collidedsigns
Scholar of despair and anguish
- Nov 22, 2025
- 45
I'm back. I haven't been on here for 3 months. In that time I got discharged from psych, started therapy and moved in with my best friend. I thought I'd changed my circumstances enough that my depression would become more manageable. How silly and naive of me. Depression in my experience has never been manageable. Despite taking the max dose of my antidepressant medication I still feel as pathetic, worthless and empty constantly. Even on the easier days I find myself asking what really is the point? To add insult to injury my physical health has been getting worse and worse too. My chronic illness has been causing more pain meaning walking is becoming harder. Overall my health is just getting worse and it's just contributing to the hole in my chest nothing can fill. I honestly feel that now more than ever being able to CTB is my only way out of this hell. I can't enjoy anything, going outside every day is already a struggle. The main problem I have is I've already been admitted to a ward 4 times to due to attempts so if I'm going to try again I need to get it right. I'm riddled with so much guilt because I don't disclose to anyone how much I truly am struggling, but at the same time if I manage to CTB I don't want them to think they could have done anything differently and most of all I don't want people trying to admit me to hospital. My last admission was the longest 3 months of my life and I cannot face it again. I suppose the main reason for this post is I have nobody else to tell. Everyday is getting harder to bare and I'm scared I'm going to explode. I just want everything to be over so I don't have to keep pretending to smile. I'm so exhausted from trying to fight. Telling myself it's temporary and will pass despite the fact since I was a child I have struggled daily with my mental health. I'm done with optimism, hope and everything in between. I just want my eternal sleep now.
