vitheway
Member
- Apr 18, 2023
- 11
Hi. Been a while. Around 2 years actually. I'm Z, an almost 20 year old (didn't ever think i'd make it this far) trans woman, and after a few months of peace, I'm back to laying on the floor and feeling like an emotionless husk.
Back when I first made this account, I was just looking for a way out, didn't really feel like talking to anyone about those feelings, just wanted a tutorial. Decided on SN and then didn't have any antiemetics (made a post asking if antipsychotics of my then clueless friend would suffice), also was too scared to order SN itself.
Ended up taking pretty much all pills of any kind I had on my desk, felt myself getting weaker after a few minutes, and then I only remember waking up on the floor in my own vomit.
Fast forward into summer 2024, I was on HRT, had a bunch of things that never happened planned out with friends, had a job, and also made a horrible mistake of dating one of my then best friends.
What followed were about 8 months filled with abuse, tears and dread. My self esteem was (and is) very low, and I assumed that this is simply what love is, that nobody else would want me anyway. I only realized what happened after it was over, around march of this year.
We had the same friend group and most of them apparently disliked me even before any of this happened, but after I was made out to be a mentally ill abuser, they cut me off and I was completely lost, had no idea what to do, where to go, who to talk to, was heavily considering ctb again.
I hated being alone with my thoughts but nobody wanted to stick around and I ended up finding a whole new group of friends. My idea of what friendship is was completely changed by these people, and I'd finally started getting better, or so I thought.
I still was very broken by everything that's happened, the horrible household I grew up in, the ex, and the fact that I'd be homeless by the end of summer.
I started planning to ctb on my birthday (in july), like I wanted to originally, and completely broke down sometime in may. After that, I decided to postpone it to the day before I'd be homeless instead and spend the remaining months doing my best to make other people happy.
But many things happened in those few months and I managed to meet the most incredible girl I've ever met in my life, we hit it off, started dating in june, and I've never in my life felt happier than with her. We spent pretty much every day together since then. She knows about everything and I promised I'd never hurt myself again, which is a promise I intend to keep.
But when september started, we both moved far from each other, I moved in with a friend (thank god for her, I'd have nowhere to go otherwise), she moved because of university. And even then, everything has been tolerable.
But yesterday I was almost ran over, if I was a second slower, I'd be dead. And those all too familiar feelings started slowly coming back and I'm scared. I've been losing it the entire day today, I don't know what to do, I can't go back to surviving with the hopes that "maybe it gets better" again. But at the same time, I couldn't do this to her, I dont want her to one day wake up and find out that her girlfriend suddenly disappeared.
All my problems have pretty much gone away, I have everything I could ever ask for, so why can't I just be happy?
Back when I first made this account, I was just looking for a way out, didn't really feel like talking to anyone about those feelings, just wanted a tutorial. Decided on SN and then didn't have any antiemetics (made a post asking if antipsychotics of my then clueless friend would suffice), also was too scared to order SN itself.
Ended up taking pretty much all pills of any kind I had on my desk, felt myself getting weaker after a few minutes, and then I only remember waking up on the floor in my own vomit.
Fast forward into summer 2024, I was on HRT, had a bunch of things that never happened planned out with friends, had a job, and also made a horrible mistake of dating one of my then best friends.
What followed were about 8 months filled with abuse, tears and dread. My self esteem was (and is) very low, and I assumed that this is simply what love is, that nobody else would want me anyway. I only realized what happened after it was over, around march of this year.
We had the same friend group and most of them apparently disliked me even before any of this happened, but after I was made out to be a mentally ill abuser, they cut me off and I was completely lost, had no idea what to do, where to go, who to talk to, was heavily considering ctb again.
I hated being alone with my thoughts but nobody wanted to stick around and I ended up finding a whole new group of friends. My idea of what friendship is was completely changed by these people, and I'd finally started getting better, or so I thought.
I still was very broken by everything that's happened, the horrible household I grew up in, the ex, and the fact that I'd be homeless by the end of summer.
I started planning to ctb on my birthday (in july), like I wanted to originally, and completely broke down sometime in may. After that, I decided to postpone it to the day before I'd be homeless instead and spend the remaining months doing my best to make other people happy.
But many things happened in those few months and I managed to meet the most incredible girl I've ever met in my life, we hit it off, started dating in june, and I've never in my life felt happier than with her. We spent pretty much every day together since then. She knows about everything and I promised I'd never hurt myself again, which is a promise I intend to keep.
But when september started, we both moved far from each other, I moved in with a friend (thank god for her, I'd have nowhere to go otherwise), she moved because of university. And even then, everything has been tolerable.
But yesterday I was almost ran over, if I was a second slower, I'd be dead. And those all too familiar feelings started slowly coming back and I'm scared. I've been losing it the entire day today, I don't know what to do, I can't go back to surviving with the hopes that "maybe it gets better" again. But at the same time, I couldn't do this to her, I dont want her to one day wake up and find out that her girlfriend suddenly disappeared.
All my problems have pretty much gone away, I have everything I could ever ask for, so why can't I just be happy?
