movies4guys
Member
- Jan 21, 2026
- 6
winter break is almost over and i'm about to be home in my dorm again, but i still feel so hopelessly trapped. i don't know what else there is to do but die. i had to get off of hormones while i was at my parents' house and i won't be able to get back on them for probably another year or two. i'm so fucking miserable. and the worst part is that i was getting better!!
i went back to therapy (with a trauma informed therapist this time), and i have friends, i was doing good in school, i didn't want to kill myself when i looked in the mirror. like i had been been suicidal since i was eleven. eight years of psych meds that don't do shit and psych workers who are just cops. and for an entire year i was off meds and doing actually good. but now i've been off of t for ONE MONTH and it doesn't feel like being alive is worth it anymore. like it doesn't even feel worth it to try and wait it out. nothing makes me happy. i just feel empty. i keep missing whole chunks of time. i don't recognize myself in the mirror. my parents will never understand. i'm the fuck up of the family 'cuz i'm suicidal and psychotic and trans and traumatized. a while back my younger sister told me that they're "happy they have another chance [with her]."
i don't wanna live like this. i wish i wasn't dependent on them. i wish i could cut them off without having to drop out. i wish life wasn't like this. at least i'll have my hands on alcohol again tomorrow, so i can get fucked up about it.
i went back to therapy (with a trauma informed therapist this time), and i have friends, i was doing good in school, i didn't want to kill myself when i looked in the mirror. like i had been been suicidal since i was eleven. eight years of psych meds that don't do shit and psych workers who are just cops. and for an entire year i was off meds and doing actually good. but now i've been off of t for ONE MONTH and it doesn't feel like being alive is worth it anymore. like it doesn't even feel worth it to try and wait it out. nothing makes me happy. i just feel empty. i keep missing whole chunks of time. i don't recognize myself in the mirror. my parents will never understand. i'm the fuck up of the family 'cuz i'm suicidal and psychotic and trans and traumatized. a while back my younger sister told me that they're "happy they have another chance [with her]."
i don't wanna live like this. i wish i wasn't dependent on them. i wish i could cut them off without having to drop out. i wish life wasn't like this. at least i'll have my hands on alcohol again tomorrow, so i can get fucked up about it.
