Beaten Down

[Lily (Osako)]

Today is one of those days where no matter how hard I try to find something, anything good, a silver lining, something to give me hope, ANYTHING, and one thing after another just beats me down mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically.
I'm so disheartened. I feel so broken in every way.
I just can't hope anymore. I can't dream or imagine better. The world has won. I have no fight left in me.

 

[todiefor]

I'm sorry you feel so terrible, we r here to chat

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I'm sorry you feel so terrible, we r here to chat

Thank you.
I just feel so demoralized right now. I don't know how to describe it. It's not sadness or depression. It's just the feeling of utter defeat. I've never experienced this feeling before. It's even different from apathy. It feels lower? I don't have the words to describe it.
Have you felt like this before?

 

[stage4johnny]

Yes!

 

[todiefor]

Hey lily,

I think I've not felt this before but certainly lately yes. Like nothing has worked, you try and try so hard in your life but there is no end to the trying and everyday feels like a defeat. Like you are just so tired just want to close your eyes and have the day be over except time passes so so slowly.

My partner packed up and left 2 days ago, and I tried very very hard to make them happy and everyday I'm told I'm not doing it right and then in the end apparently nothing I did at all mattered. So utter demoralising defeat. Like everything about me is poison

Like you said, like your heart has been beaten down with a stick everyday, and you keep standing up and fighting, then the fight is over and you realise you died already a while ago

 

[Lily (Osako)]

Hey lily,

I think I've not felt this before but certainly lately yes. Like nothing has worked, you try and try so hard in your life but there is no end to the trying and everyday feels like a defeat. Like you are just so tired just want to close your eyes and have the day be over except time passes so so slowly.

My partner packed up and left 2 days ago, and I tried very very hard to make them happy and everyday I'm told I'm not doing it right and then in the end apparently nothing I did at all mattered. So utter demoralising defeat. Like everything about me is poison

Omg, I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. I was abandoned by my husband of 30 years so I can empathize.
I truly wish there was something I could say to make it even just a little better. <big hugs>

 

[todiefor]

Thank you, we are here for each other, utterly demoralised together

 

[alonely]

I just feel so demoralized right now. I don't know how to describe it. It's not sadness or depression. It's just the feeling of utter defeat. I've never experienced this feeling before. It's even different from apathy. It feels lower? I don't have the words to describe it.
Have you felt like this before?

a very familiar feeling for me too. major empathy.

My partner packed up and left 2 days ago, and I tried very very hard to make them happy and everyday I'm told I'm not doing it right and then in the end apparently nothing I did at all mattered. So utter demoralising defeat. Like everything about me is poison

went through a very similar thing recently too. i put everything into trying to make it work and be the best i could be for him, while he never cared or appreciated or acknowledged it. major empathy here too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so dreadful how existing here can very easily get much worse, there certainly is too much suffering in existing and it must be really tiring feeling trapped in that situation. But anyway best wishes.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Yes, I have felt this way for a few months now. I'm so far gone that I don't even want to get better anymore. I have had a mind death of sorts and I'm in a state of complete surrender because there is nothing left inside of me to fight with.
I'm on my knees now and broken and just waiting to die.
There is nothing left of me anymore except a shell of what I once was.

 

[SolomonKado]

Today is one of those days where no matter how hard I try to find something, anything good, a silver lining, something to give me hope, ANYTHING, and one thing after another just beats me down mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically.
I'm so disheartened. I feel so broken in every way.
I just can't hope anymore. I can't dream or imagine better. The world has won. I have no fight left in me.

I get it. I really do. I spent 8 years on submarines and 14 as a prison guard. In the military I caught hep c from donating blood and the treatment was pills and injections for a year. I was let go from the prison job because I started having panic attacks due to seeing guards getting other guards hurt too many times. They would demoralize the inmates so badly they would strike back, but it wasn't usually to the same person. It was usually to the ones who were doing their best and helping inmates and staff. When they weren't demoralizing inmates they were doing it as supervisors to their subordinates. No one would listen from higher up because they were all friends. I stayed because "it'll get better," but it doesn't get better. It gets worse over time. I'm so sorry for anyone going through any of this crap. I just want to give everyone a huge bear hug, sit around a fire, and just lose ourselves in the flames.