Discussion Beautiful people

[Alyatl]

I guess I'm conventionally attractive, I don't seem to have an issue with looks and I get compliments all the time but fuck, mental illness doesn't discriminate. Beauty doesn't shield you from trauma, it doesn't prevent assaults and it doesn't prevent childhood neglect. I couldn't say "if only I was prettier, none of this would happen to me", it's irrational. My mental illness has been undermined by people who think "you're too pretty to have these issues", and if anything that made it worse for me. I was overlooked for years.

 

[ForensicallyAware]

If you're attractive or rich you'll get less sympathy
That is just the way it is
Unfair
Just as it is unfair that beauty brings people unearned advantages

I stated that I did not deny that their issues were real to them and having been on the loony ward I have personally witnessed the way life can crucify people rich or not young or not attractive or not

So don't accuse me of saying and believing things I don't

 

[muffin222]

I guess I'm conventionally attractive, I don't seem to have an issue with looks and I get compliments all the time but fuck, mental illness doesn't discriminate. Beauty doesn't shield you from trauma, it doesn't prevent assaults and it doesn't prevent childhood neglect. I couldn't say "if only I was prettier, none of this would happen to me", it's irrational. My mental illness has been undermined by people who think "you're too pretty to have these issues", and if anything that made it worse for me. I was overlooked for years.

Yes, exactly. Being overlooked and invalidated and undermined is a big factor in this debate that people overlook

 

[s1mplem3]

Ugly people deserve death more than beautiful? Don't judge please.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

At the risk of adding fuel to the fire, I'm feeling kind of invalidated myself. I hope its ok if I share a bit more cos this is eating away at me. FWIW I had a traumatic and neglectful upbringing, but nothing like as bad as what other people describe in this thread.

I know that pretty people feel the same pain and suffering and go through the same trauma, and also that it probably is burdensome in many ways as people have described. I wouldn't want to tell another person who feels the way I do or worse that whats they've been through doesn't count.

There are whole parts of life though - really important experiences that are a core part of the human condition, that are kind of closed off to some people.

I know its incredibly shallow to blame it on looks alone, but that isn't really what I mean...

I know that people can be in relationships and still feel lonely and unlovable, etc... but surely some part of them has felt, even if just for a moment, that it was posible that another person might want them.

I really sincerely despise the part of me that does this to myself, but just looking at pretty people hurts. It feels the same as anxiety - a burning in my chest. Maybe I feel threatened in some way. I fixate on that one part of them - imagining what it might be like to be good enough.

I know its ridiculous and probably offensive to those people who have real problems, but I feel sort of sub-human. I feel like I dont belong. Like I'm unwelcome in the presence of my betters. I feel like if they noticed I was there they'd react badly -

I know this makes me a bad person - to project all this horrible stuff onto other people. I can help but feel this way though, and it has a great deal of control over me and my mood.

Am I the only one? Does any of this make sense to anyone? I accept that I'm a worthless idiot and I should probably just shut up.

 

[TooLate2582]

People tell me I'm attractive but body dysmorphia says otherwise.

 

[Emily_Numb]

I honestly cannot believe this is even a thread on here! How can you be that naive as to think that looks have anything to do with mental illness or suicidal tendencies?! The only link to 'looks' would be BDD which isn't always the sole purpose for suicide, more often there are other issues. I find this outlook kind of ignorant to be honest with you.

 

[TooLate2582]

I honestly cannot believe this is even a thread on here! How can you be that naive as to think that looks have anything to do with mental illness or suicidal tendencies?! The only link to 'looks' would be BDD which isn't always the sole purpose for suicide, more often there are other issues. I find this outlook kind of ignorant to be honest with you.

My BDD isn't even a factor for me. Like, it's a pain but no where on the list. People tell me I'm attractive. I have no trouble getting laid. Still a disgusting blob in the mirror. Like, I love the physical validation but I always feel it's for pity or whatever.

