EternalHunger
tired of everything
- Sep 3, 2025
- 115
I'm a bad person, like genuinely horrible.
Each time I think of how much I've hurt other people from the moment I was born I despair so hard that I just can't stop hating myself; even my own mother hates me to the point of venting her anger out on me throughout my entire childhood, I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I'm such a selfish person in every way imaginable with the physical inability of truly comprehending others beyond understanding what and how I should say certain things at what right timing; I treat human interaction like how a monster would, I realise how easily I just let people go after being able to emotionally connect with them for so long and yet I wouldn't even realise what I'm doing during the moment, how many I must've hurt. I been having so many instances where someone eventually developed feelings for me and I knew that, yet I would purposely push them away subtly until I am sure they have lost it just so I could feel better of myself on 'having my friend back'. I always tried to 'help' others out to fuel my own toxic need of always needing constant love and feel depended on, to feel seen, but I always just makes things worse by becoming an unhealthy emotional clutch and purposeful punching bag for them, leading to me watching them become worse and worse with me just worsening their lives through over-dependence; even my few past relationships ended up this way, with them all blaming me for ruining their lives and how desperately they need me to stay in their lives.
I understand why I was heavily bullied and disliked during my youth with no friends, I am just so fundamentally far off from people in some ways I believe I brought it upon myself and now that I have the means of easily connecting with others I just constantly end up hurting them by the end of it, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I been so focused on my physical appearance I completely neglected whatever is left of my inner self.
The day I die will genuinely leave any potential people I'll hurt better off.
Each time I think of how much I've hurt other people from the moment I was born I despair so hard that I just can't stop hating myself; even my own mother hates me to the point of venting her anger out on me throughout my entire childhood, I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I'm such a selfish person in every way imaginable with the physical inability of truly comprehending others beyond understanding what and how I should say certain things at what right timing; I treat human interaction like how a monster would, I realise how easily I just let people go after being able to emotionally connect with them for so long and yet I wouldn't even realise what I'm doing during the moment, how many I must've hurt. I been having so many instances where someone eventually developed feelings for me and I knew that, yet I would purposely push them away subtly until I am sure they have lost it just so I could feel better of myself on 'having my friend back'. I always tried to 'help' others out to fuel my own toxic need of always needing constant love and feel depended on, to feel seen, but I always just makes things worse by becoming an unhealthy emotional clutch and purposeful punching bag for them, leading to me watching them become worse and worse with me just worsening their lives through over-dependence; even my few past relationships ended up this way, with them all blaming me for ruining their lives and how desperately they need me to stay in their lives.
I understand why I was heavily bullied and disliked during my youth with no friends, I am just so fundamentally far off from people in some ways I believe I brought it upon myself and now that I have the means of easily connecting with others I just constantly end up hurting them by the end of it, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I been so focused on my physical appearance I completely neglected whatever is left of my inner self.
The day I die will genuinely leave any potential people I'll hurt better off.
