Houkki6404
しう。
- Oct 10, 2023
- 44
Hi!!
After my last thread where i tried my preferred ctb method I kinda just vanished from here
December and January were fine months, nothing much but seemed like my crisis was gone.
Then February came, 2 weeks before my birthday, in fact. I somehow got a baaaaad gastroenteritis, so I stayed in the hospital for a week.
While I stayed there it just felt the worst, was vomiting and had diarrhea and a constant feeling of anxiety and doom was unleashed upon me.
I'm really afraid of needles and every day I would get poked with these.
When I was there, that feeling, you know the feeling, it came back.
It was different tho, I really wanted to die but also I didn't?
It was like SI was always there, it never left.
Even tho I wasn't trying to die, SI was fucking there.
Eventually I got better and got to go home
For the rest of February I felt fine, I guess. SI was gone, and the wish to ctb too.
Then March came, hoo boy here we go.
Idk what was the trigger but the wish to ctb and the wish to sh came back blaaaaasting.
First It was passive suicidal ideation but now I'm legit wanting to plan ctb again.
sh again, just scratching tho, like always.
Back to autopilot, the endless cycle of getting control and losing ir again, since I was 11.
Anyways, I guess that's it, probably ima be more active in the forum.
Also started a yt channel where I post my songs(piano using fl studio) and started playing genhsin.
yea, probably gonna draw my feelings again soon :p
After my last thread where i tried my preferred ctb method I kinda just vanished from here
December and January were fine months, nothing much but seemed like my crisis was gone.
Then February came, 2 weeks before my birthday, in fact. I somehow got a baaaaad gastroenteritis, so I stayed in the hospital for a week.
While I stayed there it just felt the worst, was vomiting and had diarrhea and a constant feeling of anxiety and doom was unleashed upon me.
I'm really afraid of needles and every day I would get poked with these.
When I was there, that feeling, you know the feeling, it came back.
It was different tho, I really wanted to die but also I didn't?
It was like SI was always there, it never left.
Even tho I wasn't trying to die, SI was fucking there.
Eventually I got better and got to go home
For the rest of February I felt fine, I guess. SI was gone, and the wish to ctb too.
Then March came, hoo boy here we go.
Idk what was the trigger but the wish to ctb and the wish to sh came back blaaaaasting.
First It was passive suicidal ideation but now I'm legit wanting to plan ctb again.
sh again, just scratching tho, like always.
Back to autopilot, the endless cycle of getting control and losing ir again, since I was 11.
Anyways, I guess that's it, probably ima be more active in the forum.
Also started a yt channel where I post my songs(piano using fl studio) and started playing genhsin.
yea, probably gonna draw my feelings again soon :p