I'm a dumpster fire.

 

[Emily_Numb]

My BDD isn't even a factor for me. Like, it's a pain but no where on the list. People tell me I'm attractive. I have no trouble getting laid. Still a disgusting blob in the mirror. Like, I love the physical validation but I always feel it's for pity or whatever.

I'm a dumpster fire.

Same for me, totally. I am pretty convinced I have undiagnosed BDD. I could get laid with ease and get plenty of attention for my looks, I enjoy the validation but it doesn't change the reflection I see in the mirror. Having said that, my BDD symptoms would in no way drive me to Suicide at this point.

 

[Alyatl]

My BDD isn't even a factor for me. Like, it's a pain but no where on the list. People tell me I'm attractive. I have no trouble getting laid. Still a disgusting blob in the mirror. Like, I love the physical validation but I always feel it's for pity or whatever.

I'm a dumpster fire.

ugh I feel this. I have anorexia and my god I can't look at myself in the mirror, and I need constant validation but it changes nothing. I can't even allow myself to get laid anymore because of how hideous I feel. This kind of shit is subjective, and that subjective reality you live, while it may not adhere to the "actual world" or how you "actually" look, can be that shitty to the point that it doesn't matter how others see you, imo.

it's not on my list but it sure as hell adds a whole other flavour of pain to day-to-day living

 

[dandan]

Attitude, points of view, feelings above looks, but looks are like a first step validation , an entry point.

 

[NotMemorableEnough]

I honestly cannot believe this is even a thread on here! How can you be that naive as to think that looks have anything to do with mental illness or suicidal tendencies?! The only link to 'looks' would be BDD which isn't always the sole purpose for suicide, more often there are other issues. I find this outlook kind of ignorant to be honest with you.

I think it's more about acceptance and loneliness.
They think they'll lose their loneliness with being attractive and get easily accepted in society.

 

[262653]

Judging by the compliments I've gathered throughout my life I'd say I'm conventionally attractive, but I'm not going to downplay or exaggerate the usefulness of looks since it was already done a couple of times here, and I didn't even read all posts.

I know that mental health and life don't discriminate, but also have this deep core belief that good looks and being desired are the way to happiness (for me anyway).

I feel similar way about intelligence because I believe it allows to process life stuff better and come up with better solutions. I also believe that it's better not to have any intelligence (not being alive), but now that we're here, higher INT sounds to me preferable to lower. I'm trying not to lash out on smarter (in my view) people just because I'm envious. But I don't envy materially rich people, for example, or people who claim to live happy and fulfilling lives...

I'm assuming you want to stop feeling bad about how you look comparatively to others, considering that retroactive fixes are not an option since we can't time tavel... maybe. (I'm not offering any solutions, just talking.) I'm going to play the fatalist card. I believe that we don't get to choose what we value, just as we didn't get to choose how we look. And feeling bad about not having something you'd like to have is inevitable, I guess. At least if you don't know how to deal this emotion. There's a simple word for this whole situation -- tragedy xD

I wanted to say how my envy for smart people got alleviated over the course of time, but I don't really know how it happened.

I want some things that I value and don't have, but I don't feel bad right now. Could be because I'm well fed, exercised and took a shower. When I'm feeling alright physiologically, I tend to feel at least alright psychologically.

The post turned out a bit messy, as expected. Bits of information pulled out of context from the train of thought. I'm going to send it anyway. What are my losses, essentially?

It reads to me as passive-aggressive. Why not ball up and say they're not really suffering, that they're both entitled and ignorant of their own lived experience? Why deny that you're denying as you're denying?

II think your shit hurts so much that for you, for now, nothing can compare, and how dare it for comparing. How dare it not show you sympathy, and in fact expect empathy? How dare it not acknowledge it stepped on your teeter-totter on your playground and try to weigh as much as your side if not more, even though it didn know there's even a teeter-totter or a playground? I think you want to lash out and sting another, and attempt to plausibly deny there was any such intent, let alone that blood was drawn. I'm sorry that you hurt so much. I'm sorry you hurt back.

