⋆♡⋆ riri ⋆♡⋆
huh?
- Sep 10, 2023
- 24
i feel like trash. today was my first therapy session but it was just the intake one so it was mostly just questions. my parents set this up so now there's another thing my mother can hold over my head and use as a bargaining chip. i hate this so much. i feel so ashamed and stupid and gay. i never had any good opinions about therapy. in all honesty i'm a little bigoted and hold anything related to mental health in very low esteem. so now i feel like a fucking loser for "needing" therapy. my father already paid a $50 copay afaik. $50 against me. i know he wants to help me but it's my mother that's making me second guess everything. the session itself wasn't bad at all, it was just a little crazy how said therapist knows a lot of the things i'm involved in. she used to coach track, her family's a soccer family, she goes to the same church as my family for crying out loud. she's just so close to home and she's christian so like. i don't know if i want to talk to her about my skepticism in our faith. it feels wrong, like telling someone their cooking is just "okay" to their face. it's just. ew.
i want to isolate and fall off the face of the earth. i want to disappear. i don't want anyone to see me or talk to me or reach out. there's a part of me that wants someone to notice, but it's been so long that i barely hear that little voice in the back of my head anymore. i want to be as alone as i feel. then there wouldn't be so much dissonance around me. things will make sense, because things don't make sense right now. i'm not alone but i feel like i am sometimes. like i really don't have anybody. i know i could message like a handful of people or just respond to the replies under my vent posts on twitter, but for some reason tonight, i don't want to do that. i think i just like the attention. i want to know people worry for me while i'm gone. but even when they do i still feel hollow. i just hurt people and stress them out for no reason because their reactions never satisfy me in the end. it's nice in the moment but it doesn't last. i suck. i hate myself. i hate what i let myself become. but then again, i've never seen a future for myself, so maybe this is exactly where i'm meant to be. stuck.
i wanted to work and pay off all of my student loans, but then i wanted to go back to school. so i was going to try and do both but i ended up quitting my part time job. now i'm jobless and out of school. i'm doing nothing and i'm wasting even more of my parents' resources. i'm just. a waste. of a human being, of a daughter, of oxygen of literally everything. i'm a waste. i serve no purpose. i don't even want anything. i mean, i wish i could have like a million dollars. even just like $100 would solve a few problems for me right now. but all i do is sit and complain about things i have the power to change, and i never make any attempts to alleviate my burdens. why am i like this? i'm not disciplined. i'm ungrateful. i don't value the things i have. i don't have it hard enough. i'm not struggling enough. i have too much to realize how good i have it. my life is good and i'm still failing. how does this happen? it's my fault. everything bad in my life is my fault and it always has been and it always will be. it's me. i'm the problem. i'm always wrong. i'm never right.
i wish someone could fill me with what i'm lacking. i wish i could stop being hollow. i wish i wish i wish i wish. i wish and i want but it's not enough. i don't do anything. i am nothing. i need to vanish. i had motivation not to die before. i wanted to be debt free before i died, but now the possibility of doing that seems more out of reach by the day. i know realistically it's not something that isn't doable. i can totally pay everything off. it's just that. i don't want to. because i'm lazy, and i'd rather take the easy way out. but if i do that i'll be leaving my family with my debt, even more money coming out of their pockets. at this point i'm literally just burning their money. they keep wasting it. maybe i'll leave them with my debt but it might be a better price to pay. they can pay that off and not have to worry about me screwing up ever again. they won't have any more debt on my end. i'm one less mouth to feed, one less electric bill, one less vehicle and bedroom occupied. i'd be freeing up so much for my brother. then my parents wouldn't have to worry about focusing on me for anything and all of their efforts can go to him, as they should.
i feel so worthless. i am so worthless. i serve no purpose there is no purpose for me. i was born to die early. i can't do anything else. i hate myself. i hope i don't wake up, and if i do, i'll keep hoping something bad happens to me. i'll keep waiting for my life to end. or maybe i'll finally have the courage to just do it myself instead of larping as a suicidal person. i don't know. am i even suicidal? i just want to stop existing. is that the same thing? probably not. whatever. i'm going to bed. here's to hoping.
i want to isolate and fall off the face of the earth. i want to disappear. i don't want anyone to see me or talk to me or reach out. there's a part of me that wants someone to notice, but it's been so long that i barely hear that little voice in the back of my head anymore. i want to be as alone as i feel. then there wouldn't be so much dissonance around me. things will make sense, because things don't make sense right now. i'm not alone but i feel like i am sometimes. like i really don't have anybody. i know i could message like a handful of people or just respond to the replies under my vent posts on twitter, but for some reason tonight, i don't want to do that. i think i just like the attention. i want to know people worry for me while i'm gone. but even when they do i still feel hollow. i just hurt people and stress them out for no reason because their reactions never satisfy me in the end. it's nice in the moment but it doesn't last. i suck. i hate myself. i hate what i let myself become. but then again, i've never seen a future for myself, so maybe this is exactly where i'm meant to be. stuck.
i wanted to work and pay off all of my student loans, but then i wanted to go back to school. so i was going to try and do both but i ended up quitting my part time job. now i'm jobless and out of school. i'm doing nothing and i'm wasting even more of my parents' resources. i'm just. a waste. of a human being, of a daughter, of oxygen of literally everything. i'm a waste. i serve no purpose. i don't even want anything. i mean, i wish i could have like a million dollars. even just like $100 would solve a few problems for me right now. but all i do is sit and complain about things i have the power to change, and i never make any attempts to alleviate my burdens. why am i like this? i'm not disciplined. i'm ungrateful. i don't value the things i have. i don't have it hard enough. i'm not struggling enough. i have too much to realize how good i have it. my life is good and i'm still failing. how does this happen? it's my fault. everything bad in my life is my fault and it always has been and it always will be. it's me. i'm the problem. i'm always wrong. i'm never right.
i wish someone could fill me with what i'm lacking. i wish i could stop being hollow. i wish i wish i wish i wish. i wish and i want but it's not enough. i don't do anything. i am nothing. i need to vanish. i had motivation not to die before. i wanted to be debt free before i died, but now the possibility of doing that seems more out of reach by the day. i know realistically it's not something that isn't doable. i can totally pay everything off. it's just that. i don't want to. because i'm lazy, and i'd rather take the easy way out. but if i do that i'll be leaving my family with my debt, even more money coming out of their pockets. at this point i'm literally just burning their money. they keep wasting it. maybe i'll leave them with my debt but it might be a better price to pay. they can pay that off and not have to worry about me screwing up ever again. they won't have any more debt on my end. i'm one less mouth to feed, one less electric bill, one less vehicle and bedroom occupied. i'd be freeing up so much for my brother. then my parents wouldn't have to worry about focusing on me for anything and all of their efforts can go to him, as they should.
i feel so worthless. i am so worthless. i serve no purpose there is no purpose for me. i was born to die early. i can't do anything else. i hate myself. i hope i don't wake up, and if i do, i'll keep hoping something bad happens to me. i'll keep waiting for my life to end. or maybe i'll finally have the courage to just do it myself instead of larping as a suicidal person. i don't know. am i even suicidal? i just want to stop existing. is that the same thing? probably not. whatever. i'm going to bed. here's to hoping.
