back yet again

[nymphojuno]

hello everyone. i was gone for a while (i was @juxtajuno but lost my account information) but now i'm back again.

life has changed a bit, i guess. i started a full-time job doing parts/inventory for an aviation repair company. i hate it. it's absolutely loathsome and miserable all the time. i am sexually harassed every other day, it seems.

i am still ugly. my hair has grown out a bit (i shaved my head in july of 2022, for context) and i got multiple facial piercings to ease the violent discomfort i feel in regards to my appearance but i'm still a solid 4/10 on a great day. what even are great days anymore? i've forgotten.

it's ironic that i'm posting here at all, much less on such a joyous occasion. today my boyfriend and i have reached our one year anniversary. i look forward to seeing him this weekend. i don't know how much time i have left with him but i am savoring it every chance i get.

i'm drinking strawberry wine as i type this. it sucks. i don't like wine.

i think if i don't get the mental help i need within a year (i have BPD, potentially bipolar disorder, as well as ADHD, autism, and depression) i will end my life. i'm 20 and life still doesn't seem worth living. why would i torture myself working a 9-5 monday through friday for the foreseeable future (50+ years?) i would rather not exist at all. i detest being alive. i don't want to hurt the ones i love, but i am deciding to put myself first. if i don't get a job as a web developer by the end of the year and make significant strides towards improving my life, i will kill myself. my method is hanging. i tried hanging myself while i was drunk a month ago and was overwhelmed by how welcoming the feeling of passing out and away was. i barely stopped myself from going through with it, as i didn't have a note or explanation ready. i feel i owe my loved ones at least that much.

thank you for reading. i appreciate you all.

 

[Vesiira]

hello everyone. i was gone for a while (i was @juxtajuno but lost my account information) but now i'm back again.

life has changed a bit, i guess. i started a full-time job doing parts/inventory for an aviation repair company. i hate it. it's absolutely loathsome and miserable all the time. i am sexually harassed every other day, it seems.

i am still ugly. my hair has grown out a bit (i shaved my head in july of 2022, for context) and i got multiple facial piercings to ease the violent discomfort i feel in regards to my appearance but i'm still a solid 4/10 on a great day. what even are great days anymore? i've forgotten.

it's ironic that i'm posting here at all, much less on such a joyous occasion. today my boyfriend and i have reached our one year anniversary. i look forward to seeing him this weekend. i don't know how much time i have left with him but i am savoring it every chance i get.

i'm drinking strawberry wine as i type this. it sucks. i don't like wine.

i think if i don't get the mental help i need within a year (i have BPD, potentially bipolar disorder, as well as ADHD, autism, and depression) i will end my life. i'm 20 and life still doesn't seem worth living. why would i torture myself working a 9-5 monday through friday for the foreseeable future (50+ years?) i would rather not exist at all. i detest being alive. i don't want to hurt the ones i love, but i am deciding to put myself first. if i don't get a job as a web developer by the end of the year and make significant strides towards improving my life, i will kill myself. my method is hanging. i tried hanging myself while i was drunk a month ago and was overwhelmed by how welcoming the feeling of passing out and away was. i barely stopped myself from going through with it, as i didn't have a note or explanation ready. i feel i owe my loved ones at least that much.

thank you for reading. i appreciate you all.

i'm sorry the job isn't going well. makes me proud to see that you tried and got a job and are attempting to live, even if it's hard. great days always feel like they never come. they're usually mildly good at best. i understand how it feels to live with multiple disorders and it is so debilitating. having to work our entire lives just to live comfortably in old age sounds like hell. it always has. why do we have to wait so long to feel free from labor? i truly hope your life improves. i don't want you to feel that killing yourself is the only option, but sometimes it is all we can hold onto. you're appreciated and valued here. <3