Ahh, music for my weary ears. I like you.

 

[adam&eve]

I just wanted to know more about how being beautiful, and thus desired, impacted on mental health. Like any factor or trait eg. beauty, health, wealth, status, popularity, height, weight, penis/breast size etc. they can all have a detrimental effect on mental health.

Very interesting topic. I agree with you, having dysphoria and being unattractive can have a devastating effect on mental health solely and sure if it weren't for such looks- that one who has this condition would be relieved of their problems and thus happy.

That being said pretty people can be ill and depressed, too... but they will not experience this depression to be linked with their looks. In that respect they are blessed.

as someone put it very wisely - you can be ugly and miserable and pretty and miserable but one would always choose the latter. It sure makes things easier in the same way having limbs makes things easier.

The first and foremost thing we have in this life is our body - us, and it is very fortunate when this is something we love and accept. Mental problems can be fixed, but a body stays more or less the same the whole of your life.

 

[Weary Soul]

Sighs.. I most likely have an unpopular view on this.

When I was younger, I was told that I was beautiful. I had long curly blond hair, blue/green/yellow eyes that changed with the light or my mood, and a slim, yet hour-glass figure. Wherever I went, I turned heads and that felt incredibly invasive.

In fact, at the ripe old age of 3, a man who was older than my mother said that I was the sexiest child that he had ever seen.

O.O​

When I hit my early 20's, men used to stop me in the street to tell me how beautiful I was. One man, with whom I had not spoken more than three sentences, told me he wanted me as his wife. He clearly did not know me, and because of this, it was very clear that he did not admire or like my personality, he just wanted arm candy and bragging rights.

Ick, just ick​

This was a long time ago.

Now, I am much older and my looks are slowly fading. I am actually relived and grateful.

I am finally free and know that those who appreciate me, do so because of who I am on the inside instead of what I look like.

I am also finally free to meet people's eyes, smile at them, be kind to them without the assumption that I am giving some sort of signal of encouragement that is woefully misinterpreted that I am interested in them in a romantic way, and no longer feel threatened that I am going to be assaulted solely because of my looks.

One stark memory that, to this day still haunts me was when my brother, to up his "social cred," tried sell me to his friends when I was 12 years old. Jesus, I had not even reached reproductive potential at that point in my life.

Another sad thing to being pretty, my mother was jealous of me. She did everything she could to put me down and make my life miserable, including cutting my hair to about a half inch length and insisting that I wear boyish clothes when I was in grade school. She also insisted I was fat. It does not surprise me that people mistook me for a boy during that time. I was also severely bullied by females in my class. I am damaged to this day because of this.

All I wanted when I was younger was a sense that I was free to be me - but, because of my looks, I always had to be careful and hide behind a mask, even with my father, mother, and brother.

Our culture is rife with the ludicrous, subliminal pressures that one needs to meet the impossible beauty standards that are prevalent in social media to have any sort of quality life. So many people long for that beauty in the misguided thought that it will make life easier. In some ways they are right, being beautiful can give one a step-up in life. However, what they may not realize, is that beauty can also be a curse and can come with a very, very steep price IME.

 

[Meditation guide]

Being unusually good looking means people are always looking at you, and sometimes you get weird reactions from people.

 

[no 4mat]

I hate my looks I'm probably the ugliest guy on SS.

 

[Intotheflames]

Beautiful people ctb because their issues have got nothing to do with their looks. I am good looking enough for my gender except that it's not the gender I identify with. If anything it's what stopping me to be who I wish to be. People also make assumptions based on my look, e.g how I must have lots of partners, and that suffocates me. On top of that I myself am dirt poor so unless I am gonna be a sex worker my appearance doesn't mean much to my life.

 

[Meditation guide]

On top of that I myself am dirt poor so unless I am gonna be a sex worker my appearance doesn't mean much to my life.

