Back again.

[Cheshirecatx]

I've recently spent 9 months of my life locked away in a mental health unit after a ctb attempt went wrong and I was found, I ended up legally detained. I'm broken as I was coping better with life and had found more of a purpose or meaning, I wasn't actively able to act on how I felt anymore and more recently, that's all I'm wanting now.

I tried to hang originally. As desperation went on I tried everything, including ligature strangulation and suffocation, it didn't work and I gave up so I was finally allowed to leave hospital. I now have my rope, I now live completely alone and I am ready to give up. My life fell apart and I have been crippled by Bipolar, it has taken over my entire life and I'm no longer able to study or work with extreme difficulty. I've begun using drugs to cope and am falling into the route of addiction, but I feel if that happens to me, I may as well take the lethal route.

Friends and family are trying to hospitalize me again, but I'm not thinking unclearly or unwisely. This has been a decision of mine for years, that has taken courage to build up. Mental illness does not mean I'm unable to make informed decisions. I've been described as "impulsive" and my attempts as chronic by services, so they refuse to handle me.

I'm just writing this as I've been on here for a fairly long time now, and I felt like I need people to discuss it all with. Especially on the day that it happens (which is fairly soon). It's lonely to be in this dark place, it's lonely to feel this darkness over everything you do. I tried to work against it. Spent nearly the whole past year in therapy. I'm exhausted. I wouldn't be able to get assisted death, which also sucks, but I refused ECT as a treatment knowing the damage it could cause. Anyone else in the same boat?

 

[Walilamdzii]

Hello. 9 months is a long time, I'm sorry that you went through that. I can relate to your experiences with bipolar. I'm not able to work or study at the moment either, and I've become disillusioned with the entire system anyway.

Do you mean desperation while you were in hospital?

I met someone who had ECT and she seemed to think it had worked. God knows how long for though.

 

[cheese.out]

Hey man, so from what you wrote in this post it seems you went through a damn tough time so i really respect your strengh. I can not imagine being locked up for so long. My ctb attempt last year was also prevented and from that point on i had to go to therapy but they only locked me up for a few days. Things got a bit better but I still think about the peace ctb would give me. I hope you find your peace with or without the use of ctb. But try to have a clear mind in case you really want to make this big decision, let it be your last option

 

[shantyizlit]

I'm just writing this as I've been on here for a fairly long time now, and I felt like I need people to discuss it all with. Especially on the day that it happens (which is fairly soon). It's lonely to be in this dark place, it's lonely to feel this darkness over everything you do.

It's especially lonely when you can't tell anyone around you or there will be severe consequences. If I told my family they would certainly have me institutionalized.
At least it can be discussed here on SaSu.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you've had to endure, failing suicide is exactly what I fear and I see it as being so inhumane how assisted suicide isn't legalised, as humans we deserve the option to leave in peace and I find it so horrible how suicide attempts go wrong and people have to suffer more as a result, it's such a cruel world. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans and I hope you eventually find what you search for.