So I had another love delusion. I am not sure how psychotic that was. I talked with that extremely attractive woman and I was uncertain whether she liked me. There was a friend around during the conversation. And he also felt like she liked me. Either she never liked me or she lost the interest pretty fast. I hope the first is the case. Because I once again acted way to needy. But the former option is more likely. And I cannot change who I am. So well at least I tried it. Why did she tell me about being raped? I don't fucking know. I am confused. (Moreover I think I am way too much of a careerist who only lives for college - women hate that trait)
It kind of broke my heart. However the whole thing had an extremely bad impact on my mental health. I woke up the last two days at 4 a.m. despite addictive medication. I hope that will improve now again. So there are also benefits of how it turned out.
Furthermore I lost my appetite. Almost completely. I think it shows my mental deterioration. College triggers me so fucking hard. Barely anyone would not continue doing this. I don't know what to do. I might become underweight. Food disgusts me pretty much since some weeks as reaction to the stress. My mom worries about it. It is ironic she always worried more about my hunger than my mental anguish.
I asked the other mental wreck in my selfhelp-group to become my friend. And I think this was a bad idea. The person feels superior because they have a lot of sex with strangers. And he shows that. When other friends of mine showed that behavior I ghosted them. And I am pretty sure I would ghost that person pretty fast. I don't know how to behave now. For the other person it is such a big step to start a friendship and showing vulnerability, Well is fucking strangers really better in this instance? It feels so weird. Having friends is so common for me. But fucking random people? Isn't this way more intimate. Probably not if you did it like a thousand times.
My life sucks. But at least posting my daily threads is back. I was so manic that it was pretty difficult for me. Feels good to be back. Though having a gf would be even better (without the mental breakdown which almost errupted.)
It kind of broke my heart. However the whole thing had an extremely bad impact on my mental health. I woke up the last two days at 4 a.m. despite addictive medication. I hope that will improve now again. So there are also benefits of how it turned out.
Furthermore I lost my appetite. Almost completely. I think it shows my mental deterioration. College triggers me so fucking hard. Barely anyone would not continue doing this. I don't know what to do. I might become underweight. Food disgusts me pretty much since some weeks as reaction to the stress. My mom worries about it. It is ironic she always worried more about my hunger than my mental anguish.
I asked the other mental wreck in my selfhelp-group to become my friend. And I think this was a bad idea. The person feels superior because they have a lot of sex with strangers. And he shows that. When other friends of mine showed that behavior I ghosted them. And I am pretty sure I would ghost that person pretty fast. I don't know how to behave now. For the other person it is such a big step to start a friendship and showing vulnerability, Well is fucking strangers really better in this instance? It feels so weird. Having friends is so common for me. But fucking random people? Isn't this way more intimate. Probably not if you did it like a thousand times.
My life sucks. But at least posting my daily threads is back. I was so manic that it was pretty difficult for me. Feels good to be back. Though having a gf would be even better (without the mental breakdown which almost errupted.)
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