Exactly. Most of the time it doesn't make any difference.

 

[adam&eve]

Sighs.. I most likely have an unpopular view on this.

When I was younger, I was told that I was beautiful. I had long curly blond hair, blue/green/yellow eyes that changed with the light or my mood, and a slim, yet hour-glass figure. Wherever I went, I turned heads and that felt incredibly invasive.

In fact, at the ripe old age of 3, a man who was older than my mother said that I was the sexiest child that he had ever seen.

O.O​

When I hit my early 20's, men used to stop me in the street to tell me how beautiful I was. One man, with whom I had not spoken more than three sentences, told me he wanted me as his wife. He clearly did not know me, and because of this, it was very clear that he did not admire or like my personality, he just wanted arm candy and bragging rights.

Ick, just ick​

This was a long time ago.

Now, I am much older and my looks are slowly fading. I am actually relived and grateful.

I am finally free and know that those who appreciate me, do so because of who I am on the inside instead of what I look like.

I am also finally free to meet people's eyes, smile at them, be kind to them without the assumption that I am giving some sort of signal of encouragement that is woefully misinterpreted that I am interested in them in a romantic way, and no longer feel threatened that I am going to be assaulted solely because of my looks.

One stark memory that, to this day still haunts me was when my brother, to up his "social cred," tried sell me to his friends when I was 12 years old. Jesus, I had not even reached reproductive potential at that point in my life.

Another sad thing to being pretty, my mother was jealous of me. She did everything she could to put me down and make my life miserable, including cutting my hair to about a half inch length and insisting that I wear boyish clothes when I was in grade school. She also insisted I was fat. It does not surprise me that people mistook me for a boy during that time. I was also severely bullied by females in my class. I am damaged to this day because of this.

All I wanted when I was younger was a sense that I was free to be me - but, because of my looks, I always had to be careful and hide behind a mask, even with my father, mother, and brother.

Our culture is rife with the ludicrous, subliminal pressures that one needs to meet the impossible beauty standards that are prevalent in social media to have any sort of quality life. So many people long for that beauty in the misguided thought that it will make life easier. In some ways they are right, being beautiful can give one a step-up in life. However, what they may not realize, is that beauty can also be a curse and can come with a very, very steep price IME.

You could have been a model, earned a lot of money and move from toxic people in your life and not care for them anymore.

The same way as people looked up at you because you were beautiful, in the same manner ugly people are discriminated and looked down on. I would say that is harder because on top of it they have to deal with self-hatred and self-disgust. Everyone can have it difficult, of course, but it still is better to be miserable because of pretty than because of ugly, in my opinion.
Just take a look at this thread:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-hate-my-body.29473/#post-700745

 

[Amumu]

You could have been a model, earned a lot of money and move from toxic people in your life and not care for them anymore.

The same way as people looked up at you because you were beautiful, in the same manner ugly people are discriminated and looked down on. I would say that is harder because on top of it they have to deal with self-hatred and self-disgust. Everyone can have it difficult, of course, but it still is better to be miserable because of pretty than because of ugly, in my opinion.
Just take a look at this thread:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-hate-my-body.29473/#post-700745

I'd add that we should stop making competitions to see who suffers the most, because it leads us nowhere.
Social media isn't the only problem btw. It would be great if it were only about that.

 

[Frauw]

I wish the bitterness and problem comparison's would stop, especially when you know nothing about somebody elses life. You can never truely feel how another person feels, only empathise at best.

 

[Symbiote]

I'm ugly as hell too, but I'm also used as a sex object for some odd reason. Must be the package I'm holding down there, but something I noticed in day to day life is that attractive people are catered to more than the average or below average person. Whether it's in medical care, jobs, or the social circle, attractiveness checks a lot of boxes in this world. The tragic side are the ones who are empaths and beautiful, but want others to see them for their personality instead of an accessory on someone's arm. They are misheard, told to bury it, or say that others have it worse. Their feelings are minimized just like if they were an unattractive person.

