Back Again

[terra.nuvo]

I can't believe it's come to this again. I'm back on this forum after about almost two years. I finally found a job that I kinda like, I'm more stable financially than I've ever been, and I've been getting out and doing things that I like. But I still can't seem to find a sense of connectedness again. Before all the shit went down that caused me to be in this spiral, I had friends, I was bubbly and spontaneous, and I loved having fun with friends. But now, I'm a shell of who I used to be and I've grown to never want to be around people again. Anytime someone does something that upsets me I just shut down and I can feel my guard getting stronger and my desire to be around people shrink smaller and smaller. And even though I don't really like being around people anymore, I still feel lonely. And i do still want someone who I can be myself around. But I haven't had anyone like that in years. I feel like I'll never have someone like that again. I miss who I used to be so much. I miss having friends.

 

[timf]

In one's youth there can be an indiscriminate openness to all sorts of people. As one becomes more perceptive, it is not unusual to avoid certain people. In trying to find people with uncommon characteristics, it often requires exploration of uncommon areas. For example, if one wanted to find someone with an artistic inclination, searching in a business class might not yield great results.

 

[Redacted24]

I miss being myself too.

I remember telling people I work with a few years back that I didn't like the person I was becoming.

And since then I've gotten more bitter and selfish.

Maybe it's because I'm terrified of messing up, of hurting someone accidentally, or them getting angry or upset with me.

It seems like everyone I know only sees the worst version of myself, as if there's no good to be had.