Venting Back again rant

[terra.nuvo]

I know it hasn't really been that long since I was last on here but I still feel surprised that I'm back again. I thought things were getting better. I started therapy and taking medicine for my depression but I still feel hopeless. The hopelessness I feel makes me not want to do anything because in the end whats the point of it all. I keep telling myself that I'm not ready to get better but when will I be ready? I've been in this pit for years now and it seems like there's no way to get out. I'm so tired of life and the constant struggle to wanna keep going on. I hate that I can't maintain friendships and that I've burned almost every bridge I've ever formed with people. I feel like such a loser. I can't keep a job to save my life. I can't bring myself to finish school because I've lost all my intelligence to depression. And the sad part is that I know the steps I need to take to get better but I just struggle to do them. It's like I have hope for the future but the hopelessness trumps it every time. I just miss the old me but he died a long time ago. He died when I got my heart shattered irreparably into pieces. He died when the ADHD and depression took me over. And I miss him. I wish I could be him again. People loved him. Now I'm the most alone I've ever felt. I wish the pain would just end. I wish I didn't constantly miss Nico (a fake name for the guy who broke my heart). I feel so stupid for letting heartbreak ruin my life.