Both sides have the same resources, attractive people get more resources, but the attitude is still the same. Platitudes, endless cliches, and empty advice. I feel if we drop whatever expectations that we have of people and stop comparing, then we can all get along. I'm ugly, I look like a topographical map of Deadpool's face, but I don't let that stop me anymore like I did before.

 

[Weary Soul]

You could have been a model, earned a lot of money and move from toxic people in your life and not care for them anymore.

The same way as people looked up at you because you were beautiful, in the same manner ugly people are discriminated and looked down on. I would say that is harder because on top of it they have to deal with self-hatred and self-disgust. Everyone can have it difficult, of course, but it still is better to be miserable because of pretty than because of ugly, in my opinion.
Just take a look at this thread:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-hate-my-body.29473/#post-700745

No I couldn't have been a model. I did not meet the societal standards required to be a model. I did not have the minimum height requirement (I am 5'4") and was not emaciated (BMI of 20 mg/kg^2). Nor would I have wanted to be one - this field is rife with corruption. (Think of being required to deal with someone like Harvey Weinstein simply to get your foot in the door).

On the one hand being modelling may seem like easy money, but they likely have many problems, some of which I also faced: To really make a lot of money in this field, one has to be a "top model" - and climbing the ladder to attain that status is cut-throat and extremely rare; one must be comfortable with nuditity (ie, being comfortable being naked in front of a bunch of strangers or a photographer (which I could never do- if you read the nuances of my posts you will understand why); being bullied; being thought of as nothing more than as a means to someone else's end/selling high-end expensive products that are not really needed; and sickeningly, having to deal with the Harvey Weinstein's in the industry, because money rules.

Maybe I could have been a eye, foot, or hair model - but my self confidence was non-existent, and according to my mother and brother, I was fat and ugly. And I think it is noteworthy that many people who do not meet societal norms that define who is pretty and who is not, have made a good living as an actor in movies - and isn't ironic that many who have done this are now considered "beautiful."

Do people who are pretty have some aspects to life that are easier? No doubts, but is it really easier, or does it come with a host of different but no less significant problems? From my own experience, people looked down on me because of my looks, I was labeled a dumb blond, ignorant, useless, etc. Just because I happened to have what some would consider a pretty meat suit.

You know what I would have really liked - to be recognized for my mind instead of my looks and what I could have contributed to society in a meaningful qualitative/quantitative way, regardless of the meat suit I was born with - and I suspect the same is true for those who do not meet the ridiculous standards of beauty dictated by our society.

Now that I think about it, it seems to me that we are not so different after all - we are fighting to be seen for who we are inside and not what is on the surface.

I do hear and understand your point of view and what you said is well taken. Maybe you are right as I cannot really truly know what other's go through because of their surface appearance. I can only explain some of the myths that surround being "pretty." To me, no matter what one looks like, society really needs a wake-up call and learn to respect who we are on the inside. SMH - societal norms are so very shallow IMO.

(Please know that I am not trying to say who has it worse or better/competing. I think people on either side of the spectrum have it bad. Apologies if I was misunderstood here.)

<3

I have yet to see an ugly person here - to me, you are all beautiful. I am so sorry that life has labeled you with this misnomer. You all deserve so much better!

(Apologies, I accidentally repeated my post here - I deleted it.)

Love and peace to all of you :)

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Given the choice of a beautiful woman or one with a personality and is fun to be with l'll take the one with a personality anyday, looks really don't mean shit to me!

 

[adam&eve]

No I couldn't have been a model. I did not meet the societal standards required to be a model. I did not have the minimum height requirement (I am 5'4") and was not emaciated (BMI of 20 mg/kg^2). Nor would I have wanted to be one - this field is rife with corruption. (Think of being required to deal with someone like Harvey Weinstein simply to get your foot in the door).

