hallowed_
local stupid
- Jun 7, 2023
- 17
I don't know whether I'd call it relief but I've been doing sh for about close to a year. Initially it was rage at myself, anger at the consequences of my actions. Around that time it was when I felt it. I tied up a noose around november last year and stood there with the rope on my neck and like a step away from falling. I didn't feel anything for the first time in years. i felt relief. the sharp pain in my chest was gone it felt like a weight was taken off my shoulders and i litteraly stood there watching my shadow on the wall and being at complete peace with my thoughs. I felt so empty inside that it was almost a miracle with how often I drive myself crazy with my emotions. In the end though I got away and ended up doing sh as some sort of punishment. I tried many things to try and recreate that state and a month after that incident I still hadn't recreated that emptiness after many different tries. As a matter of fact I felt guilty because I was told by a close friend to take care of myself and to not do anything stupid. I don't know why but that hit me and it hit me really hard. I felt so guilty abt it all. But at one point the dread just kept getting worse and I felt like I was genuinely driving myself insane. I wanted to stop overthinking and stop just exiting because it was so painful and it felt like my thoughts and fantasies where driving me to insanity. At that stage I decided to ctb by august. I'm going on a rant here but I really just want to lay it all out abt this relief I've been seeking for years. Initially it was going to be during my birthday. Was planning on going to a nice hotel and jumping off but guess who got ground floors twice in two completly different states. I though a lot through those days and decide to shove it off and try to have fun for once and I did. Once we returned though, the dread started again. I would spend one week waiting for that friend to respond back while I was slowly being eaten alive until they came back and I would recover a little bit and then back again into the loop of waiting another week. For months I guess I started to become immune to the happiness I felt from them started to become seeking that sense of relief again once. And then it happened. Was traveling with some family when We were looking down from abt a 9 floor parking garage and I felt it again. It was more like fear this time like a weird mix of dread and excitement . After a while I was pulled away by a family member but I kept thinking about it the whole day. Since then I been desperate to feel like that again. I wanted to feel anything but this horrifying sense of dread & sharp pain in my body that I've been feelings for years. A relief I never felt as a child when everyhting around me kept spinning faster out of control. So I tried another approach thinking it wouldn't work because of how guilty it makes me feel, I Picked up the largest sharpest knife I have and starting cutting. This time without any anger or any sense of punishment behind it. No, I was doing it just for the sake of doing it. And I suddenly started crying. My arms ached & burned but my whole upper body felt so relieved again. The sting felt like it has relieved any sort of pain from my body and limbs. I wnated to feel like this so bad it and I just spilled all my tears out and pain out but it felt great. It's been weeks and I've fallen into a habit of doing sh occasionally to lift that weight up my shoulders. I've cried the last few weeks more than I have my entire life. I'm writing this because I want that relief and emptiness more than anything now. I'll prob end things soon too. It's not out of pain, out of disappointment or as a punishments to myself; it's because I feel nothing towards living anymore. Why go back to that constant cycle of pain back and forth forever? Hell, the idea of dying even feels slightly amusing to me now. It's so wierd. It feels relieving. I want it so bad because I know there's no point to looking forward to anything anymore. It's almost funny to me how obvious the answer is to me now. I'm not encouraging sh but I'm hoping for happiness and relief to anyone who's going through anything similar. Do as I say not as I do. Please take care and remember that ctb is a choice with responsibility. This website has helped me heal so much over the last few months and find support for something that I would've been shamed upon if talked abt anywhere else. Please take care if this is my last post. It's been great folks 
