject it. "Maybe it wasn't enough".
Then I'll offer my flesh, then they'll look baffled and reject it. "Maybe it wasn't enough".
Then I'll offer my life, then they'll look baffled and reject it. "Maybe it wasn't enough".
Then I'll have nothing else to give.
The most valuable thing I could give was not enough.​

And yes, it is a fallacy, the issue is not that it was not enough, the issue is that it is too much. No one will accept my life for a broken plate or glass, but here I am, holding it to them, hoping for them to take it.
My life feels like a currency or a sacrificial item that is there just waiting to be taken by something or someone. I feel like dying for something or someone else would give meaning to everything, with complete disregard for my own future. If I could give myself a reason, even something fake like "it's for the best, for them," and do something, then it would give meaning to everything and allow me to choose a meaningful resolution.

If someone, anyone, can relate to this, please feel free to reach out, maybe we can talk? If not, then it's okay, I am just testing the waters.