On the one hand being modelling may seem like easy money, but they likely have many problems, some of which I also faced: To really make a lot of money in this field, one has to be a "top model" - and climbing the ladder to attain that status is cut-throat and extremely rare; one must be comfortable with nuditity (ie, being comfortable being naked in front of a bunch of strangers or a photographer (which I could never do- if you read the nuances of my posts you will understand why); being bullied; being thought of as nothing more than as a means to someone else's end/selling high-end expensive products that are not really needed; and sickeningly, having to deal with the Harvey Weinstein's in the industry, because money rules.

Maybe I could have been a eye, foot, or hair model - but my self confidence was non-existent, and according to my mother and brother, I was fat and ugly. And I think it is noteworthy that many people who do not meet societal norms that define who is pretty and who is not, have made a good living as an actor in movies - and isn't ironic that many who have done this are now considered "beautiful."

Do people who are pretty have some aspects to life that are easier? No doubts, but is it really easier, or does it come with a host of different but no less significant problems? From my own experience, people looked down on me because of my looks, I was labeled a dumb blond, ignorant, useless, etc. Just because I happened to have what some would consider a pretty meat suit.

You know what I would have really liked - to be recognized for my mind instead of my looks and what I could have contributed to society in a meaningful qualitative/quantitative way, regardless of the meat suit I was born with - and I suspect the same is true for those who do not meet the ridiculous standards of beauty dictated by our society.

Now that I think about it, it seems to me that we are not so different after all - we are fighting to be seen for who we are inside and not what is on the surface.

I do hear and understand your point of view and what you said is well taken. Maybe you are right as I cannot really truly know what other's go through because of their surface appearance. I can only explain some of the myths that surround being "pretty." To me, no matter what one looks like, society really needs a wake-up call and learn to respect who we are on the inside. SMH - societal norms are so very shallow IMO.

(Please know that I am not trying to say who has it worse or better/competing. I think people on either side of the spectrum have it bad. Apologies if I was misunderstood here.)

<3

I have yet to see an ugly person here - to me, you are all beautiful. I am so sorry that life has labeled you with this misnomer. You all deserve so much better!

(Apologies, I accidentally repeated my post here - I deleted it.)

Love and peace to all of you :)

I have read all your two simmilar posts, and I was very baffled by that part where you described what you experienced as a 5 year old. I am so very sorry you had to go through that. And saddened.

I am also sorry that you didn't have the surroundings you deserve in your life or people that deserve you and that you had to experience evil and jealousy of people because of your beauty. That must have hurt.

You should have been encouraged and loved, everyone deserves that, and it should not have been the opposite, that you felt uneasy because of your beauty.
Your case shows that everyone can be bullied in school, not just the "ugly" ones and that this memory sticks forever and hurts.

I hope now you have people who love you because of you, but I wouldn't say necessarily that it would be a bad thing if they would like your appearance because it is kind of an unspoken of truth that our appearance is part of our personality, our personality traits and it's not wrong for someone to love that as well as other things on you because when we like someone we usually like them holistically.

Thank you for putting out here your story and sharing it.

I myself have been an ugly teenager and hated myself for existing. When I got older my looks got better and my mental state got better along. I do know there can be people that are only interested in your looks alone but that really didn't matter to me cause I felt so much better, at least I didn't feel like some kind of a trash creature. That being said, I still do have issues.

But the torment of living in a body you feel awkward in is very hard, and at least in my experience, the effect that self-acceptance has on personality and mental health is immense. So I am judging solely by my own experience and because of that please excuse me.

I'm inclined to think that I would have signed up to endure just about anything just to be given the privilege to be born beautiful.

 

[greebo6]

If I was beautiful/good looking instead of being ugly (as I am) I would give life another chance and stay around.

