belly.up4good
Member
- Dec 10, 2024
- 8
I was broken up with recently and it's taken a huge toll on me. It's partially my fault because I became obsessed with them, and now this is the second time I've centered someone in my life so much that I can't be happy without them. I said I wasn't going to but I gave in and I think it contributed to our break up. But yea, I just hate myself, and even then if we had eachother, I'm not happy. They said it themself too. And I'm so sick of meeting people and reintroducing myself over and over and being honest just to be treated like shit for it or be left anyway. Hobbies don't mean shit to me. I can kinda see a future where I pursue one of them, music, but even then it's like. I have barely done anything to further my skills in it, and I'm trying to teach myself at home. It feels like ..really embarrassing trying to be anything else. I feel embarrassment already socially, so bad that I don't want to be percieved, and constantly narrate what I'm doing and saying and thinking (like I tell myself things I already know but say it anyway because I need to reassure nobody that what I'm doing is okay). I just feel embarrassment thinking about performing and making it in life. I feel embarrassment thinking about putting myself out there. Having conversations with strangers after the show. People I don't know make me extremely uncomfortable, I don't want to talk to them almost because of the implications that come with being myself and having to try and conversate like how I used to when I had good social skills and didn't care. It's hard not to care. It'd hard not to be self-concious about everything I do, my voice, how I look. It's because of stuff I've been through, it's hard to let go. And even then, I don't want anyone else. I only want my partner. And I feel so awful for questioning if I truly love them or just think I do because of the obsession and good feelings associated with them. They don't even make me that happy anymore because their behavior towards me has changed, in a bad way, and now we're in a situationship. But I still don't want to live without them. I also don't want to finish college. I'm terrified of having to make the money back to pay for it all. Terrified of trying to make a life for myself and give in to capitalism and get a shit job that takes up my time, renting because all these shitty companies bought the houses and raised the prices like crazy. I don't want to try. Maybe because I'm afraid of living like how the government forces me to. Maybe because I don't want to live without my partner. I'm really tired of just trying to get through everyday. I didn't even want to go to college for a long time but now I am because I thought I could have some fun and get to live how I always wanted to for a bit, surrounded by community, getting invited to parties, meeting cool people, getting to do cool things, and have some fucking independance. But it hasn't been working out like how I imagined. I always get my hopes up for things. But people just treat me like I'm an alien, like I did something wrong, when I'm literally just trying to have fun or be real. I'm like a parasite to everyone. And I don't matter to the people that love me. I can't even tell them how I feel without being put down. It's honestly annoying when people say like life has it's ups and downs. I don't care. I have had good ups. But they don't last that long. Everyone leaves. Everyone treats me like crap and I'm not human. There's money to pay back or else I get punished for it. I'm basically blind from growing up with technology, and I'll never have a job, never be able to pay to get 20/20 vision again. Born in a disgusting female body. And I've changed..alot. For the worse. I've developed so many bad habits, my personality doesn't exist anymore because I'm constantly adjusting to other people to make THEM comfortable. I don't find joy in anything and don't have the energy to do anything meaningful. i've been told I'm a good person. I'm really not. The weather is going crazy, so much I feel like the world's gonna end in a couple years because of the toxins industrialization has put into earth and our bodies. No man. I used to think the world was against me. I don't want to believe it again, I want to find the good in people. But it doesn't matter. I don't want to do things I don't want to. I want to do things on my own time, on my own terms. And I want my partner to actually love me. I want everyone to actually love me like they say they do. Nobody actually cares until it's too late. Nobody's coming to save me.