 

[Weary Soul]

.. I hope now you have people who love you because of you, but I wouldn't say necessarily that it would be a bad thing if they would like your appearance because it is kind of an unspoken of truth that our appearance is part of our personality, our personality traits and it's not wrong for someone to love that as well as other things on you because when we like someone we usually like them holistically...

I wish I did have some sort of help/unconditional love in life, but I have no one, and despite my efforts to get help, I have been shot down sometimes with such nastiness I have been left in shock (ie, despite asking and explaining my situation due to the TBIs I have sustained, I have had absolutely no help or support irl.)

It really shocks me because if I know someone irl who needs help. I will help them in a heartbeat and I will do it to the best of my ability. I just do not understand humans that ignore others in need/pain and their outright refusal to help them. And this does not mean money per se.... sometimes all that a person needs is someone who will listen.

Sighs, sorry I am exhausted and in pain today so I am not sure if I am making much sense here.

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful response. <3

 

[adam&eve]

I wish I did have some sort of help/unconditional love in life, but I have no one, and despite my efforts to get help, I have been shot down sometimes with such nastiness I have been left in shock (ie, despite asking and explaining my situation due to the TBIs I have sustained, I have had absolutely no help or support irl.)

It really shocks me because if I know someone irl who needs help. I will help them in a heartbeat and I will do it to the best of my ability. I just do not understand humans that ignore others in need/pain and their outright refusal to help them. And this does not mean money per se.... sometimes all that a person needs is someone who will listen.

Sighs, sorry I am exhausted and in pain today so I am not sure if I am making much sense here.

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful response. <3

I just can't believe it... I hope you will find a friend or love IRL eventually. I'm a bit shocked, everybody finds somebody... but that being said, I feel that the people who understand me the most are from this site. I wish you luck.

 

[Weary Soul]

I just can't believe it... I hope you will find a friend or love IRL eventually. I'm a bit shocked, everybody finds somebody... but that being said, I feel that the people who understand me the most are from this site. I wish you luck.

I was raised by an extremely abusive father, covertly abusive mother, and had a sociopathic brother.

The man-child I eventually married has severe rage issues. He broke my ribs and caused the most severe of the TBIs I had (an internal brain bleed - acute on chronic subdural hematoma). I needed an emergency craniotomy, was in the hospital for a month, and in a coma and on life support for ~2 weeks. I was not expected to live (I wish I had not),

It did not stop there. A year and a half ago, I was given a med in the hospital that I should not have been given because of my condition (and this was clearly stated in the packed insert). Within 45 minutes of taking the med, I had a grand mal seizure where I sustained yet another severe head injury and crushed a tooth when I fell from a standing position to a concrete floor. Afterwards, I was staying with my ex's 80+ year-old mother because I needed to be watched for additional seizures. She was a former nurse and I had no where else to go.

One night, about 2-3 weeks after the in-hospital seizure, I was in a lot of pain and told him that I was too tired walk the dogs that night and that I would take them out to the yard instead.

Oh wow, he screamed at me at the top of his lungs calling me every nasty name you can think of. When I tried to walk away to avoid his rage, he followed me all the while continuing to scream at the top of his lungs and then shoved me so hard that I stumbled backwards hard, and almost hit my head yet again.

When I told him that that what he had done was assault, he replied "No it isn't, I didn't hurt you." I responded "Oh yes it is," and I kid you not, within 2 seconds he looked down at the floor and lied saying: "I never touched you." Gaslighting at its best.

Because of all of the abusers in my life, the bullying, the assaults, etc ad nauseam, I am pretty much a recluse now. I do realize that because of my early life I was predisposed to marry someone similar to my biologic abusers, and even though I knew this, I STILL fell into that pattern (mad at myself there).

So now I have huge trust issues, feel completely and utterly broken, and want to end my existence. Although, like you, I have found a refuge in this place :)

At this time, I do not want others in my life - not because they are abusive per se, but because I no longer trust my judgment.

Sighs.... I apologize for the long post. Thank you for thinking of me and your kindness, it means more than I can adequately convey.